Adults With ADD: Fake It Til You Make It

Last week's newsletter, Stop Punishing Yourself, really hit a nerve with people! There were tons of great comments and conversations on my blog in response.

To sum up the topic, as adults with ADD we often think that we're so high-maintenance to those around us--what with our disorganization, trouble managing time, and lack of focus, among other things--that we need to be constantly making up for all the things we are, and are not.

I took this notion to task, and encouraged everyone to stop punishing yourself. If you don't allow yourself time to manage your stress, slow down, and make self-care a priority, then you'll never break out of the overwhelm-burnout cycle.

This week, I'd like to continue the discussion by talking about your attitude. You see, you might be contributing to the problem in more ways than you realize.

It comes down to this: if you act like you're an incompetent mess who always needs to be making up for challenges and weaknesses, then this is exactly the way people will treat you.

Think about it. People take their cues about you from none other than you, yourself.

Have you ever watched a reality show like American Idol? Even if you don't like it, chances are you've seen it.

What happens when someone has a less-than-stellar performance and then apologizes for it? You probably think to yourself one of the following things:

1. Wow, I have no idea what she's talking about. I thought she did a great job!
2. He needs to stop apologizing because he's making it worse! Simon is gonna eat him alive.
3. Man, this girl is so annoying! All she does is talk about how bad she is every week. I hope she gets voted off already!

On the flip side, what happens when a really good singer makes a mistake? They move on and keep going. They acknowledge the mistake when it's pointed out by the judges, but they don't dwell on it.

Which type of contestant do you (and the rest of the world) root for? Most likely the latter. And, of course, these are the singers who tend to be the most successful in the competition.

Art certainly does imitate life in this regard:

If you present yourself as a confident, intelligent, and friendly person, then this is what others will see and accept.

If you present yourself as a pathetic screw-up who can never do anything right, then this is what others will see and accept.

You control the way people treat you by the way you treat yourself. Accept who you are--flaws and all. Respect yourself. Take charge and present yourself as the person you are, and the person you want to be.

And if all else fails, then fake it til you make it!

Stop punishing yourself. Start living.

What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Comments

[Carrie Anne]

This is a very good point you make about American Idol. I had a review at work 6 mos ago and my supervisor said I apologized too much! I didn't know I was doing it. He said I would hand in my progress reports and say sorry they are not so detailed but I ran out of time. He also said that my reports were more detailed than most people's and that because I apologized he always looked for mistakes because he expected them. I was so surprised! It was such a habit that I really did not even know that I always said I was sorry. I am more careful now but I say it accidentally sometimes.

I like what you said about presenting yourself. When I watch American Idol next season I am going to really pay attention to this!

[Steffanie]

I called my mom after being accepted to a very elite art college. I was given the interview and opportunity as a favor to someone. I was mortified someone would find out what a fraud I was.

My mom said, "Who cares how you got there, Steff? What matters is what you do now that you are there. Hell, most people are too worried about what everybody else is thinking about THEM to worry about you. So just show up and act like you know what you are doing and no one will know the difference." (imagine this said by a tiny woman with a Texas accent! - it is much funnier)

My mom was completely right. I have been a faker for a long time. I fake less often than I did as a twenty year old. I know more about me and have more tools to manage life and ADD.

I still just act like I know what I am doing, sometimes I blow it in a HUGE way...but I have learned to sincerely apologize, dust myself off and move on.

[LEANNE]

wow...thank you soooooooooooo much for this wonderful bit of advice...fake it till you make it....i use to be so good at that, until i stopped the crazy life i was leading, crashed and then realized i had add. now that i know i have it, and an adult, geesh i sure make fun of myself and my faults...seems like others don't see it/them..until i clearly bring it to their attention....thanks, so much

[sohaila]

thanks a lot for your advice,it really sounds very nice,as people really look upon those who apologise a lot and say honestly that they do not know a certain issue as idiots so really I will work upon it also I am trying to apply (start living) but the problem that my son also has ADD so if i live for myself i can never stop thinking and worrying about him

[Eva Wallace]

This is GREAT advice, Jennifer! I have seen this play out in my life and in a friend’s. She is constantly apologizing for herself and consequently, no one takes her seriously. She gets walked all over all the time. People see the apologetic attitude as a weakness and need for approval and they take advantage her. I remember hearing (an actress, I think) a long time ago say that everyone feels a certain sense of inadequacy and that you have to ACT like the person you want to be. You feel like a phony at first, but gradually you get used to "playing the part". Before you know it, it's become so natural that you discover you ARE that person!

And for Leanne – Keep in mind that you are your son’s role model. You need to live the sort of attitudes that you want to see in his life. You can care for yourself AND him at the same time!

[Mags]

Thank you, this really resonates with me. I am 51 years old and got my diagnosis of ADHD last year. I have always done as you say but felt rather a fraud!

I have been a teacher in the UK for 30 years, four of those as Deputy Headteacher. I have just finished to train as an ADD coach.

Looking back, I have always been good at teaching the ADD children, and this gave me a very good reputation on behaviour management generally - what works for ADD kids works for all kids! I have been AST (Advanced Skills Teacher) for behaviour management for 8 years.

I am shadowing my own ADD coach at the moment and loving it - she does teacher training too so I am not completely out of the world of teaching.

ADD is not recognised well in the UK - of all the ADD kids I taught, none had a diagnosis. There is a huge shortage of coaches too. Adult ADD is almost unknown, so I see myself as an ambassador!

I am glad I read your blog because I realise that I am not the person you describe when at work. But when it comes to home making I am!! Constantly apologizing and putting myself down...

This will stop TODAY!

Thank you so much :)

[Lynel G]

Thanks I have only been reading for sevral weeks - but your advice is spot on! Could you spend some time on employment laws and if/when you should tell and employer in a small and or large business settings. This past 6 months I have gained much sucess in faking it - I decided if I want to swim with the Big Sharks - I had to think, act and be a SHARK! Thanks for being there for all of us!