Adults with ADD: Stop Punishing Yourself

We're back from the ADDA Conference in Minneapolis and, as usual, it was fantastic!

My presentation on 'Overcoming the Chronic Overwhelm Associated with Adult AD/HD' was a hit.                      

I encouraged everyone in the audience to get a handle on overwhelm by managing stress, slowing down, and making self-care a priority.

In the Q&A at the end of my talk, a woman raised her hand and patiently waited to be called on. By all accounts, she was kind, articulate, and put together very well. So I was a bit surprised when she said something along the lines of:    

How can I possibly spend time managing stress or taking care of myself when I cause so much stress for everyone around me?

Everything you're saying makes sense, but I feel like I bring chaos everywhere I go.    

As I asked her a few more questions, many in the audience were shaking their heads in agreement. I even saw a few people tear up. The general consensus was:         

I  make so many mistakes and I'm so difficult to deal with that I don't deserve to spend any time taking care of myself.

I was really glad that this woman had the courage to ask that question because it allowed me to address a mind set that I see over and over again in adults with ADD.

We think that we're so high-maintenance to those around us--what with our disorganization, trouble managing time, and lack of focus, among other things--that we need to be constantly making up for all the things we are, and are not.

If this is how you feel then, please take a deep breath and read me loud and clear on this: YOU ARE WRONG.

You are wrong, wrong, wrong! You could not be more wrong! And you're punishing yourself for who you are.                

I know that sounds harsh, but this is one instance in which I have no problem telling someone that they are flat out wrong!         

Having adult ADD might make you  high-maintenance at times (I certainly am), but:

• Having adult ADD does not make you a bad person.
                         
• Having adult ADD does not make you a difficult person.
                         
• Having adult ADD is not a reason to punish yourself.

Rather, having adult ADD does mean that you have certain strengths and certain challenges. And guess what? So does  everyone else.

You might have a hard time staying organized at work, AND be a superstar when it comes to customer service.

Meanwhile, your coworker might be extremely organized, but not so great when it comes to dealing with people.

Different people with different strengths make the world go round. And your strengths play an integral part...even if you have adult ADD!

I asked the audience a question as we were talking about this. I don't remember it exactly, but it was something like:

Would you ever tell your coworker, 'Oh, you didn't get a chance to clean up your desk today?  Yeah...then you better skip that dinner date and stay late  until you get it done!"

Of course, everyone laughed. We would never dream of imposing the same punishments on others that we so easily impose on ourselves.                          

And when it comes to overcoming overwhelm, one thing is absolutely clear: if you don't allow yourself time to manage your stress, slow down, and make self-care a priority, then you'll never break out of the overwhelm-burnout cycle.

You'll be forever stressed out, trying to catch up, and feeling like you owe something to everyone.          

Stop punishing yourself. Start living.

I'll be continuing this discussion in next week's newsletter. In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please share them in the comments!

Comments

[Janna]

I agree with you on this. Unfortunately, what I think and what happened at work are 2 totally different things. I have been through 8 jobs in the last 10 years. It is getting difficult to find a job in nursing where I live when I have to put my work experience for the last 10 years on paper. They start asking questions about why I have been through so many jobs and why I have been termed from most of them. It all boils down to the ADD but they don't care about that. I don't want to get a job because I have ADD and the ADA says they can't discriminate against that. I want to get one because I am the right person for the job and they see that. I am WAY past overwhelm/burnout and into full on depression which just fuels the fire unfortunately.

[divagayanne]

Hey Jennifer and the crew, I was one of the first to buy Odd One Out and LOVED it, finally I connect with other people who know what I am dealing with daily:) LOVE to go to a conference, if you guys ever come near to CT, I would sign up in a hearbeat!!Is my home in perfect order while I type this???!! HELL no, I have used all my time making myself feel good. Go to gym, nails done, new hair and make-up, and I love it and so does my 10 year younger fiance' Be good, stay happy, we own the world, just don't like these tiny details to work out!

[Andy]

Jen,
I sure do appreciate the book and all the advice! BOY, did that lady ever hit it on the head for me. I feel like I bring so much chaos everywhere I go and I end up just trying *not* to talk. I'm recently divorced (not ADD related, b e l i e v e me.) and it's so hard for me to believe that I have anything to offer a 'normal' person. I feel like I don't deserve or could never have someone league'. I struggle so much with this. It's probably the biggest thing for me to overcome. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help feeling like this. I try to look at it like you said, but nothing seems to work for me.

I feel like I'm all alone in a crowded room.

[KS]

Jen, thank you. I've been beating myself up too much lately. Unfortunately, at home my strengths are nowhere near as obvious my challenges...gotta go try to leverage my strengths.

[Robert John Donahue, Esq.]

Jennifer, 4 things (first 3 are firsts). 1. You are the first other person I've found who holds the film "Lost and Delirious" in as high regard as I do! 2. This is my first blog comment on any blog. 3. Though I've gotten your newsletter for awhile, I've never paused long on it, though I knew instinctually not to unsubscribe, and then today--BAM: you not only hit a high-voltage nerve in your conference (wish I still lived in Twin Cities), but this guilty chaos of hopelessness that sucks our roots dry was dissolved and dislodged a bit by your words, and in that way you nurtured us, and I think you're on to something big here--I don't know what your upcoming plans are but this is a direction in which you could clearly help a lot of people. 5. I'm finally going to buy your book! Thanks for blogging and sending things out day after day to nonresponsive sufferers like myself who are too overwhelmed to pay attention until, when the student is ready, the teacher, well, you know. Also, to Janna, the nurse who also commented on this today, I just wanted you to know you're not alone; I've only just recently gotten back into legal work after a similarly lengthy and highly spotty work/unemployment history including such impressive credentials as used-book store employment and substitute teacher. I'm glad I didn't give up when I felt like it.

[Douglas H]

I can relate to the comment regarding how we treat ourselves is much worse than we would ever treat another person. My buddy tells me that he would hate to live in my punishing mind!! It's almost like a sick twisted form of gratification, I do it so much I must get some benefit from it. I played a terrible golf game the other day and my punishing mind went into full throttle. Hard to get out of that thinking too, at least for me.

[Monica]

OMG! I burst into tears reading about the woman who spoke up at the conference. I have struggled with my self-confidence and worth most of my life. I never had an answer for my mother when she would ask "what is wrong with you?" I also heard "Earth to Monica and if you have half a brain you would be dangerous.". Needless to say, I was a frustrating kid to raise.
I managed to find a man with the same issues and he has now sued me for Divorce. He says I was not there for him and he went else where for his needs. I'm grateful that our abusive and dyfunctional relationship will be over but now he is using my challenges with ADD- Inattentive type as leverage to depict me as a bad mother and neglectful wife. I was expected to do everything involved in our marriage and raising our 2 boys. My husband could only handle working and some yard work. His affair was with someone at work (Big surprise) They are using same law firm for their Divorces.
I sent you an e-mail with more detail. One of my many talents is to be very detail oriented and my e-mails are extensive. My husband called them "diatribes".
I hope to find the support and advocacy I need to speak out about ADD and how much of a challenge it is without any support.
I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your site. It was a link on the Boston Gal site and I found that from an anonymous e-mail I was sent. I still don't recognize the person but her name was listed as Janet Bodner.
Sorry for the length, i blog infrequently.

[Kevin G]

Jen:

I also had an immediate visceral reaction to the story you told about the woman at the conference feeling as though she brings chaos everywhere she goes. I too have felt this way but usually my sense is that I am unable to keep all the balls in the air like everyone else around me.

Recently in a discussion with my therapist, I was encouraged to examine why I so frequently felt like a failure. What I have come to realize is that failure is a subjective appraisal, and many times the standard I use to evaluate myself is completely unrealistic. Most importantly, what I have come to realize is that I have judged myself based on a standard which has nothing to do with my reality or my unique talents and gifts.

Although it may be dangerous to recommend reading Kierkegaard's "Sickness Unto Death" to my friends with ADD & ADHD, if you can stick with it long enough amazing truths will emerge. Kierkegaard does not get straight to the point, and as a matter of fact spends a great deal of time skirting the point, but trudging though until the light turns on is well worth it.

In a nut shell here is my interpretation of "Sickness Unto Death." Despair is the result of a person trying to be what they are not. It is in finding our true self, living that truth, and celebrating the special gifts were have each been given that we find enduring happiness. What we see as faults when evaluating ourselves against others or others standards may in fact be gifts or talents when viewed from another perspective.

It is difficult for us ADDers to maintain self esteem in a neurotypical world that has little tolerance for differences, but being different also allows us to see and think in novel and different ways. We are a powerfully creative force in this world. We (ADDers) do make a difference even though it may not be what others expect or in a manner that makes them comfortable.

Do not despair; celebrate!

Kevin

[Darcy Jane Atwater]

Wow! Thanx, everyone.
I am 53 and still trying to graduate from college! Talk about struggling and feeling overwhelmed! Yes, we all share that, I guess. Now it looks like grad school is where the real educational process will begin. Overwhelming? Hmmm, Yes, Indeed!

There is just One thing that best seems to help ease the daily frustrations of MY ADD, is for me to remeber to honour my deep need to reconnect with the earth.

Recently, this has been highly reccommended for ADHD children - And it works just as well for us Big Kids, too! Just Go outside!

I live in So. Florida, and between the bugs and the extreme heat, I know I've got to find whatever time of day is most agreeable to go for a walk, go swimming, or just to sit outdoors in a less-travelled area and "VEG-OUT!"

BTW: I am very glad to jump into your discussion to be reminded that I am Not Alone! But I know no one who's like me, and always feel outcast. But here, you tell me this really does come with the territory of ADHD? And is usually self-imposed, eh? That helps put some perspective on things. I am always shocked when ever someone remarks that I seem so well put-together! Hah! If they only knew! (these remarks are few and far between, and Always from a Great Distance...)
But ya know? We all do see things in our Own Uniquely Special Way, and all in all - I am awfully glad to be me....
....usually....

It is nice to have this forum, as this is my first post.
I am Glad to have found my kindred spirits!

Pat yourself on the back, it's a long journey, and New! At every turn...

Hi,

This sounds like classic codependence. I can say this, because I worked on it for many years. I was listening to Pia Mellody tapes when she was hardly known at all. I probably would have gotten through that a lot quicker if I knew what I know now, like, I have ADD.

Codependence is defined in many ways and misinterperated just as much. The top definitions have included:
..."an addiction to being needed",
"They need to be needed",
learned self-defeating behaviors,
suffering associated with attending to others,
self esteem issues,
etc.

With Adult-ADD, many fall prey to adopting codependent behavior as a result of negative self talk and attracting negative commentaries from others. Heck! forget looking out for rejection, first priority here is to crave acceptance. Combine this with not so great childhood memories, why would this be such a reach?

I actually believe it should be listed as a symptom in the DSM. So what. I also think I should date Morgan Fairchild (old SNL routine).

I have spoken to several therapists in the field of Adult-ADD and they indicated a high correlation of codependence in our field.

The battle is much more difficult with Adult-ADD than with Chilren with ADD. If the child is diagnosed, which is much more probable today than it was 30 to 40 years ago, the child will be educated immediately as to what is going on and coping mechanisms and perhaps medication will be introduced. But, they will be aware of what is taking place, and emotional risks will be much more under control than if unattended to.

In Adult-ADD, once diagnosed, and maybe even medication is introduced (good luck, the majority of doctors associate ADD with youth and Adults with risk when it comes to stimulants), even at this point, the Adult will be thrilled to have the answer they always longed for. But, time and internal emotional stress has created "baggage" and many dysfunctional habits. If properly medicated, the baggage needs to be dealt with and the habits need to be replaced with functional ones ("drill for skill").

You mention good habits in your Time Management and Clutter CDs. I agree. They need to be learned if not in place and quickly and repeatedly. Because without them, eeeeeggghhh!

As the one football coach said, "We drill for skill because under stress we regress." I think this is really the case with Adult-ADD. At least it is for me. And so what! I have proven my resiliance and creative solutions my whole life without knowing what was going on. I know what is going on now, and I am getting some pragmatic tools to work with. Today is good and tomorrow will be better.

Funny thing about Belief and Faith, it allows and feeds Hope. That's nice to have when you are having a bad day. As for the naysayers and the fingerwaggers who wish to get in my path and shove their opinions up my.... oh well, look at the time, I have to get to sleep. I will save that for another blog entry.

Just my 2 cents worth, Good journey everyone!

T

[Alicia]

Thank you Jenn for your insight. One question I have for you is, how do you deal with a spouse who treats me the way you depicted the co-worker in your question to the audience? "Would you ever tell your coworker, 'Oh, you didn't get a chance to clean up your desk today? Yeah...then you better skip that dinner date and stay late until you get it done!" I've been told that I am my own worst enemy, but I also feel like I am trying too hard to conform to what my husband wants me to do around the house. I could go on & on, but I really feel like I going crazy trying to do so much. (if only you knew what was on my plate) Thanks again for the encouragement.

[Alicia]

Thank you Jenn for your insight. One question I have for you is, how do you deal with a spouse who treats me the way you depicted the co-worker in your question to the audience? "Would you ever tell your coworker, 'Oh, you didn't get a chance to clean up your desk today? Yeah...then you better skip that dinner date and stay late until you get it done!" I've been told that I am my own worst enemy, but I also feel like I am trying too hard to conform to what my husband wants me to do around the house. I could go on & on, but I really feel like I going crazy trying to do so much. (if only you knew what was on my plate) Thanks again for the encouragement.

[Sital]

Thanks Jen - cool article

Janna - some thoughts in connection to the challenges around your work

1. Keep your mind focussed on your strengths

As an ADDer you are likely to have high levels of creativity, intuition, empathy and resilience along with the ability to multi task and connect with others
- Not the kind of traits and skills that can be easily ‘trained’ and so makes you highly employable

Being much more aware of these improves your self esteem which improves jusy about everything else

2. Focus on the benefits of hiring someone who has changed jobs 8 times in 10 years

Yes there is a downside to having so many jobs – but what’s the upside?

- Your highly adaptable to new environments, used to building new relationships quickly, experienced in learning new systems and procedures,
- Plus you demonstrate a commitment to lifelong learning (not all 53 year olds go to college!)
- You have had to build the mental toughness to get back up and find new jobs (shows resiliance and drive)

3. Don’t define yourself as a 'nurse' - it's just a title.

There may be fewer roles as a 'nurse' available to you in your town, but there are probably lots of other professions in your town that can utilise the skills and experiences you offer (i.e. all the ones I’ve just listed above)

ADDers typically are suited to roles with high levels stimulation and interaction, some variety, opportunities to use their creative thinking along with the freedom that comes from low levels of supervision

Which other jobs require the skills you offer whilst fulfilling the criteria above?

You have already demonstrated that you can adapt to change (from the job changes) and your college course shows you are someone that is willing to learn

That’s the message you need to be conveying to new employers when they have objections to your CV

4. Read Jen's book "Odd One Out" (and then keep dipping into it)

To really take advantage of tyour strengths, you really have to learn to manage the areas that you have challenges in

You do this by mastering the some of the skills Jen outlines in the book

Once you do, you will probably still struggle at times (part of the course), but have many more oportunities to shine and show off your greatness!

Best of luck!

[sohaila]

is working as a dentist suitable for a newly discovered add person ,18 years ,first year dentistry(my son)

[Linda L.]

A different twist: I KNOW I have ADD, because so much of what is described in your work and everyone's blogs, fits me.
What I want to add is that, since we either depend on our colleagues/bosses, or love our family members (if we are lucky), then we DO WANT to make their life easier. WANTING AND TRYING are signs of commitment and love. So let's not beat ourselves up about beating ourselves up. Let's acknowledge that in addition to self care, we need to DISCUSS these matters with people who are affected.
ASK them what they do value, and how they truly feel about whatever we or they find difficult. The goal is to engage them in helping us cope in ways which are easier for them and for us. -- I hope this makes sense to someone. When you get down to it, people DO appreciate our best qualities, or they wouldn't "keep us around." And if the spouse or the boss has formats and ways that can't tolerate us, then WE don't belong THERE.

To the nurse, for example: maybe you would like to try in-home nursing care, where you have one patient at a time, and that person can be appreciative of your personality and attention, and where you can sit in private in your car and review your next tasks, before you go into the house. Just a thought.

[Kevin G]

Sital:

Is dentistry a suitable career for a person gifted with ADD? Absolutely yes! If this is a career choice that intrigues him, he is going in the right direction. Boredom is the real career ender for anyone, but especially those of us who have active and creative minds. There is a great book called Driven to Distraction you should check out. It is written by two physicians who both were diagnosed with ADD as adults. I am a health care practitioner with ADD, and I believe that my patients actually benefit from my ADDed gifts.

There may be challenges ahead for your son with school, and later running the business end of a practice, but there are ways of dealing with those things. Knowing that you have ADD is the first and most important step so that you can plan for those things that will be a greater challenge. Hiring "neurotypicals" to take care of the business end of a practice also takes advantage of others talents and allow the ADDer to take advantage of theirs.

Wish your son much success for me.

Kevin G