Experiencing ADDvantages

Adults with ADD: Clean Your Brain

Ever find yourself with a brain full of unwanted guests?

ADD brains have a way of filling up with negative thoughts. They can build up to a point where it becomes hard to move forward in your day. This is what I call a state of "mental clutter."

 

Mental clutter is made up of many different kinds of negative thoughts. Think of them like characters.

Regrets Of The Past and Worries About The Future come over uninvited and park themselves on your brain's couch, where they can brood with each other for hours.

Self Doubt rings your brain's doorbell with a new criticism every chance it gets. When you don't answer the door, it leaves messages on your answering machine telling you why you suck.

Self Pity gets in your brain's way. It's an annoying little character that frequently sprawls out on your brain's floor and throws a tantrum.

 

And, of course, All Those Shoulds hide in the corners of your brain and whisper "You should do this!" and "You should do that!" when you least expect it.

When mental clutter takes over the ADD brain, it can be stressful, overwhelming, and sometimes even paralyzing. Mental clutter creates an atmosphere of chaos and gets in the way of you being calm, productive, happy, and successful.

When mental clutter starts blocking your progress, it's time to take out the trash!

 

The best way to clean up mental clutter is to attack it head on. This means acknowledging all those characters and the messages they send, and then kicking them all out on their butts.

 

Talk with Regrets Of The Past and Worries About The Future. Find out what they're on about and ask them a few questions. Does Regrets Of The Past have any wisdom to share that might be helpful in the present? Does Worries About The Future have any plans or solutions to offer? 

    

Tell Self Doubt to F--- off. The only way to deal with Self Doubt effectively is to put up really strong boundaries. Let it know, in the most direct and vulgar manner possible, that it's not welcome in your brain.

 

Give Self Pity a Time Out. Empathize with Self Pity and let it express its concerns. Find out why its so upset. Reassure it and make it feel better. Give it a toy to keep it busy.

Sweep Up All Those Shoulds. Collect All Those Shoulds from the corners of your brain and have a look. If you find a few gems, then by all means hang onto them. Throw the rest out the window.

Don't let mental clutter take over. When you find yourself with unwanted guests, take a little time to clean out your brain!

As always, your thoughts are welcome.

March mADDness Week 4 Winners

We wrap up our final March mADDness giveaway today! I hope these events were as much fun for everyone who participated as they were for me.

In order to be eligible to win the prize, the rules stated that entry comments must contain what you like most about having adult ADD, along with your first and last name--or, at least, first name and last initial. There were only 3 entries for the final contest, and none of them qualified as no one included their first and last name (or last initial.) What, do you people all have ADD or something?

So I could technically declare no winners this week, but what fun would that be? So screw it, everyone wins!

Stephanie, who values her spontaneous creativity, Jessica, who enjoys her own unique perspective, and Liz, who benefits from her ability to hyperfocus, are all getting a free 2-month subscription to the ADD Management Membership Program! We'll be contacting you all offline to get you setup.

Thanks to everyone who entered the four contests this month, and congratulations to all our winners!

UPDATE: Liz, you didn't include your email address either! Please contact us at coaching - at - addmanagement.com so we can set you up with your prize!

March mADDness Week 4: ADD & Community

Well, March is just about over. That means we can soon say goodbye to basketball interrupting our television viewing schedules, and wait for baseball to take over that job. It also means that we have just one giveaway left for March mADDness!

This week, I'm giving away a 2-month subscription to the new and improved ADD Management Membership Program (a $54 value.) This program teaches the "Five Essential Skills for Managing Adult ADD" and forges community and connection among adults with ADD. One of the biggest benefits of the membership program is the opportunity to connect with your peers and coaches who understand you, and don't judge you.

To Enter: In the comments field below, tell us one thing you love about adult ADD. In what way does it benefit you?

Deadline: Comments must be posted by midnight EST on Sunday March 30th. The winner will be announced on Monday March 31.

Note: You MUST include your name, email address, and one thing you love about adult ADD in your comment. At minimum, please include your first name and last initial. Your name will be published, your email address will not be.

The winner will be chosen at random (by Rascal - see Week 1) from all eligible entries and notified by email, as well as on the blog.

Good luck!

I Saw Right Through You, Spitzer

Okay, if you know me at all or read this blog even once in a while, then you can probably guess that I am a die hard Democrat. But that doesn't mean that I like, or trust, all Democrats. I knew a long time ago that, despite a glowing reputation and lots of good deeds as our New York State Attorney General, there was something a little off about Governor Eliot Spitzer.

So as we watched CNN report on the Spitzer sex scandal last night and a journalist conveyed that the entire newsroom was in shock as the details emerged, I looked over at Erin with a smirk on my face. "I know," she said. "You called it a long time ago."

I have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to reading people. I can often tell when people are sincere, and I can call bullshit faster than most. I am also pretty good at seeing ulterior motives, although I have been burnt for being too trusting in the past. For the most part, however, I'm usually right on target in my assessments.

One of my most impressive calls was Bruce Ritter, a Catholic priest and the founder of Covenant House for homeless teens. My mom was reading his book one day, aptly titled Sometimes God Has a Kid's Face. I took one look at the guy's picture on the back of the book and announced "Some thing is not right about this guy. He looks like a child abuser." My mother then informed me that he was saving kids from abuse, but I didn't buy it. I read parts of the book and my suspicions grew stronger. I was 11 or 12 at the time. And a year or two after that, the scandal broke. I wasn't surprised. (Man, I just made myself sound like one hell of a cynical child, didn't I?)

My mom, who is undiagnosed but most likely ADD, is pretty good at reading people, too. (Even though she clearly didn't pick up on Bruce Ritter.) And my ADD brother has a similar skill, although I think I'm quite a bit better!

I've also noticed that certain clients are really good at reading people, too. (And yet other clients complain that they can't read people to save their lives!) I've often wondered if this "sixth sense" is in some way related to ADD. Is it a heightened sense of intuition? Maybe strong levels of empathy  that allow us to tune into other people more than most? What do you think?

Do you have a knack for reading people? If so, do you think that your ADD helps this skill? Please share your thoughts!

Adult ADD & Negative People: Just Hang Up

My cell phone rang last night for the 4th time in an hour. I knew who it was: my brother. We're both very caught up in politics and chat frequently during the primaries.

"I'm not so sure about Texas anymore," he said.

"This is your last warning," I told him. "I'm staying positive and I don't want the negative energy. You either stay positive or I'm hanging up!"

"Okay." He agreed. "But did you see what CNN just said about--"

Click. I hung up. I warned him!

Adults with ADD can be very "spongy." We easily absorb the moods and emotions of those around us.

Because of this, we often have to shield ourselves from the people in our lives who have bad attitudes. For example:

• The friend who can never be happy for you when you have good news.
• The coworker who likes to come to your desk and complain.
• The family member who criticizes the way you keep your house, raise your kids, cut your hair, etc.

Such people can suck the energy right out of a happy, productive, and successful ADDer. Nothing stops successful ADD management like a bad attitude. Negativity and low self-confidence will quickly quash momentum.

Of course, we can't completely dismiss negative people from our lives. But what we can do is plan ahead to protect ourselves from absorbing the energy of the negative people around us. For example:

• Choose to share your good news with the positive and supportive people in your life, and skip that negative friend.
• Gently inform that complaining coworker that you're too swamped with work and can't chat.
• Tell that critical family member "Thanks for the feedback" and then change the subject.

Don't let the negative people in your life rob you of your success and good feelings. You deserve better.

Have a comment on this topic? Please share your thoughts! You can also feel free to share how negative people have affected you, your life, and your ADD management. How do you deal with them?

P.S. I got a phone call at 1 AM last night. "You were right. But I'm still mad you hung up on me." Oh well!

 

Beating Up Your Best Friend

Adults with ADD can be really hard on themselves. We often beat ourselves up over the smallest things, kicking self-esteem into the gutter and quashing motivation.

When a client berates herself for forgetting something, running late, or making a mistake, I ask her to breath and take a step back.

"If your friend made this innocent, simple mistake, would you berate her in the same way you're berating yourself?"

"No," is always the answer.

"So if you wouldn't treat your friend this way, why would you treat yourself this way?"

            Silence usually follows as the person realizes just how unfair she is being--to herself.

ADD-Libber has a great post on this subject, called "being your own best friend." Check it out!

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!

Living Out Loud: 2007 Was a Great Year

2007 has been a phenomenal year for me as I accomplished a number of goals that I've been working towards for quite some time.

1. The ADD Management Group grew substantially this year with the addition of Associate Coach Sharon Howell, and Erin's joining us full time.

Erin and I worked very hard to get to a place where she could quit her corporate job and join the business. And while it has been a stretch financially, the personal freedom and professional rewards that come along with being in business together is worth more than those fat corporate paychecks ever were.

2. Somewhere in between business and personal success, I was thrilled to have my book Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD published this year.

Writing a book has been a goal of mine since I was very young, and I am still getting a kick out of going onto Amazon.com to see the sales ranking for the book. (It's been in the top 100 in its category for over a month now!) Plus, the feedback that I've been receiving about the book has been absolutely fantastic. Writing Odd One Out was quite possibly the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

3. And, last but not least, I took a huge leap in my personal life this year by joining a band.

As a kid, I used to dream of being a rock star. When I was little I thought I could sing. As I got older, I thought I sucked! But I took a risk about 5 years ago and started voice lessons.

Finally, this year, it was time to stop dragging my feet and take this musical passion of mine to the next step! I placed an ad looking for other musicians and got a response from a band.

I took a leap and, although I'd love to tell you that I now have my very own band, it didn't work out. But I learned from the experience and will keep moving on. Funny, this step seemed unbelievably scary--until I actually took it.

I don't know what's in store for me in 2008, but I do know this: I'll be open to the opportunities that come my way. I'll be living out loud every chance I get. And I'll be focusing on my strengths and moving forward. It's the best way I know to live happily and successfully as an adult with ADD.

My Coaching Advice for 2008

Before you start thinking about your "New Year's Resolutions,"  take a moment to reflect on the year that has passed.

• What goals did  you accomplish?
• What did you learn about yourself?
• What made you really  happy?

If you want to make real changes in this coming year, then start by building on strengths and successes.

I'd love to hear about your successes in 2007! Please post them in the comments field.

Happy New Year!

Are You a Sprinter or a Marathon Runner?

Tuesday I cut my work day short for a personal commitment.

Yesterday I took a sick day. I don't know if I was fighting something off or what, but I just couldn't get out of bed.

Today it's been snowing all day and my little Punky has been staring out the window with a sad look on her face. She just can't wait to get out there and play! I'm going to have to stop my work day a little early to take her out to hop around in the snow. (Poor little Rascal won't be able to play as much, as the snow is already taller than he is!)

These little things add up to me being really behind on my to-do list.  It's tempting to get stressed about this, but I know that life happens, and sometimes that means reevaluating the to-do list and reprioritizing the tasks.

I had a session with a client today and something in our conversation really struck her: it's okay to do things little by little. She has a big project to work on and there is just no way she can tackle it in one day. She compared it to running. She's a sprinter, not a marathon runner. She's become accustomed to sprinting and getting things done quickly, not to pacing herself for the long haul.

I think this is a great metaphor and it can be applied to big projects, and to everyday life. Adults with ADD tend to be "all or nothing" thinkers. A project or task is either done, or not done. There's no room for in between.

But part of learning to manage ADD is learning to develop new patterns of thought and action. All or nothing is useful sometimes, but being "in progress" is useful--in fact, essential--other times. Doing things in steps or little by little doesn't always feel comfortable to us, but it's a pattern worth developing.

I could take the dogs to play this evening and then work all night to catch up on my to-do list...but I won't. My work will get done little by little...and I'm okay with that. (I wasn't always.)

Are you more of a sprinter, or a marathon runner?

10 Things to be Thankful for on Turkey Day

There  is a common misconception in the world that having ADD is a bad thing. But while the ADD-wired brain certainly presents some  challenges, it also offers some incredible advantages. 

So if Thanksgiving prep has you feeling overwhelmed, the travel has you feeling frazzled, or your crazy family makes you want to scream, then here's a reminder of some things you can be genuinely happy about...                      

10 Benefits of Having Attention Deficit Disorder

1. Compassion
People with ADD have a tremendous power to connect with other people. But it goes a step further than that. We also have an advanced ability to empathize with others, and to see many different perspectives. 

2. Creativity
I've  never met an ADDer who wasn't creative! Writers, painters, musicians, craftors, film makers, designers, sculptors, the list goes on. Artistic and creative talents are abundant.                     

3. Drive
When an ADDer is bored with a task, completing it can seem like torture. But give an ADDer an interesting project to work on and watch out! When we want to succeed, and we have the necessary tools to do so, there is no stopping us.

4. Problem-Solving Ability
ADDers thrive on solving problems and puzzles. Give us an interesting problem to solve and we won't be able to drop it until we've found the solution!

5. Hyper-Focus
The ability to hyper-focus is something that we can use to our advantage. When kept under control and directed towards positive goals, it can be an incredible asset that allows us to get the job done, and done well!

6. Sense of Humor/Comedic Flair
Most ADDers love to laugh, and many also have a knack for making others laugh. Sharp wit and keen insight makes many ADDers the life of the party.

7. Resiliency
There's no denying that even though there are many great qualities that come along with ADD, there are also challenges. But ADDers have an incredible ability to bounce back from those challenges and move forward. 

8. Intuition
ADDers have a sharp sense of intuition. This may be due to highly tuned levels of perception, great insight into the human mind, or something else that we have yet to understand. Whatever the reason, it's a very useful gift!

9. Idea Generating
ADDers are wonderful idea generators. We don't usually like to be bothered with details, but we can come up with ideas at lightning speed. We're a true asset in brainstorming meeting!

10. That "Special Something"
Many ADDers feel that they have a unique way of looking at the world--a perspective that others just don't understand. That is, until we meet other ADDers! You might say that we're on our own wavelength...and what a fun place it can be!

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!