Experiencing ADDvantages

Adults with ADD: Follow the Rules to Break Them

So this past weekend Erin and I played house when we took my 6 & 5 year old cousins, Michael and Alex, for a night. These kids are insanely cute, but they're a handful. Erin quickly deciphered Michael's MO: if no one's looking, the rules don't apply.

At 6 years old, Michael has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He's got many ADHD traits, from hyperactivity to severe boredom after 60 seconds of inactivity. And keeping up with him is a challenge.

It also forced me to think about the concept of "the rules" in a new way.

In my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, I talk about how to be happy and successful by breaking the rules. And as I observed Michael jumping on the bed the very minute I turned my back, I started to wonder if I was a hypocrite. I encourage being a maverick and breaking the rules, and yet I lectured this kid on "the rules" more times than I care to remember.

After some long, hard thought and meditation, I came to this conclusion: sometimes, you have to follow the rules in order to break them.

I coach clients on this all the time, actually. Many situations in our lives are a means to an end. Sometimes we have to play the game in order to get through to the other side and change the game. Take, for example:

• The client who struggles to follow a specific format for her dissertation. The dissertation is one of the things she needs to get her Ph.D. And once she has that Ph.D., she can call the shots about what she studies and how she presents it.
  
• The client who has to painstakingly document every sketch, conversation, and thought he's ever had about his invention in order to protect it. He's breaking the rules and creating a number of cool inventions, and yet there are very specific--and unbelievably detailed--legal guidelines he has to follow in order to get there.
• The client who has been told that she's next in line for her boss's job, yet continually gets disciplined for being late. She single-handedly landed the two biggest clients her company has ever seen, but being 10 minutes late in the morning often gets more attention. She has to stay in her boss's good graces to ensure that she makes it long enough to get that promotion and be the one in charge.

And, of course, there's 6 year old Michael, who has to follow the rules until he's old enough to break them. He has to stay safe, go to school, and learn what he's good at. Then, when he's old enough, he'll be in a better position to embrace that inner maverick. And I know that he'll relish breaking those rules and living out loud.

In what ways have you found yourself following the rules in order to break them? Please share your story in the comments!

Odd One Out is a Finalist in the Indie Excellence Awards!

We got news yesterday that my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, is a FINALIST in the 2008 Indie Excellence Book Awards!

I'm so excited about this. Although Odd One Out didn't actually win the category, being one of three finalists is one hell of an honor!!

In Other News...

Last weekend I attended the AD/HD Coaches Organization annual conference in St. Louis and had a great time connecting with fellow coaches. And I want to give a special shout out to Charlotte, who brought her Odd One Out book all the way from Denmark for me to sign! I wish I took a picture of us to share.

Unfortunately, I came home from the conference feeling under the weather. I blame it on the hotel which must have been loaded with dust and mold because it gave me awful asthma...and I haven't had asthma since I was a kid! If you're ever in St. Louis, don't stay at the Holiday Inn Oakland Park. Seriously.

As a result, I had to take a few days off to recuperate, and I ended up having to postpone the ADD Clutter Busters Workgroup! Fortunately, all the members were very kind and understanding, and the group will now begin on May 13.

And lastly, Erin and I are in for a wild ride this weekend as we're watching my cousin's kids for the night. Michael and Alex are 6 and 5, extremely cute, and incredibly hyper. We have a full day planned tomorrow, and I'm sure it will be both fun and taxing. Let's see if Erin still wants kids when it's all over!

Have a great weekend!

When a Small Challenge Becomes a Big ADD Obsession

Like many adults with ADD, I can get a little obsessed with a challenge. When I set my mind on solving a problem, I don't want to stop until the solution is at hand. And I have found myself in the middle of one such obsession: wasp control.

When I lived in NYC, I had a similar obsession with preventing roaches. (No matter what anyone tells you, if you live in NYC, you have to deal with roaches from time to time.) Kali over at Out Of Focus has a fantastically funny post on her experience with the little f*ckers, and it's not far off from my own experiences with them.

Thankfully, I no longer have to deal with roaches out here in the country. No, we have a whole new set of bug problems, including scary centipedes, cockroach-wanna-be assassin bugs, and swarming wasps. Okay, they're not swarming, but they might as well be.

They are somehow finding a way into the house and congregating on our big bow window, which is 16 feet high up and completely unreachable without the help of a handyman. I've spent hours trying to find their entry point to no avail.

But what's even more bothersome to me is their search for a place to build a nest on our deck. We practically live on the deck when it's warm out. We cook, eat, entertain, read, and just hang out on the deck all the time. And the dogs spend even more time out there than we do. Punky is smart enough to avoid wasps and other bugs. Rascal, super cute but dumb as rocks, sees them as a challenge: how long can I torture this flying thing before I kill it? Fine for flies, dangerous when it comes to wasps.

So I set my sights on killing the wasps myself. Not with a toxic bug spray, mind you, as the chemicals are a last resort for me. (Plus, I'm scared they'll band together and attack me if I blatantly kill one of their gang members.) And store-bought traps didn't work last year, so I'm on my own. And for a week now, I've been trying to find ingenious ways to trap the bastards and watch them die.

The best I've come up with so far is putting sweet stuff, like honey or syrup, at the bottom of a bottle and waiting for them to fly in. I hear that once they get into a bottle with a neck, they won't be able to find their way out. I've seen no results so far, but I'm convinced this will work. The trick must be to find the right stuff to put at the bottom of the bottle.

So out on our deck right now, I have a few beer bottles strategically placed. One has honey. One has syrup. One has vinegar and honey. One just has water. I could watch these bottles for hours as the wasps circle around them and almost go in. It's like a game.

Erin came downstairs today as I was watching my new traps and sarcastically announced, "Great, nothing says 'classy neighbors' like a deck lined with beer bottles."

I don't care. I'm obsessed with this challenge and I'll stop at nothing to get rid of these wasps. If you have suggestions, I am all ears.

I think later I'll put a piece of cheese in a bottle and see if that works...

Power Failure

It takes about 30-60 minutes for me to feel awake after I get up in the morning, and during that time I like to just chill with my coffee and watch CNN. This morning I got up, poured my coffee, settled onto the couch, and attempted to turn the TV on just as the power went out.

Shit. Now what?

Let me stress that those first few minutes in my morning are absolute zombie time. The people closest to me know it's not worth attempting to converse with me right after I get because I'm just stupid before the coffee kicks in.

This is a brief tangent, but since we all have ADD, what the hell? I had a great roommate during my freshman year of college. Her name was Karen. I loved many things about her, but really hated one thing. When she got up in the morning, she was happy, perky, and ready to go. When we woke up with the same alarm, she'd yawn, stretch, and sweetly chirp "Good morning, Jennifer!"

I remember calling my mom and telling her, "Can you believe Karen says 'good morning' before she ever even gets out of bed?!?" To which my mother answered, "Yes, Jen, many people actually do that."

Anyway, I found myself sitting on the couch for 20 minutes this morning, drinking my coffee with a blank stare and waiting for the power to come back. I couldn't shower (no hot water) and I couldn't flip through the paper because we only get it on Sunday. I tried to reason with myself:

• I could take the dogs for a walk.
• I could clean off my desk.
• I could get the tax papers ready to mail.
• I could catch up on my reading.

But I didn't want to. Like most adults with ADD, I have to ease into my day. That means no pressure and no to-do's until I feel awake and alert. So I continued to sip coffee and watch a black screen until I felt ready to start my day.

At which time, of course, the power came back on.

Do you allow yourself some extra time to ease into the day?

Home Depot: The Outdoor ADDer's Best Friend

This past Saturday was beautiful. The weather was warm and the sun was bright. After taking the dogs for a walk, I knew it was the day to begin working on outdoor projects.

I began by washing the mold off the deck. When our house was built two years ago, we failed to apply a wood stain/sealer to the deck. We actually bought the stuff to get rid of the mold and seal the wood last year and never got around to it. At this point, it really needs to be done. So I started on that project on Saturday, only to discover I didn't have the right tools and would need to make a trip to Home Depot.

So I was forced to shift to a new project, cleaning up the debris in the yard. Some strong storms this Winter knocked a bunch of branches off trees and onto the yard. I gathered the sticks and branches in piles, only to find myself wishing I had both a wheel barrow (how have I gone two years now without one?) and a wood chipper. Suddenly the idea of making my own mulch with a wood chipper was ridiculously exciting. Another trip to Home Depot was in order. Although I will resist the desire to buy a wood chipper as it would be way too much money. Unless, of course, I could rent one!

My ADD brother once commented that he makes at least three trips to Home Depot during a typical weekend project, which he thought everyone did. "Unlike us," I told him, "non-ADDers plan ahead, read the directions, and get everything they need before they begin!"

It sounds so easy, but it so rarely happens. Long live Home Depot.

I Saw Right Through You, Spitzer

Okay, if you know me at all or read this blog even once in a while, then you can probably guess that I am a die hard Democrat. But that doesn't mean that I like, or trust, all Democrats. I knew a long time ago that, despite a glowing reputation and lots of good deeds as our New York State Attorney General, there was something a little off about Governor Eliot Spitzer.

So as we watched CNN report on the Spitzer sex scandal last night and a journalist conveyed that the entire newsroom was in shock as the details emerged, I looked over at Erin with a smirk on my face. "I know," she said. "You called it a long time ago."

I have a sort of sixth sense when it comes to reading people. I can often tell when people are sincere, and I can call bullshit faster than most. I am also pretty good at seeing ulterior motives, although I have been burnt for being too trusting in the past. For the most part, however, I'm usually right on target in my assessments.

One of my most impressive calls was Bruce Ritter, a Catholic priest and the founder of Covenant House for homeless teens. My mom was reading his book one day, aptly titled Sometimes God Has a Kid's Face. I took one look at the guy's picture on the back of the book and announced "Some thing is not right about this guy. He looks like a child abuser." My mother then informed me that he was saving kids from abuse, but I didn't buy it. I read parts of the book and my suspicions grew stronger. I was 11 or 12 at the time. And a year or two after that, the scandal broke. I wasn't surprised. (Man, I just made myself sound like one hell of a cynical child, didn't I?)

My mom, who is undiagnosed but most likely ADD, is pretty good at reading people, too. (Even though she clearly didn't pick up on Bruce Ritter.) And my ADD brother has a similar skill, although I think I'm quite a bit better!

I've also noticed that certain clients are really good at reading people, too. (And yet other clients complain that they can't read people to save their lives!) I've often wondered if this "sixth sense" is in some way related to ADD. Is it a heightened sense of intuition? Maybe strong levels of empathy  that allow us to tune into other people more than most? What do you think?

Do you have a knack for reading people? If so, do you think that your ADD helps this skill? Please share your thoughts!

Spring Fever

Here in New York, we're enjoying some warmer weather and--more importantly--sunlight!! I'm getting restless and eagerly anticipating hikes in the Shawangunk Mountains, CSA bounty, and barbecues on the deck.

In the past couple of weeks, I've been getting similar reports from my Northeast clients. As Spring inches closer, we all seem to have more energy and a desire to get out and do more.

I remember having a conversation with my doctor some time ago about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I told her that I thought I might have SAD because every Fall I start feeling homey and nesting. By Winter, when the light is minimal, I lose my energy, have a hard time getting motivated, and want to sleep more. Then, when the weather starts turning in March, I'm like a whole new person--re-energized and, well, just plain 'ol happy!

She told me that adults with ADD are super sensitive to the seasons and while she didn't think I warranted a SAD diagnosis, she wasn't surprised by what I was telling her. Most of her ADD patients had the same experience. So right about now, many of us are enjoying the longer days and increasingly warm weather.

And the news gets even better for those of us in Daylight Savings Time areas...we turn the clocks ahead THIS WEEKEND! We've been given a gift of extended DST this year, meaning that we'll soon be enjoying even more sunlight that lasts longer into the evening.

For that, I will gladly trade an hour of sleep on Sunday morning.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll just sleep an extra hour later! Life is good.

         

Anxiety and Recurring Dreams

Whenever my anxiety levels increase in waking life, my dreams become more stressful.

I have two recurring dream "themes." In one, I am about to graduate either high school or college, and I suddenly realize that I did not complete my math requirement. (Math was always my least favorite subject and the one I often struggled with.) I freak out in the dream, fearing that I won't graduate and hoping no one finds out about the problem. (In reality, I never in danger of not graduating.)

In the other recurring dream theme, I find myself going about my day-to-day life when I suddenly realize that I am missing a coaching appointment with a client. I freak out because I completely forgot my appointments and the client will be waiting for me. (In reality, I have accidentally missed only one appointment in five years.)

Erin's anxiety dreams are always about needing to leave somewhere and having no time to pack up all her things. College, childhood camp, or old home, she never has enough time to do everything she needs to and pack up all her stuff. (In reality, she's never been in a situation like this.)

It's probably safe to assume that my anxiety centers around the fear of forgetting important things, and Erin's anxiety is a fear of not getting things done.

While everyone is subject to periods of anxiety, it's not uncommon for adults to be diagnosed with anxiety and ADD as co-occuring conditions. And chances are that the more anxiety you experience in waking life, the more it shows up in your dreams!

Care to share on this topic?

Do you have recurring dream themes when you experience increased anxiety in day to day life? What happens in your dreams? What fear do you think the dreams represent?

Please leave your thoughts and experiences in the comments! I think this is a really interesting (and kinda fun) topic that may be helpful to talk about!

How To Divide the Household Labor in an ADD Marriage

Well it seems that this ADD/marriage discussion has really struck a cord with many of you!

A client emailed me today and mentioned that she and her partner also struggle with the division of household chores. She agrees that it's not good for her when her partner takes up the slack. However, she struggles to maintain progress on the chores and tasks she's responsible for, losing momentum after a couple of weeks.

Housework is a sore spot in many relationships, mine included. Believe me, Erin and I have many discussions (and fights) about this. But there are ways to minimize the conflict.

Here's what I suggest to all couples who need some help in this area:

1. Have a meeting to discuss what needs to be done, and how often. Be very specific about what each task entails. "Clean up the kitchen at night" isn't good enough. Figure out what needs to be done (dishes, counters, leftovers) in order for everyone to be happy with the finished job. Write it all down! Making a spreadsheet or chart is a good idea.
2. Determine the division of labor based on a few considerations.
   1. Who likes to do what? Or, at the very least, who doesn't mind doing what?
   2. Who is better at what? Who gets less frustrated with certain tasks?
   3. Who was the time? Sometimes one partner works more or spends more time out of the house, and you may want to account for this. Deciding on the best division of labor doesn't necessarily mean splitting it down the middle.
3. For the ADDer, and perhaps the other partner as well, determine when the tasks will be done.
4. Create a plan to deal with problems. If either person slacks off, what is the other person’s responsibility? To gently point it out? To talk about the problem? To negotiate taking over the  chores that aren't getting done in exchange for something else? Agree on the best course of action up front, so no one gets pissed off later.

If you'd like to read more on this topic, have a look at these posts on my blog and Erin's blog:

• What About Me? Wednesday: When Your Partner is Stressed
• Tough Love for Adults with ADD
• Adult ADD is an Explanation Not an Excuse
• Let Me Get That For You

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!