Experiencing ADDvantages

Don't Take My Baby! (Why Many ADDers Don't Watch Lifetime Movies)

There is one very specific type of movie that I just can't watch because I get too upset. I call it a "Don't Take My Baby" movie.

I'm sure you're familiar with this type of movie. The most common plot line is: Couple finds out they can't have baby and adopts. Couple loves baby very much and experience great joy until baby's birth parents challenge adoption and try to get baby back.

Other variations include:

• Gay partner dies and court won't allow non-biological parent to keep the baby.
• Parents find out baby was switched at birth and isn't theirs.
• Mother has been looking for missing baby for years, and refuses to believe baby is dead. Mother finds baby, but baby has a new life and doesn't remember mother.
• Father loves baby dearly, mother goes to jail, father learns baby isn't really his and loses custody.

The plot possibilities for "Don't Take My Baby" movies are endless. These movies are often, but not always, played on the Lifetime network. (Otherwise known in pop culture as "Lifetime Movies.") However, these plots can also be easily adopted on network dramas, although they usually aren't as emotional.

The problem with "Don't Take My Baby" movies is that I can't handle them emotionally. I don't even have a baby yet, but somehow the concept of having one's baby taken away has driven me to hysterics ever since I can remember.

I fully realize that there is an element here that sounds absolutely crazy and you may be wondering why I chose to make this a topic for the newsletter. Well, believe it or not, this does relate to adult ADD and here's how: adults with ADD tend to be extremely emotionally sensitive. We often lose it emotionally over sad movies, sappy commercials, or distressing news stories.

Sure, "Don't Take My Baby" movies are always meant to be tear jerkers. But most people can have themselves a good cry and get over it. Adults with ADD are often slower to bounce back.

Because we have a high level of empathy and compassion, we can take on the pain of others (real or scripted) to such a high degree that it sends us down a path of extreme emotional disturbance and spiraling negative thoughts. This, in turn, leads to more stress and the potential to become overwhelmed.

And, as I always say, the more stressed out and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is to manage your ADD.

In order to avoid this scenario, we have to protect ourselves with some solid boundaries. For example, I no longer let myself watch "Don't Take My Baby" movies. I also won't watch documentaries about genocide, sick children, or people with terminal illnesses. I simply can't handle it and I know that watching these things is guaranteed to send me down a bad path.

You may find that in order to keep from falling into the trap of extreme emotions, you need to:

• Avoid watching the news.
• Make certain types of movies or shows off-limits.
• Steer clear of certain topics of conversation.

And when all else fails and you find yourself empathizing just a little too much, try to:

Remember that everyone has their challenges in life. You don't need to take on someone else's in addition to your own.

Talk out how you feel. Journal about it if you have no one that you can talk to in the moment.

Explore what it is about someone else's situation that hits you hard enough to be upsetting. Does it trigger a sadness in you that you haven't yet dealt with?

Draw a line between "pity" and "empathy." Having compassion and being able to imagine yourself in another's shoes is very different--and much more helpful and productive--than feeling sorry for them or taking on their pain.

Most importantly, remember that you can't effectively care for others until you care for yourself. And this sometimes means avoiding "emotional traps" on television or in the movies.

So the next time you're flipping the channels and happen upon a "Don't Take My Baby" movie, think of me bawling my eyes out over a poorly-written and badly-acted movie. Then change the channel.

By the way, look for a big announcement about coaching programs coming next week!

It's been a long time since I've run a group coaching program and I'm excited to be planning one out right now. It will be based on my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. If you haven't got your copy yet, get it here!

Join Me For a Free Teleclass with ADD Resources

ADD Resources, the Seattle-based non-profit group, has invited me to present a teleclasses this Thursday. All are welcome to attend, so I hope you'll join us!

The Maverick Approach to ADD Management: How to be Happy and Successful by Breaking the Rules
Based on my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD
Date: Thursday November 29
Time: 8pm EST, 5pm PST
Call-in Number: 1-605-725-3600, Access code of 053078#
More details available on the ADD Resources web site.

If you enjoyed Odd One Out, or haven't read it but are curious about it, then I hope you'll join us!

Please - No More Turkey! (Rated R)

I came to a new conclusion over the weekend: Thanksgiving is one big ADD moment waiting to happen.

I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. It gets (most of) us 2 weekdays off work, a 4-day weekend, and tons and tons and tons of delicious food. What's not to love?

For the past 5 or 6 years, we've spent T-day with Erin's mom in New Jersey. We always go to the same restaurant. It's a nice place and the food is good, but I always complain that there is no turkey to enjoy afterwards. So this year I had a turkey waiting for us and cooked us a mini T-day yesterday. It was my first time cooking T-day dinner, and even though it wasn't a real T-day, it was crazy nonetheless.

It all started with the turkey. I ordered it from our Amish farmer friend who we get most of our meats from. Raised right - on pasture with no intervention - and killed humanely. They are really fresh and tasty - no comparison to industrially raised animals. Sometimes, however, it's a little too fresh. Unlike Butterball, Amish farmers don't place gizzards into a nice little plastic bag that you can easily pull out and discard.

So when I got the turkey out yesterday, all I could do was stare at it. There was a hole under the breast with a flap of skin. "What the fuck is that?" I wondered. No clue. I poked at it and tried to pull on it with some tongs. No luck.

Then I noticed the organs poking out of the other, smaller hole in the turkey. Great. I started tugging on those with tongs and they weren't budging, either. "Oh no!" I cringed. "I think they're still attached!"

Traumatized, I called my mother. She wasn't home.

I sat on the couch in a confused daze for about an hour until she called me back. "Mom, you have to help me. The turkey cavity is full of skin and I feel like a gynecologist trying to remove the organs from the turkey's hoo-ha."

When she finally stopped laughing, she walked me through the delicate operation. I pulled and pulled on that ugly flap of skin until it started to come out. It was the neck. Ew.

Once that was out I realized that the organs were not attached, and were much easier to remove from the large cavity. But they were disgusting. And I couldn't tell the liver from the heart(?) from whatever else was in there. I was regretting this mini T-day before I even started cooking.

In the end, the meal turned out okay, but I'm not sure that it was worth all the trouble. I now have tons of turkey left and I'm already sick of it. In typical ADD-fashion, the energy and enthusiasm burn out before the end is near. Thanksgiving turkey is no exception.

Plus, I can't stop picturing the neck and organs operation that I had to perform. Dinner this week is turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, and turkey Shepard's pie...and I am already so sick of turkey!

Oh, and that gross-ass pile of fresh turkey organs? Well, they served as a nice treat for the dogs last night. Rascal, being a greedy little bastard, likes to take his favorite foods out of his dish and eat them in private--in the living room. Guess what he ran into the living room with? Apparently, the little bastard loves organ meat.

Today, I'm thankful to be back at work. I love cooking, but I've had my fill for a while.

10 Things to be Thankful for on Turkey Day

There  is a common misconception in the world that having ADD is a bad thing. But while the ADD-wired brain certainly presents some  challenges, it also offers some incredible advantages. 

So if Thanksgiving prep has you feeling overwhelmed, the travel has you feeling frazzled, or your crazy family makes you want to scream, then here's a reminder of some things you can be genuinely happy about...                      

10 Benefits of Having Attention Deficit Disorder

1. Compassion
People with ADD have a tremendous power to connect with other people. But it goes a step further than that. We also have an advanced ability to empathize with others, and to see many different perspectives. 

2. Creativity
I've  never met an ADDer who wasn't creative! Writers, painters, musicians, craftors, film makers, designers, sculptors, the list goes on. Artistic and creative talents are abundant.                     

3. Drive
When an ADDer is bored with a task, completing it can seem like torture. But give an ADDer an interesting project to work on and watch out! When we want to succeed, and we have the necessary tools to do so, there is no stopping us.

4. Problem-Solving Ability
ADDers thrive on solving problems and puzzles. Give us an interesting problem to solve and we won't be able to drop it until we've found the solution!

5. Hyper-Focus
The ability to hyper-focus is something that we can use to our advantage. When kept under control and directed towards positive goals, it can be an incredible asset that allows us to get the job done, and done well!

6. Sense of Humor/Comedic Flair
Most ADDers love to laugh, and many also have a knack for making others laugh. Sharp wit and keen insight makes many ADDers the life of the party.

7. Resiliency
There's no denying that even though there are many great qualities that come along with ADD, there are also challenges. But ADDers have an incredible ability to bounce back from those challenges and move forward. 

8. Intuition
ADDers have a sharp sense of intuition. This may be due to highly tuned levels of perception, great insight into the human mind, or something else that we have yet to understand. Whatever the reason, it's a very useful gift!

9. Idea Generating
ADDers are wonderful idea generators. We don't usually like to be bothered with details, but we can come up with ideas at lightning speed. We're a true asset in brainstorming meeting!

10. That "Special Something"
Many ADDers feel that they have a unique way of looking at the world--a perspective that others just don't understand. That is, until we meet other ADDers! You might say that we're on our own wavelength...and what a fun place it can be!

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Top 5 Ways to Have a Happy Thanksgiving

1. Know Your Own ADD and Plan Ahead to Deal with It

You know yourself better than anyone, so ask yourself "How does my ADD affect me on the holidays?" Make a list of all the things that tend to stress you out on the holidays, and make a plan to deal with them.                       

For example:                     

• Do  you tend to say impulsive things that you later regret? Plan to take a  deep breath before answering ANY questions so that you can think about your words  before you speak them.
• Do  hyper kids or too many people overwhelm you? Plan to excuse yourself and take a brief walk when  things start feeling chaotic.
• Does  a family member really make you mad when s/he starts nagging or becomes  critical? Plan a simple response that won't fuel the fire, like "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'd rather talk about a great book I'm reading right now."
• Do  you get antsy after a long day? Plan to end the day early, so that you  don't reach the point of irritability.   

2. Don't Expect Perfection

Accept that the day won't be perfect. Nothing is! Whether you're hosting the holiday, going to a friend or family member's, or visiting a restaurant, realize that something is bound to go wrong. That's life. Don't hold it against yourself, or the people around you. Whatever it is, do your best to move on and let it go.

3. Ask For Help/Accept Help

If you're hosting the holiday, ask for help in the kitchen. This is perfectly acceptable, and most people are happy to help out where they can. If you're offered help, accept it with gratitude! You don't have to do it all on your own.

If you're a guest, offer to take over a task that you're good at or don't mind doing. That doesn't necessarily mean offering to cook or serve, it can mean keeping the kids occupied! (Or, in my family, keeping the dogs out of the kitchen!)

4. Remember That People Do The Best They Can

Long days with family members often end in frustration and hurt feelings. Try to remember that people do the best they can with the skills and tools they have. Hurtful comments probably aren't meant to be hurtful. If someone says something to you that you find hurtful or offensive, ask yourself "What is this person's intention?" The answer will most likely be "to be helpful."

Don't hold it against friends and family  members who may not have the necessary skills to express themselves  effectively

5. Smile!

Set  the tone for those around you by being positive, smiling often, and enjoying  yourself!

                     

Thanksgiving is only 3 days away. Take some time now to prepare yourself so that you don't get overwhelmed later!

P.S. Today is the last day to save on our overstock products from the CHADD conference! Check out the savings here.

 

ADD is the New Rehab: The Britney ADD Scandal Continues

You may have heard (if you even care) that Britney Spears failed a court-ordered drug test. TMZ is now reporting that Britney will "play the ADD card" in court tomorrow and say that she failed the drug test because of Adderall, a prescribed stimulant medication used to treat ADD.

Hmmm...

This is becoming a disturbing trend in Hollywood. All sorts of celebrities, from Britney to Paris, are getting into trouble and blaming it on Attention Deficit Disorder.

And while adults with ADD can be impulsive and sometimes even thrill-seeking, I just don't buy the "ADD made me do it" excuse that so many of them are relying on. If these stars really do have ADD, and really do see doctors and take medication as prescribed, then they should be significantly more in control of themselves and their behavior.

(Besides, I'm inclined to think that Britney is actually bipolar. Now I am not a doctor, I can't make diagnoses, and I have never met Britney Spears. I'm just sayin'... if forced to guess, that's what my money would be on.)

It seems that "I have ADD" is the new "I'm going to rehab." Celebrities believe that it magically absolves them of any wrong doing. Those of us ADDers who live in the real world know it doesn't work that way.

What do you think? Might Britney actually have ADD, or is she just "playing the ADD card?"
                      

ADD and Eating Disorders

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

Did you know that binge eating is considered an eating disorder and is more prevalent than anorexia or bulimia? I attended a workshop with Patricia Quinn, MD last week at the CHADD Conference and learned a great deal about binge eating and its prevalence among ADD woman and girls.

Binge eating is defined as recurrent episodes of consuming large amounts of food without the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors seen in bulimia. It is characterized by consumption of excessive quantities of food in a discrete period of time and is typically impulsive, secretive and creates feelings of loss of control and shame.

Easting disorders and ADD share some important characteristics. Among these are impulsivity (lack of impulse control), low self-esteem and depression. Women and girls with ADD overeat because they feel out of control, stressed, bored, or have a lack of awareness of how much or why they are eating.

I don’t know about you, but this definitely fits me. Most of my binging is on carbohydrates and I do it when I am tired, depressed or stressed. I also regret the binge afterwards, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it again.

Dr. Quinn suggests that the best way to deal with binge eating for ADDers is to treat the ADD symptoms first. Most stimulants will decrease the impulsivity and suppress appetite. They can also decrease distractibility and improve attention span, thereby reducing the binge eating episodes.  She also suggests that we use distraction (doing something interesting and not near the kitchen, during the times of day when we are most vulnerable to binging.)

I certainly found it helpful to understand that my binge eating is connected to my ADD and that there is a practical solution available. I will keep you posted.

                        

Danny Bonaduce Offers Free Life Coaching

Courtesy of PerezHilton, Danny Bonaduce is offering free life coaching.

Take it from a coaching pro: you get what you pay for!

                

Vent and Move On

Do me a favor - if you're easily offended, just skip this post. I'm about to break one of the cardinal rules that I discuss in my book and slip into BMW mode. (BMW = Bitch, Moan, Whine.)

If you can handle it, then feel free to keep reading.

Is it just me, or are people assholes this week? Is it economy worries, approaching holidays, colder weather, a full moon? I'd love to know.

I've been inundated with BMWs. Sometimes it comes with the territory. There are a few adults with ADD out there who will bitch, moan, and complain that YOU did something wrong, when in fact it was THEY who didn't read an email or an agreement, get a date right, or show up on time. They get pissed off and blame you, then feel embarrassed or ashamed when they realize what really happened. I've done it, too, so I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Too bad so many people are not willing to offer the same courtesy before making assumptions and getting pissed off.

Okay, I know all this is vague. So you want a good example of what I'm talking about? Here you go: One person flooded my email Inbox by sending past newsletters back to me over and over and over again, instead of simply unsubscribing himself from the voluntary newsletter. I suppose that was intended to teach me a lesson about sending unsolicited email. However, I don't send unsolicited email! This person subscribed himself 7 months ago, and could have easily removed himself, too.

And that's just one example. There are more I won't go into.

The thing about adults with ADD is that we tend to be "spongy." We pick up other people's energy. So after dealing with no less than four assholes this week, I've become grumpy and pissy, too.

Don't worry, though, I know how to get over it. I'm doing it right now. I'm venting and moving on.

Sometimes you have to allow yourself a little BMW time to let off some steam, and then let it go. So I'm done venting and starting fresh as of right now! (Ah, I feel better already!)

How about you? Have you put up with any assholes this week? Have you been an asshole, yourself? If you wanna vent, feel free to do so in the comments. The deal is that, once you vent, you have to promise to move on! I look forward to reading your responses...

Post-conference Product Discounts

We have a few products left over from the conference, so we're offering you the conference discount rates while supplies last.

We have around 20 each of the Kiss Your Clutter Goodbye and Taming the Family Circus toolkits. Until our stock runs out, you can take advantage of some great discount packages! Click here for discount details.

These discounts are only available to newsletter and blog readers, and only while supplies last, so don't delay!