Trouble Saying No?

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Associate Coach

Have you ever wished that you had told your mother-in-law “I appreciate your theory on housekeeping, but I plan to continue doing it my way,” instead of feeling like a failure because she obviously did not approve? Or, have you wondered why you find it so difficult to ask your boss for a raise when you know that you deserve one? These are called boundary issues, and ADDers are notorious for having trouble setting boundaries.

Boundaries are limits of behavior, conduct and acceptance, anything that defines important issues in our lives. How you conduct yourself, how you let others treat you, how you feel about yourself.

Why are boundaries so important in our lives? We need them in order to keep our priorities in order and to keep others from having undue and unsettling influence on our self-esteem and our lives in general.

People with ADD have trouble setting boundaries for a variety of reasons: Our inability to sometimes inhibit compulsive behavior, recall information, learn from our mistakes, be consistent and delay gratification. We may also have come from an ADD family where no boundaries were set and we never learned their importance and significance in life.

Examples of unidentified boundaries that impact our lives are:

• Over promising/under delivering (we think we should be able to do it all and then find we can’t)
• Feeling guilty (about not doing enough, saying no)
• Being inconsistent (not living up to your responsibilities)
• Difficulty asking for what we need (because you feel you do not deserve it)
• Letting others statements, criticisms, influence how we feel about ourselves
• Going against personal values to please others

I can certainly relate to these issues in many areas of my life.  If you have any comments about or experiences with boundary issues that you would like to share, please do. I find this a fascinating subject and would love to hear other comments.