Experiencing ADDvantages

Anxiety and Recurring Dreams

Whenever my anxiety levels increase in waking life, my dreams become more stressful.

I have two recurring dream "themes." In one, I am about to graduate either high school or college, and I suddenly realize that I did not complete my math requirement. (Math was always my least favorite subject and the one I often struggled with.) I freak out in the dream, fearing that I won't graduate and hoping no one finds out about the problem. (In reality, I never in danger of not graduating.)

In the other recurring dream theme, I find myself going about my day-to-day life when I suddenly realize that I am missing a coaching appointment with a client. I freak out because I completely forgot my appointments and the client will be waiting for me. (In reality, I have accidentally missed only one appointment in five years.)

Erin's anxiety dreams are always about needing to leave somewhere and having no time to pack up all her things. College, childhood camp, or old home, she never has enough time to do everything she needs to and pack up all her stuff. (In reality, she's never been in a situation like this.)

It's probably safe to assume that my anxiety centers around the fear of forgetting important things, and Erin's anxiety is a fear of not getting things done.

While everyone is subject to periods of anxiety, it's not uncommon for adults to be diagnosed with anxiety and ADD as co-occuring conditions. And chances are that the more anxiety you experience in waking life, the more it shows up in your dreams!

Care to share on this topic?

Do you have recurring dream themes when you experience increased anxiety in day to day life? What happens in your dreams? What fear do you think the dreams represent?

Please leave your thoughts and experiences in the comments! I think this is a really interesting (and kinda fun) topic that may be helpful to talk about!

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!

Updating Our Blogroll

We're updating our blogroll as a service to our readers.  if you write a blog for or about adults with ADD, then please leave a comment with your site!

What Do You Think?

Keep the new blog style, or go back to the old?  Please post your comments and let me know!

ADD in Action

Last week, I watched a show on CourtTV about Human Behavior Experiments. Although I never pursued a degree in psych, I did take a couple of classes, and I'm absolutely fascinated by this stuff.

The show looked at a number of current "criminal" events (like the Abu Ghraib scandal) and attempted to explain the participants' criminal actions in terms of some well-known psychology experiments from the 60s and 70s.

One such experiment was inspired by the murder of Kitty Genovese in 1964. She was murdered in New York City as at least 38 people watched from their windows -- and did nothing. Later social psych experiments proved that when people are in a group, they feel less responsibility in an emergency situation and therefore are less likely to take action. Strange, and sad, but true.

I have often wondered...in a situation like this, would I be any different? Would I take action?

One of the great qualities that ADDers possess is that we are really good in emergencies. That's why many of us can be found as doctors and nurses in Emergency Rooms.

Personally, I have always been pretty good in emergencies. I have a quick response time (and for some reason, my queasiness goes away in medical emergencies.) In fact, until I learned that ADDers tend to jump into action quickly while most people tend to freeze up in emergencies, I used to get really annoyed at friends and family that didn't also spring into action when the situation called for it.

I wonder...are we the select few who would have called 911 as Kitty Genovese was being murdered? Or are we just like everyone else in these situations, feeling that our responsibility is not as great simply because there are more people around?

I wish I had a personal experience that I could call upon, but I don't. Do you??

I would really like to know...have you even been in an emergency situation in which there were many people around and you did - or didn't - jump into action?

Please do share your story. As I mentioned before, I am personally fascinated by this stuff!

A Few of My FavorADD Things

Remote controls that allow you to program your favorite channels for easy surfing during commercials

Dishwashers (they're like magic to me)

Finding money in random pockets and being completely surprised

Cell phone video games

What are a few of your favorADD things?

Learned Helplessness

My brother, Ray, and I both have ADD.  Although we have many similar qualities, growing up there was one distinct difference between us.

I was fiercely independent, and he was overly dependent.

I was the leader in our childhood games.  Ray was the follower.  It was my way or no way, and Ray was just fine with that.  (I get ragged on about this all the time.  While dictatorship is no way to go, you'd think my family could appreciate my early leadership qualities!)

I always studied alone.  "No, mom, I don't want you to quiz me for my spelling test!"  Ray couldn't study without help.

I wanted to be left alone with my alarm in the morning.  Yes, it might take me a while to get up, but nagging only made it worse.  My mother was still calling Ray in college to make sure he got up on time.

Ray had a lot done for him growing up.  My mom never seemed to get the fact that as long as she continued to do things for Ray, he would never learn to do them on his own.  In fact, as he grew older, he often faked ignorance just to have laundry and other chores done for him.  Being the independent soul that I was, this quality in Ray always annoyed the hell out of me.

Well...

This morning I got a stain on a good shirt, and found myself downstairs in the (apartment building) laundry room before I was really even awake. 

After one washing cycle, the stain was still there.  Okay, put it in again.  After two washing cycles, the stain is still there.

I call Erin at work.  "Er, I can't believe that I'm calling you about laundry, but what am I doing wrong?" 

Spray-N-Wash.  I forgot the Spray-N-Wash.  Duh.

Now, here's the thing.  When Erin first moved in, she wasn't allowed to do laundry.  She had no idea what she was doing, and often put darks and whites in the same load!  So laundry was quickly off-limits for her; it was my task.

Somewhere along the line, this flipped.  Now Erin does the laundry every time.  She learned the tricks, and I forgot everything.

Last week, Erin and I joked in our blogs about how she often acts as my Executive Functioning, and how great that is for me.

But today, I'm wondering...is that really a good thing all the time?  I seem to have developed a learned helplessness about the laundry, even though I did it all my life with no problem.  I've become like Ray!

Is "learned helplessness" the downside to focusing on your strengths and learning to delegate?  Or is it a consequence that doesn't even matter?

What are your thoughts?

Food!

I've made an interesting discovery lately. When I take my ADD medication, I am less likely to indulge in sweets.

I'd like to know: do you see any correlations between your eating habits and your ADD?

Dream Themes

Did you ever have a recurring dream theme?  Not necessarily the same dream over and over, but the same problem over and over played out in different dreams?  I do.  Especially when I'm stressed out.

I used to have dreams that I was in a dangerous situation, and had to pepper spray an attacker to get away.  (I live in NYC, so I do carry pepper spray.  But I have never been attacked by anyone!)  These dreams stopped, however, and now, I am having a new recurring dream theme: not graduating high school.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  Not only did I graduate high school 12 years, but I was never in danger of not graduating!  I also continued on to college, which was much more stressful than high school!  But for some reason, when I get stressed, I have a dream in which I am back in high school and either didn't take a course needed to graduate, or didn't go to a class I needed to graduate, and therefore I wouldn't be able to graduate.   

These dreams are so stressful that I am always extremely relieved to wake up and realize this is one worry that I don't have to deal with right now.  I guess the mind has strange ways of processing stress and anxiety.

Do you have an interesting recurring dream theme, or some ideas about mine?  I'd love to hear them - please post in the Comments section. 

Professional Growth

In the past few months I’ve been hard at work creating additional products and services for adults with ADD.

In addition to coaching ADD adults, I’m also coaching other ADD Coaches in marketing and business development, and I am beginning to develop services specifically for ADD business owners and entrepreneurs, as my client base is filled with them!

And later this year I hope to organize a weekend retreat in upstate New York for all adults with ADD.

As you can see, I’ve been busy! And loving every minute of it.

I’d like to take this opportunity to share my new website with you: http://www.JenniferKoretsky.com, which links to all the other websites and projects that are live or in the works.

As always, feedback is welcome!