Please - No More Turkey! (Rated R)

I came to a new conclusion over the weekend: Thanksgiving is one big ADD moment waiting to happen.

I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. It gets (most of) us 2 weekdays off work, a 4-day weekend, and tons and tons and tons of delicious food. What's not to love?

For the past 5 or 6 years, we've spent T-day with Erin's mom in New Jersey. We always go to the same restaurant. It's a nice place and the food is good, but I always complain that there is no turkey to enjoy afterwards. So this year I had a turkey waiting for us and cooked us a mini T-day yesterday. It was my first time cooking T-day dinner, and even though it wasn't a real T-day, it was crazy nonetheless.

It all started with the turkey. I ordered it from our Amish farmer friend who we get most of our meats from. Raised right - on pasture with no intervention - and killed humanely. They are really fresh and tasty - no comparison to industrially raised animals. Sometimes, however, it's a little too fresh. Unlike Butterball, Amish farmers don't place gizzards into a nice little plastic bag that you can easily pull out and discard.

So when I got the turkey out yesterday, all I could do was stare at it. There was a hole under the breast with a flap of skin. "What the fuck is that?" I wondered. No clue. I poked at it and tried to pull on it with some tongs. No luck.

Then I noticed the organs poking out of the other, smaller hole in the turkey. Great. I started tugging on those with tongs and they weren't budging, either. "Oh no!" I cringed. "I think they're still attached!"

Traumatized, I called my mother. She wasn't home.

I sat on the couch in a confused daze for about an hour until she called me back. "Mom, you have to help me. The turkey cavity is full of skin and I feel like a gynecologist trying to remove the organs from the turkey's hoo-ha."

When she finally stopped laughing, she walked me through the delicate operation. I pulled and pulled on that ugly flap of skin until it started to come out. It was the neck. Ew.

Once that was out I realized that the organs were not attached, and were much easier to remove from the large cavity. But they were disgusting. And I couldn't tell the liver from the heart(?) from whatever else was in there. I was regretting this mini T-day before I even started cooking.

In the end, the meal turned out okay, but I'm not sure that it was worth all the trouble. I now have tons of turkey left and I'm already sick of it. In typical ADD-fashion, the energy and enthusiasm burn out before the end is near. Thanksgiving turkey is no exception.

Plus, I can't stop picturing the neck and organs operation that I had to perform. Dinner this week is turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, and turkey Shepard's pie...and I am already so sick of turkey!

Oh, and that gross-ass pile of fresh turkey organs? Well, they served as a nice treat for the dogs last night. Rascal, being a greedy little bastard, likes to take his favorite foods out of his dish and eat them in private--in the living room. Guess what he ran into the living room with? Apparently, the little bastard loves organ meat.

Today, I'm thankful to be back at work. I love cooking, but I've had my fill for a while.

Comments

[Attentive]

LOL. Every time I read your of your antics Jen, I picture my wife doing those very same things. :)

[Doug E]

"Apparently, the little bastard loves organ meat."

LOL. You win. You had the funniest line in any blog I read this year.

Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas; there's so much to do and you end up missing the real meaning of the holiday.

That's right... I am a scrooge.