Adults with ADD: Follow the Rules to Break Them

So this past weekend Erin and I played house when we took my 6 & 5 year old cousins, Michael and Alex, for a night. These kids are insanely cute, but they're a handful. Erin quickly deciphered Michael's MO: if no one's looking, the rules don't apply.

At 6 years old, Michael has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He's got many ADHD traits, from hyperactivity to severe boredom after 60 seconds of inactivity. And keeping up with him is a challenge.

It also forced me to think about the concept of "the rules" in a new way.

In my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, I talk about how to be happy and successful by breaking the rules. And as I observed Michael jumping on the bed the very minute I turned my back, I started to wonder if I was a hypocrite. I encourage being a maverick and breaking the rules, and yet I lectured this kid on "the rules" more times than I care to remember.

After some long, hard thought and meditation, I came to this conclusion: sometimes, you have to follow the rules in order to break them.

I coach clients on this all the time, actually. Many situations in our lives are a means to an end. Sometimes we have to play the game in order to get through to the other side and change the game. Take, for example:

• The client who struggles to follow a specific format for her dissertation. The dissertation is one of the things she needs to get her Ph.D. And once she has that Ph.D., she can call the shots about what she studies and how she presents it.
  
• The client who has to painstakingly document every sketch, conversation, and thought he's ever had about his invention in order to protect it. He's breaking the rules and creating a number of cool inventions, and yet there are very specific--and unbelievably detailed--legal guidelines he has to follow in order to get there.
• The client who has been told that she's next in line for her boss's job, yet continually gets disciplined for being late. She single-handedly landed the two biggest clients her company has ever seen, but being 10 minutes late in the morning often gets more attention. She has to stay in her boss's good graces to ensure that she makes it long enough to get that promotion and be the one in charge.

And, of course, there's 6 year old Michael, who has to follow the rules until he's old enough to break them. He has to stay safe, go to school, and learn what he's good at. Then, when he's old enough, he'll be in a better position to embrace that inner maverick. And I know that he'll relish breaking those rules and living out loud.

In what ways have you found yourself following the rules in order to break them? Please share your story in the comments!

Comments

[Doug E]

Glad to see you're still in one piece!

I understand your question, but I tend to look at this from another angle.

I split up the rules between "rules w/known consequences" and "rules w/unknown consequences". It's all very subjective, depending on who's involved, experience and such. I test the rules that have unknown consequences to me; I make decisions based on the rules that know what the consequences are. So, if the rule is "show up to work on time" and I decide to delay, I do this with the understanding I may be fired.

Unfortunately, working with my ADD has made me both pragmatic and sometimes fatalistic. To me, I don't break rules; I discard the ones people don't seem to care about in the moment. If I can achieve the results that is required, I'm golden.

[Turtle]

I can only say from the bottom of my heart, you are a true inspiration! And you make me smile while you're doing it :). I'm just glad i'm not the only one with these struggles or these observations and that i'm glad you can put them in words better than I dare to dream I ever can! So THANKS :) xxx

[Gay Anne Ewing]

What? I always thought rules were made to be broken:)is that not true??? LOL, in AA (alcoholics anonymous) I have 21 years this April, I would not follow "suggestions" like get a sponsor, I incorporated my own speech to say "if I sponsor my ego will inflate and I will lose humility, thank you for wanting me to, I am flattered, but come to the meetings to remain humble!" And I mean that, in my counseling group each week, all women, I quit to say I do not need this "happy horseshit" for 2 months, today I am going back, YUP, I need those 8 women to be in my life, Bye, Jen be happy :)

[Jen Koretsky]

Doug - your point is well taken about finding out which rules are disposable. Sounds like you found a winning strategy!

[Jen Koretsky]

Turtle - thanks for that wonderful feedback. It put a big smile on my face!

And by the way, you seem pretty damn articulate to me! Perhaps you'd surprise yourself if you put more of your thoughts into words. :)

[Jen Koretsky]

Gay Anne - congratulations on 21 years sober!! What an accomplishment! Good for you, for breaking the rules based on what worked for you. :)