Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!

Comments

[Drob]

In Pann's defense (I'm her husband) she was responding to something you said. From your previous post:

"...But when Erin was away I realized that I don't actually benefit from skirting my responsibilities. I use my ADD as an excuse to be lazy, but I actually function much better when left on my own..."

That said, what really struck me about your previous post was how you've been explicit with Erin about when you don't really need her help.

I think there are times when I really do need Pann's help; as my spouse and the person closest to me, it's great for her to be able to recognize the signals that I need support.

At the same time, I think there are times (as you suggested in your own post) when I use those same signals to manipulate. I don't do this consciously, but it happens nonetheless.

I think it's really great that you've been able to draw lines around this and give Erin guidelines about when she can ignore you! Since reading your post I've been considering how I could draw similar lines in my own relationship. Mine wouldn't be the same as yours-- for example sometimes I *REALLY DO* need help getting up in the morning-- but the lines should be there nonetheless.

[Pann]

It is kind of flattering that my comment spurred an additional post!

I agree with you - in both posts - on many of your points, so I am not arguing here.

D and I have a daughter who also shows some ADD tendencies. I sometimes feel like I am drowning with trying to provide the right stimuli for the family to get everything running smoothly.

It really does help to plan for structures that will make every day routines go smoothly. Before these structures were ever in place, I'd just pull out my hair in frustration, not knowing what to do to try to persuade, nag, poke, prod, irritate, or otherwise force my husband to get up, get dressed, etc. All that normal stuff that one doesn't expect to have to do for another adult.

I can honestly say this kind of "help" is not helpful to the ADDer or to the marriage. So you are spot on in saying that the spouse of the ADDer needs to not just jump in and do for the ADDer. It is hard, though, when you love your ADDer to see them still bed, for example, and NOT try to "help".

Sorry for the rambling comment... it's late...

[Jennifer Koretsky]

Gotcha, Drob! And again, I don't want to gang up on Pann!! I think her comment was an excellent one and it prompted me to clarify my thoughts, and get a discussion going.

Perhaps the real question here is...do we sometimes try to fool our partners, or fool ourselves? :)

Clearly, Pann's comment came with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, there are a lot of spouses/partners out there who do angrily label their partners as "lazy." I know because they call and email our office all the time!

I have sympathy for many of these spouses...I really do. But without the necessary info, these spouses just don't understand that they hurt the problem, instead of helping it.

Thank you to Drob and Pann for participating in this discussion! :) And I truly hope I didn't offend either of you!

[Jennifer Koretsky]

Pann - I want to thank you for being so willing to express your opinion. I appreciate your perspective and I think it's actually *really* helpful for many of us to hear it.

Your comment started with "I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy." I had to first clarify my statements because I don't want anyone to think that's the case! (Which is my communication error, not yours.) What I meant, more or less, was that when I notice myself using excuses internally, it's a cue to make a change externally. If I ever used my ADD as an excuse in life, I'd be an awful ADD coach!

Unfortunately, a lot of adults with ADD don't make it to the point at which I am. And again, unfortunately, a lot of not-so-enlightened spouses need to know that their labels don't help. Your comment gave me the opportunity to both talk about that, and to clarify my previous post...so thank you!

:)