Experiencing ADDvantages

ADD Moments: Smelling the "Roses"

A few days ago, I went to Home Depot and bought garden soil, manure and mulch. I'm dabbling in vegetable gardening this summer and I got everything I needed to build a raised bed.

On the way back from the store, I wasn't feeling well, and I decided that I'd build the bed the following day. But then it rained and I couldn't work outside. So I figured I would prepare my raised bed this weekend. No biggie.

Then I forgot all about the stuff in my trunk.

For the next couple of days, for whatever reason, we took Erin's car whenever we drove somewhere. The fact that I had actual bags of shit in my trunk didn't even cross my mind...until today.

Today I have an appointment that requires a 2-hour drive, and my car smells like shit. Literally.

It's only 52 degrees in NY today, but I'll be making my 2-hour drive with the windows rolled down.

Adults with ADD: Doing Projects the Hard Way

You want to get your (actual) butt in shape? Try loading a wheelbarrow with 100 lbs and then pushing it up a steep hill. Then do it a few more times, and repeat the following day.

This is what I did over the weekend, as I tried to create a planting bed around my house. It turns out that I am an absolute expert when it comes to gardening the hard way.

The last time I worked on the landscape, I planted a few shrubs and thought that I could easily dig up the ground. WRONG. Digging up our compacted, rocky soil turned out to be a lot of hard work. I remember my arms and shoulders being sore for days afterward. I vowed to do it "the easy way" next time.

So when I read an article about making a "lazy bed," I was on board. The technique involves laying down newspaper and then covering it with soil, compost, and mulch. Then you wait a few months while the newspaper decomposes and the compost loosens up the ground below. By the end of the season, your bed is ready for planting. Sounds easy, right? Once again, WRONG.

Perhaps I should have considered:

• Trying this technique with a smaller bed
• The constant wind we get because we live on a big hill (keeping the newspapers from blowing away before I could cover them was harder than I thought)
• The hours and hours and hours that would be involved from start to finish
• Ten or so wheelbarrow trips would--literally--bust my butt! (I was so sore!!)

I did, eventually, complete my project. But it certainly wasn't the easy route.

As a fellow ADDer, you're probably all too familiar with situations like mine. You get a great idea, dive in, and then find that your idea will require more time, energy, and resources than you thought it would.

The options you're left with are 1) quit 2) burn yourself out to finish or 3) make a plan to finish over time. (The third option is often the hardest for adults with ADD.) And no matter which option you choose, the most important thing you can do is to learn from your mistakes.

It's tempting to get down on yourself after experiences like these. Despite your best intentions and careful planning, "the easy way" can turn out to be very difficult. And while this may feel like failure, it's really just a learning experience.

It doesn't matter how hard your project turns out to be. It doesn't matter how many ways you miscalculated your plans. If you're open to learning, then you can't fail.

Each mistake you make brings you one step closer to a solution. Sometimes, you have to make a lot of mistakes to get to where you want to go. But if you're willing to learn from your mistakes, then you'll always be moving forward.

So the next time your "easy" project turns out to be harder than you thought, DON'T beat yourself up about it. Just take a trial-and-error approach. I guarantee you'll be much more successful!

As for me and my landscaping projects, I now know that digging doesn't work, and lazy beds are anything but lazy. I think it's time to rent a rototiller.

What projects have you been doing the hard way?
Share your thoughts in the comments field!

Want to Make a Change? Create a Personal Theme for 2009

In the last issue of the ADD Management Guide, I encouraged everyone to avoid making New Year's Resolutions. Generally, people commit to their new behavior for 17 days before completely giving up. A knock in self-esteem always follows. So why bother?

Instead, I suggested an exercise in reflection to increase awareness of your challenges and successes in the previous year, and to identify some positive intentions for 2009. Now it's time to take that notion a step further.

What if, instead of locking yourself into a rigid set of rules, you resolved to focus on a specific area that's important to you? I'm talking about creating a theme for the New Year.

When you have a theme in mind for yourself, you can continually focus on making improvements in one area all year long. There are no rules and no dents in self-esteem, just a general commitment to remain focused on making improvements in a specific area of your life.

To aid you in this endeavor, you can create a question that you use to check in with yourself on a regular basis.

Here are some examples:

Theme: The Year of the Authentic Self
Goal: To focus on being yourself with no anxiety or apologies, to express yourself fully and develop better self-esteem.
Question: Will this statement/action reveal my authentic self?

Theme: The Year of Better Health
Goal: To focus on making choices that will improve general health and well being.
Question: Will this action lead to better health?

Theme: The Year of Diminished Debt
Goal: To focus on eliminating debt.
Question: Will this action/purchase decrease my debt?

In all these examples, asking yourself a very simple 'yes or no' question will help you build awareness and make good decisions based on what you want to be doing.

My theme for 2009 is "The Year of Speaking the Truth." This is actually an exercise in boundaries for me. It's about being unapologetic for the choices that I make. It's also about being honest with myself about how I feel. The question I'll be asking myself is "Am I honoring/speaking my truth?"

In the past few years, I've found that creating a theme for my year is much more effective than simply making resolutions. It requires more mental attention, but it produces much greater (and more fulfilling) results in the long haul.

And I've seen too many clients, colleagues, and friends damage their self-esteem by setting themselves up with unrealistic resolutions that they just couldn't follow through on. So if you don't want to be one of them this year, then consider implementing a personal theme for 2009.

Got a theme for the New Year? Please share it with us in the comments! And feel free to share any other thoughts you have on this topic, too.

A Personal Note to Readers

I hope the New Year is treating everyone well. I know it's been quite some time since I've blogged, and I wanted to let everyone know that "I'm back."

Without going into details, we had a family emergency the day before Thanksgiving and a very rough holiday season followed. We decided to close down the business for the month of December in order to take care of ourselves.

I wouldn't be a very good ADD coach if I didn't walk my talk. I strongly encourage my clients to practice excellent self-care, and closing the ADD Management Group for a month was what Erin and I needed to do to take care of ourselves. Fortunately, my clients understood this. In fact, many clients mentioned that they really admired the self-care example that I set. I'm privileged to have such wonderful clients who really "get it."

I may post more about what happened to us at a later date. For now, I'm just easing back into life and work. The blog posts, tweets, and newsletters may be less frequent for a while, but I'm sure you all understand, and I appreciate your patience.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. :)

 

An Uncensored Account of My Experience with SSRI Withdrawal

I've been oddly silent for over a week recently, and I know a lot of people are wondering what happened to me. Clients even told me they were worried about me, because I never cancel appointments, but I canceled just about all of them last week.

Well, the truth is that I spent the last week withdrawing from drugs. The legal kind.

A few years ago (and I honestly can't remember how many - 4, 5, 6?) I began taking a small dose of Lexapro to help with severe PMS. I took just 5 mg, half a pill, 10 days before my period. The first month, I didn't notice a difference. Erin did, however. She sat me down and told me "Honey, I want you to take this pill every day."

In just a few months, I was taking it every day. It helped tremendously with the feeling of underlying anxiety that I had dealt with for as long as I could remember and didn't realize was a problem for most of my life. For the first time I was realizing that this low-level anxiety was doing a lot of damage. It was hard to be happy when I was always nervously anticipating what would go wrong next.

All these decisions were made, of course, under the guidance of a psychiatrist, and I've talked a little about this experience in my book. And over the years I've noticed that most of my clients are on both an SSRI (such as Lexapro, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft) and a psychostimulant (such as Concerta, Ritalin, Adderall), just like me. Depression and anxiety are the two most common coexisting conditions for people with AD/HD, and many of us find ourselves needing a little quality of life boost.

So fast forward to 2008. I've made a lot of changes in my life. I've made physical changes that help keep my brain balanced, like eating more nutritiously and getting better sleep. And I exercise moderately, although I probably got more exercise when I lived in the city. I've also made practical changes in my life by learning and applying the skills I need to manage anxiety.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and told her that I thought it was time to go off the Lexapro. "I can't explain it," I told her. "But I just have this weird, intuition-like feeling that it's time to go off the Lexapro." She had a wise response, I thought, which was to go off the medication and then, if I felt anxious again and I needed to go back on it, at least I'd know why. I wouldn't feel like I was popping pills for no reason.

So we set up a schedule for me to begin weening off the Lexapro. Seven and a half mgs for 2 weeks, then 5 mgs for two weeks, then 2.5 mgs for 2 weeks, then done. It would take a while, but it would hopefully be easier than going "cold turkey." And my doctor warned me that the withdrawal would be bad. "So bad," she said, "that you'll feel way worse than you did before you went on the medication. Don't confuse the withdrawal with anxiety or depression symptoms."

I had no idea just how bad the withdrawal would be.

I had some mood swings and fatigue each time I went down a notch on the meds. Going down from 7.5 mgs to 5 mgs was a little harder, and I decided that I wanted this process to be done already, and that I would go from 5mg to 0. (And, please be sure to note, this is something I discussed with my doctor.)

I planned it perfectly, or so I thought. I stopped taking the meds on a Wednesday night, with no appointments that Thursday or Friday, and I figured that I would pretty much experience most of the withdrawal symptoms over the weekend. I might need to sleep a little late on Monday and Tuesday, which would be no problem because my client appointments started later in the day. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong.

For a few days after dropping the Lexapro completely, I just had mood swings. I oscillated between being giddy, weepy, and angry. I was tired. But it wasn't that bad. On Sunday, we took our usual hike in the mountains, and I felt like walking in the sunshine and brisk air for a couple of hours was exactly what I needed. By Monday, I was in a completely different place.

For four days, Monday through Thursday, I was in the throws of SSRI withdrawal. It was awful. Here are just a few of the symptoms I experienced:

• Extreme mood swings, which included raging anger. I looked for things to throw on more than one occasion. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't actually throw them.
• Awful sadness. I cried at everything. I cried when I saw 10 seconds of upcoming scenes for the Chef Jeff Project. A troubled kid was hugging Chef Jeff, and I lost it.
• Extreme fatigue, and extreme insomnia. I was so tired, and often couldn't sleep.
• I felt flu-y. Stuffy head, sore throat, headaches, muscle pain. I would start off strong, and go downhill quickly in the day. You wouldn't think that withdrawal from a psychiatric medication would cause flu-like symptoms, but it's actually really common.
• General fogginess. I was on slow speed. It took me a lot longer to process what I was hearing, and to put my own thoughts into words. On one or two occasions, I told Erin the same thing twice, as in repeated the sentence right away without even realizing it.
• Really intense, anxiety-filled dreams. Tons of them, including the one about some guy trying to have sex with my mother at a county fair. (Yes, you read that right.) When I told my mom about it, she quickly responded, "That's not a dream, it's a nightmare!"
• Cravings. I mostly wanted salty meat and a lot of Asian food. I had a craving for a dish that I used to get at a Vietnamese restaurant in the city...that I haven't had in over 3 years! Also, orange juice. I don't really drink juice, so that was a bit weird, too.
• Skin sensitivity. One night the sheets would feel super comfy, and the next night those same sheets made me itch beyond belief.

Probably the most notable symptom, especially to those around me, was the anger I felt. It was so bad. Everything pissed me off...and I mean pissed me off. I knew the anger was coming when my poor little babies (my dogs) would start shaking. It was like they felt it coming on before I did. And just to be clear, I did not hit or abuse them at all. If you have dogs, then you know that they are very sensitive to the moods of the people around them.

I used to watch Celebrity Rehab and think the people on there who got pissed off so often were just fucked up. Now I understand that the drug withdrawal makes them fucked up. So fucked up that minor trespasses become major, anger-filled events. I can now relate, because even though I didn't withdraw from heavy drugs, I was that fucked up.

It strikes me as I write this post that I can't quite put into words just how badly those 4 days were last week. It was more than not just feeling like myself. It was painful, both physically and emotionally. And even though I knew that the feelings would pass, I couldn't help wondering if it was worth it. The Lexapro really helped me for years, and I'm thankful for that. But I might have thought twice if I knew that this withdrawal period would be a part of the process.

I've been feeling better for a few days now, and I actually feel pretty good today. Well, that might be an overstatement. I feel good compared to how I had been feeling. But I'm confident that I won't have to cancel any coaching appointments this week. Catching up on email is another story...

I wrote this post for a few reasons:

1. I wanted to explain to everyone why I "flaked" for over a week. I especially wanted to explain to my clients who aren't used to this kind of behavior from me.
2. I wanted to document my experience, and process it for myself.
3. I wanted to offer an open account of my experience to those who might benefit from it. Even though I knew that I would experience a withdrawal period, I wasn't quite prepared for the severity. I spent a good deal of time online this week trying to make sure I wasn't crazy.

I'm leaving the comments open on this post (for now, anyway) but my assistant and I are going to be really diligent about deleting inappropriate comments. If you want to tell me that drugs are evil, don't bother. If you want me to look into Scientology or you represent an "alternative" product, don't bother. In fact, if you want to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, don't bother. Even if you're trying to be helpful. Fortunately, I have a good doctor, a supportive partner, and two loving dogs who haven't had the shakes for 5 days. I have everything I need.

If, on the other hand, you want to offer a kind word or share your own experience, then please do.

And if you've stumbled upon this post and are looking for more information on the subject, then here are a few resources that might be helpful:

• SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome (Wikipedia)
• SSRI/SNRI Withdrawl Syndrome (Depression Central)
• The best resource = your doctor.

Thanks to everyone who patiently awaited my arrival back to society. I'll be reporting more on this subject and my experience in the coming weeks.

My Most Memorable Halloween

When I was 22 I moved into my first apartment in Queens. I was in the apartment for about 2 months when Halloween came around. I was excited! It would be my first Halloween experience living in my own place. I decorated inside and out, and bought lots of candy. My building was very big and there were a lot of cute kids. I couldn't wait to see them all dressed up!

I bought a lot of candy. The good kinds, too. No Neco Wafers or Sugar Daddies. No way! I actually used a clear plastic baggie and ribbon to bundle together a Snickers bars, Starbursts, and 2 Tootsie Pops for each of the kids in the building. I knew that a couple of them already thought that I was a cool--being a young chick living on my own--and so I wanted to be sure to live up to their expectations and impress them with good candy.

When Halloween night finally came, I dressed up Punky in her own little costume, and prepared for the kids. The first group to ring my bell consisted of 3 little kids, and their big brother. One of these kids, Jamal, was my favorite. He was so cute it drove me crazy. He would talk to me in the elevator, tell me about his day at preschool, and ask me questions about my dog. It always took a lot for me to not grab that kid and hug and kiss him. I knew he'd be really happy with the candy bundle I put together especially him and the other building kids.

I answered the door and went through the customary spiel of "Oh, your costume is so scary!" and "Wow, I didn't even recognize you!" before reaching into the "special" candy bowl containing the bundles for the building kids.

I slowly lifted each bundle--making sure the kids saw right then and there just how cool I was giving them all this great candy--before placing one in each kid's empty pillow case. I was their first door! I smiled to myself. I was setting a precident this Halloween. They certainly wouldn't get any better treats after me!

When I finished distributing the candy, Jamal couldn't take his eyes off that little bag of candy sitting in his empty pillow case. He stood there with his mouth open, staring at the bundle of candy. I smiled to myself with pride.

Finally, Jamal looked up. "That's all you're gonna give me?"

"Sorry," his older brother said. "It's his first time."

Mavericks Break the Rules

Before my book was published last year, I brainstormed titles and subtitles with my Mastermind Group of coaches. The title Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD was born out of that meeting.

A week later, I came up with the subtitle: How to Be Happy and Successful by Breaking the Rules. I loved it! It was a fantastic summary of my personal coaching philosophy. I sent it around to some close friends and colleagues and asked for feedback.

A few people liked it a lot, but a couple of people emailed me with the same concern: they suggested I use the subtitle "How to Be Happy and Successful by Making Your Own Rules," instead of "...by Breaking the Rules." Breaking the rules seemed a little too strong, they said. And really it means the same thing in the end, doesn't it?

I thanked everyone for their feedback, and chose not to change the subtitle. Here's why: Mavericks aren't content to just make new rules. Mavericks don't even like rules. And we tend to not like the people who make the rules much, either.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging anyone to indulge in a crime spree. What I am suggesting, however, is that there are a number of social rules and constraints that many ADDers struggle to adhere to.

Think about all the rules that you feel pressured to follow, like:

• You must put money before happiness when it comes to your job or career
• You must sit perfectly still in a meeting or classroom so as not to disrupt others
• You must go to bed and wake up at a "reasonable" hour
• You must super-clean your house for guests
• You must put everything away in a neat and tidy place if you want to be organized
• You must put the needs of your family and friends before your needs
• You must be productive throughout the entire day
• And worst of all - you must do everything in your power to hide your ADD from everyone around you

I call BS on all these rules, and the others like them!

Maverick ADDers actually function better with guidelines instead of rules. When we create structure for ourselves, it needs to flexible, not rigid.

The maverick approach to ADD management requires that you take a good, hard look at the rules you're pressuring yourself to follow, and decide which ones need to be broken.

When you embrace the maverick within and make a conscious decision to break the rules that have been holding you back, you give yourself permission to be happy and successful according to your own guidelines. You move beyond your challenges, and into your authentic self.

In this regard, the maverick approach to ADD management is easier than you might think. Following the rules can be painful... but breaking them can be fun.

What rules are you ready to break? Tell us! Please share your thoughts in the comments field.

Overwhelm: Hold Your Horses

Prior to this weekend, I rode a horse just once in my life. My friend's father had a ranch, and I did a little bit of riding when we there for a visit. I remember doing it with ease and really enjoying it. That was 15 years ago. My, how things change!

This past weekend Erin and I went horseback riding with an activity group that we belong to. I was a little nervous, but I thought, "I've done this before. I'll be fine. It'll be fun!"

Not having a lot of experience, I was given a pretty, gentle horse by the name of Shadowfax. "I know you're nervous but you'll be fine," the ranch manager told me. "Shadowfax takes out Girl Scouts!" I believed him, until I got in the saddle.

Shadowfax immediately took off and walked over to Murphy, Erin's horse, while we waited for the other riders to saddle up. He acted like he had done this a million times, and he was just getting himself ready for the walk. Once in place, he snorted and shifted his weight from side to side, like a bored kid who didn't know what to do with himself.

Erin was amazingly comfortable on her horse, talking to him and stroking him as we waited. I was unbelievably nervous. There was nothing to hold on to to keep my balance! Every time Shadowfax shifted his weight I tensed up and worried that I would fall off. I seriously considered getting off the horse and staying behind.

I pressed on, however, and as the group got moving, Shadowfax went on autopilot. He knew the trail, he knew his place in line, and he knew what speed to travel at. He also knew me. I was just beginning to loosen up and get comfortable, when Shadowfax saw his opportunity.

As everyone else marched straight ahead on the trail, Shadowfax veered left and trotted into an open field to munch on some grass. And while this might not be a big deal to an experienced rider, it scared the shit out of me. I was nervous and weak, and he knew he could take advantage of the situation to break out of his daily rut and chow down on some gourmet shrubs.

"Help!" I screamed. "HELP! What do I do?"

While I was freaking out, the trail guide took control. "STOP!" she yelled. "Breathe! Now pull back on the reins. Pull harder! Show him you're in control. Good! Now pull to the right. Good. There you go! You've got it!"

Once I was back on the trail, things got a little easier. I was still a bit nervous about falling off the horse, but I had proven to myself that I could communicate with this horse and that we could work together to complete our task.

It occurred to me after the ride that my experience of losing control and freaking out while riding a horse wasn't all that different from the sudden onset of overwhelm that many adults with ADD experience on a regular basis. One minute, things are going fine. The next, everything is chaos. You feel out of control and in over your head.

Interestingly enough, the way I got out of that situation was the same way I get out of overwhelm, and the same way that I coach my clients to get out of overwhelm:

1. Slow down. Breathe. Get centered in the present moment so you can assess the situation clearly.
2. Take the reins. Make a decision and act on it. Do it with conviction.
3. Acknowledge success.
4. Move forward.

And, most importantly, don't be afraid to call (or scream) for help when you really need it. :-)

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Rethinking Your Priorities (Lessons From a Really Smart Dog)

When we lived in the city (New York City), there was a little Bichon Frise in our building named Oreo.

Erin and I really liked Oreo's family. The mom, dad, son, and grandmother were all very pleasant neighbors and easy to talk to. We'd chat in the elevators or when we occasionally ran into them at the mailbox. But never on the street.

When we were out on the street, we always had our dogs with us...and Punky and Oreo hated each other. They would bark and claw and growl just looking at each other. They couldn't even be walked on the same side of the street. And because their apartment faced the street, Oreo would often sit in his window and growl at Punky from 6 floors above.

One winter afternoon it began snowing and Punky was psyched. It was the first snowfall of the year! She knew I wasn't above trying to beat the neighborhood kids to the fresh patches of snow for her to play in, but on this day the snow had started falling late in the day, which meant that we could go out in the evening and have the whole neighborhood to ourselves! No one would be shoveling snow or plowing roads at 10pm, and the kids wouldn't be out either. The neighborhood would be one giant patch of virgin snow. Being a very smart dog, Punky was well aware of this.

She cried at the door for hours and when the snow fall finally began to slow down, Erin and I bundled up and let Punky excitedly pull us to the street. But when we arrived, there was a problem...

Oreo.

He and his dad had the same idea. Fresh snow to play in is many a dog's dream come to true.

Punky and Oreo stood facing each other in the moonlight. Punky was kneedeep in snow, and little Oreo was nearly covered by it. We all held our breath at the unexpected meeting. But then something surprising happened: Punky and Oreo started playing together.

It was almost as if they had a conversation as they stared each other down. "Look, I don't like you and you don't like me. But we both like snow, and we both like playing in the snow. Whaddaya say we put the past behind us, just for tonight, and enjoy the snow together?"

They did just that, and enjoyed playing in the snow with each other for a very long time that night. And whenever it snowed, Punky and Oreo knew they'd be meeting each other for some play time during their evening walks.

How does all this relate to managing ADD? Sometimes it's worth it to rethink your priorities.

Structuring Freedom

I was really excited about this past weekend because I was looking forward to doing absolutely nothing. It was a busy summer with commitments every weekend, and this Labor Day weekend there was not a single thing scheduled. No workshops, no classes, no visitors, no concerts, no appointments--not even a barbecue!

"Great!" I thought to myself. "I'll sleep late, catch up on yard work and household projects, and take the dogs for a hike at least once, if not twice."

But it didn't happen. Aside from sleeping late, I achieved absolutely nothing I set out to do. Why? Because I forgot a very important element in my personal ADD management systems. To put it very simply: I Need Structure.

When there is nothing on my schedule, it's really important that I put something there. I don't have to pack my day with tasks and chores, but I do need to put some parameters around my time.

It might be as simple as deciding that I will spend Saturday afternoon hiking with the dogs and Sunday afternoon working in the garden. (Sleeping late both days goes without saying, of course.) It's also helpful to decide that Sunday evening will be a big dinner--one that takes some time to prepare and offers plenty of leftovers for the coming week--while Monday will be a barbecue with a quick prep. And, of course, all this needs to be decided in advance.

As long as there are just a few guidelines, I can function without a problem. When there is a to-do list but no structure, I can't make it work. I procrastinate and slack off, and I feel bored, agitated, and just plain miserable without that structure.

So this past weekend served as timely reminder as the summer commitments wind down. A free weekend is nice, but a structured weekend is better.