Tough Love for Adults with ADD

Last week Erin was away visiting family. That left me alone, to fend for myself and the dogs, for 5 days. Although I often travel on business without Erin, this is the longest that Erin has been away in our 6 years together.

At first I felt sorry for myself. Being alone for 5 days meant 5 days of doing all the dog walking, all the dog feeding, all the cooking, all the cleaning up, all the garbage-taking-out, all the housework (oh who am I kidding with that one?), all the laundry, all the errands, and all the shopping. I was responsible for everything. There was so "scaffolding" to provide my structure.

But by the second day, something strange happened. I told myself, You were single for YEARS before you settled down. You did it all and more then...so why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? After that dose of reality, I found myself doing really well on my own.

I was waking up on time every day because there was no one else to take the dogs out in the morning. And then I found myself going to bed at a decent hour because I knew the dogs would wake me up to be fed...so if I stayed up late I wouldn't get a lot of sleep.

I also found myself procrastinating less, because there was no one else to clean up the kitchen, so I might as well do it! Now, don't get my wrong, I've never been one to do a bang up cleaning job, but the dishes got done.

I was getting up, doing what I needed to, easing into the day, working reasonable hours, tending to the house, practicing my singing, running errands and making social trips, and then going to bed. My life was structured.

By day 4, I really missed Erin. I was anxious for her to come home to me. But once she did, my structure fell apart again.

You see, I will fully admit that I can be one hell of a manipulator. I'm good at guilt trips, too. These are skills that have been passed down to me from generations and generations of Irish mothers. Seriously, I could win gold medals for my guilt trips--provided I wasn't competing against my mother. And Erin, being innocent and sweet, is so damn susceptible to my manipulation and guilt trips that she often ends up doing more than her fair share around here.

So when Erin returned home, she once again began taking on lots of the responsibility...and I began manipulating her again. See, I know exactly what to say, exactly what to do, or exactly what face to put on to make her want to walk the dogs for me, or go shopping for me, or whatever. And she never even complains.

But when Erin was away I realized that I don't actually benefit from skirting my responsibilities. I use my ADD as an excuse to be lazy, but I actually function much better when left on my own.

So Erin and I had a talk last night, and I gave her permission to ignore me. I told her to ignore me when:

• I don't want to get up in the morning. If I sleep too late on a Saturday and lose my free time, that's my problem, not hers.
• I say I don't feel good or I'm too tired to walk the dogs. Tough. If she wasn't here, I'd have to walk them whether I was tired or sick with the flu!
• I don't feel like cooking. Sucks for me, but it's my responsibility. I don't have to make a gourmet dinner, but it's still my job to put together a healthy meal.
• I ask her to get things for me. If she's going downstairs to grab a drink and I ask her to bring me up one, too, that's fine. But if I ask her to go downstairs and get me a drink simply because I don't feel like getting up, then she should just tell me to fuck off.
• I don't do what I say I want to. Erin's response to this is best described as "nagging." And nothing makes me want to sit around and zone out more than being nagged. If I don't do what I say I want to, it's my problem.

And you know what, I feel ten times better.

People with ADD often struggle with creating structure, and parents and partners sometimes want rush in (with the best of intentions) to create it for us. But maybe what we really need as adults is tough love.

Thoughts?

Comments

[Doug E]

I agree. People in general have become too "self-entitled"; they think they should get their way - whoops - they have a right to do anything they please within (their) reason. People with adult ADD can sometimes freak when their systems change, are challenged or fall apart. The worst thing for some adult ADD'ers is a compassionate (mothering) mate.

Good for Erin that she knows you so well! It's okay that she gets you a drink once in awhile if you do the same for her. Everyone's entitled to a little service now and then.

I've been struggling with this one for the last few weeks. My partner has been out of the country on a long business trip, and he's the one in the relationship who remembers eating and grocery shopping and those useful sorts of things.

I'm not manipulative, and he probably wouldn't be that susceptible anyway; it's more that when someone else is around the house, I find myself noticing the pile of dirty dishes, or the boxes that need to be recycled, or the clutter on the table. When I'm by myself I'm oblivious. I guess it's a form of positive social pressure.

[Margaret]

I'm exactly the same way. In that same situation I would have probably let everything go and then the day before a partner was due home or a friend was coming over then I go into panic mode and get overwhelmed because by this point things are in a state that nobody could deal with in 24 hours and I would be feeling ashamed of letting things get so bad. But it does often take seeing it through someone elses eyes that makes me realize I have to do something.

I do have a friend who helps me and probably 'mothers' me more than she should. She often worries what I would do without her and I have to remind her that I survived the majority of my life before meeting her. I may not have always done very well but I have survived. That being said, if I have to be honest I probably do depend on her more than I should because I know she is there and I can, whereas if she was not there I would have to get off my butt and clean the catbox or open my bills or remember to pay my car insurance, etc. And when she is around that is when my life feels structured, because I have her to interact with so I can't go off and bury myself in a book for 12 hours. And I have to say there is nothing more wonderful than having a friend like her, who knows me inside and out, knows the ugliest parts of me, and is still my best friend, and vice versa. And while she does for me what I an unable to do for myself, I help her with things she is unable to do for herself, for instance she is unable to work so I am able to pay her to help me and I am able to let her drive my second car and pay the insurance on it, because the things she does for me are what make it possible for me to keep my job and be able to work the hours I do. I don't, however, want to take advantage or have her enabling me in any way. I guess sometimes its hard to know where that line is, at least for me.

[1713mrmh]

I think you are right on target. My wife and I are dealing with these issues right now. We've been married for 22 years. She's over-functioned for me (I'm the ADD spouse) for years, and we've recently started to deal with the accumulated resentment this pattern has created for both of us. Her "helpfulness" makes it easy for me to avoid taking responsibility for the impact my lack of functioning has on our relationship. We've learned how negatively this pattern has impacted our marriage and we are beginning to take steps to change that dance.

[Pann]

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

[Jen Koretsky]

Thank you all for your personal and candid reflections on this post!

Please see my recent post at http://www.experiencingaddvantages.com/2008/02/adult-add-is-an.html
to continue this great discussion.

[mediagirl]

Hi I just found this site totally by accident while I was research ing for my final exam documentary film (I haven't gotten much done). But how great is it that I found it. I wasn't going to stay because it wasn't what I was looking for but I forgot what I was looking for now anyway. But I was reading Jens posts about manipulating and I totally do that to my husband and its likme our thing and I see that its wrong and de3bilitating to me but I do it anyway but like the glass of water thing I totally do that and I have been doing it for so long that I don't even have to ask any more. Also don't do housework if he didn't do any because I tell myself that fair is fair and the work should be equal. but now he is taking a job 210 miles away and moving there now and I can't go until the kids are out of school in June so I am going to have to do everything by myself and I can barely function anymore without him there to do stuff for me. I am freaking out and now I have to start thinking about a job after grad on top of everything else. Its funny because I am getting ready to grad next month and I have all the outfits and the resume but when I saw that there were a lot of professional people on here and I almost clicked off because I am still in the "shes an idiot" and "she will never amount to anything" mode. Its not even a little fair either because I have worked my ass off for what seems like forever and for some one with kids and a job and school all at once I did pretty good. I always felt like a looser because I know in my heart that I am only giving a half asses attempt at anything I do and if I really tried I could do way better but the damn clock keeps speeding up or something because everytime I get doing something and I actually stick to it the next thing I know its like 5 hours later and all the other stuff I wanted to do is never going to get done because now I am going to sit down fow two minuets to watch TV and then its 11:00 PM and nothing is done and I am not tired but if I don't go to sleep I am not going to get up in the morning. Anybody know what I am talking about? Anyway I am glad that I found this site because I am freaking out about grad. I have to go out and get a job now and keep it and do well. I always thought before I went back to school that when I had a degree I would feel better about myself and I would feel like I diserved a good job but I still feel like a big fat loser and a fraud and I am afraid they are going to see through me. I could use some advice from someone PLEASE I feel like I am drowning here. The thing is that I know that I rock until I start comparing myself to other people. And saying don't do that is like saying don't look at the train wreck. Anyway I am not editing this for content here like I usually do whenever I post anything anywhere because 1) I think you all will get what I am saying anyway and 2) its late and I think I am starting to get tired and I might be able to fall asleep.

[Lori]

No one forces anyone to purchase products, services, counseling, etc. Advertising pays for the ability to get free information and newsletters. It is a small price to pay for the great information available to all of us. As with any "disorder" or personality trait we can find LOTS of information available online and we have to sort out what fits for us and what doesn't. Unsubscribe if you are upset. Otherwise quit whining and get on with enjoying life. It is especially fun for us ADDers.

[Jen Koretsky]

Lori - I moved tis comment over to the "authenticity post, as well, cause I think that's where you wanted this. :)

I'm so glad you made these points! Advertising does pay for free info, and marketing is a part of our lives--online and offline. Without marketing and advertising, we might miss out on tons of great stuff! And yes, sometimes we have to wade through some junk marketing, but there are some gems.

Also, I couldn't agree more about unsubscribing. If you don't like it, change the channel, close the book, unsubscribe, etc. Then, as you say, quit whining and get on with enjoying life! :)

Thanks for your feedback!