Experiencing ADDvantages

Delay Is Not Preferable to Error

Last week, I saw Thomas Jefferson's quote "Delay is preferable to error" running all around the Internet, and I had to cringe.

This "inspirational" quote is dangerous for adults with ADD, especially those who struggle with perfectionism. (And I haven't met a single adult with ADD who doesn't get stuck in perfectionist mode in at least one or two areas.) "Delay is preferable to error" could be adopted as a motto for perfectionists.

If you've ever coached with me, then you know that I can easily pick up on perfectionist tendencies, probably because I've struggled with them, myself, in the past (and still do in certain situations.) 

When I was going through my coach training, David Giwerc taught us, "Remember PPP!  Perfectionism Prevents Progress!" This really stuck with me, and I share it with clients often.

People mistakenly believe that perfectionists are, well...perfect. That their houses and offices are clean and sparkling, that everything is in its place, and that every project is right on schedule.

In reality, perfectionists often feel like failures. The mark of perfectionism is that nothing ever gets completed! There's always one more thing that could be made better. Nothing is good enough to be considered "done." And when all that unfinished business piles up, a perfectionist feels guilt and shame.

Three examples come to mind when I think about how adults with ADD can get stuck in thinking that delay is preferable to error:

1. Mindy, a former client and a grad student at an Ivy League University, failed a number of assignments because she didn't turn them in on time. They weren't incomplete, just not perfect. The thought of getting a B for a good job was not good enough. She preferred to get an F for a perfect, late paper than a B for an on time, imperfect paper. Her professors--and the university--disagreed. (I've found that many students--college age and adult--struggle with this form of perfectionism.)

2. Pete, also a former client, was frustrated by the outdated software programs in his office, so he created a software program that could be customized for sales people not just in his company, but in his entire industry. He delayed seeking out investors because he was constantly finding things to improve in his software program; it never felt finished. After tweaking the software for almost 2 years, someone else beat him to it with a similar program and made a small fortune.   

3. As I've been learning how to play guitar, I've been getting caught up in the idea that I need to learn how to do something exactly right before I learn how to do it quickly. Brett, my guitar teacher, has been trying to drill into my head the idea that timing is more important in music. If you get the timing right and miss a few notes, the vast majority of people won't even notice. But if you get the timing wrong, listeners will know it. Think about it: when's the last time you went to a concert and witnessed a musician say, "Wait, hold up, that wasn't right! Let me do it again."?? 

So if you happen to see Thomas Jefferson's "Delay is preferable to error" quote floating around the Internet, do yourself a favor and ignore it. No one's perfect.

ADD at the Movies

Whenever we get a little bored or need to occupy our time, Erin suggests going to the movies. I almost always shoot down that idea. And it wasn't until very recently that I realized why I have an aversion to "going to the movies." It all has to do with my ADD.

I like movies as much as anyone else. But there is something about the movie theater experience that makes me hesitate to go. Just think about the many ways that the movies are not ADD-friendly:

• You have to be on time. In fact, you have to be early if you don't want to get stuck sitting in the front row and craning your neck the whole time.
• You have to sit still - and be quiet - for at least an hour and a half.
• The concession stand is an impulsivity accident waiting to happen.
• If you get bored, you can't multitask and, say, go through the mail to help ease your boredom.
• The distractions are endless and constantly threaten to ruin your whole experience. I'm thinking about that guy next to you who thinks the arm rest is his. Or that one woman who laughs so loud you miss more dialogue than you catch. Or that kid behind you who absentmindedly kicks the back of your seat the whole time.

If you're like me then, sometimes, going to the movies just isn't worth it!

However, if there's a flick you're just dying to see, don't fret. There are a few things you can do to make sure you have a good time:

1. Find a really comfortable theater and make it your own. Having to sit in the same position for a while isn't that bad when you're comfortable.
2. Avoid movies at peak times. The theaters get crowded quickly on Friday and Saturday nights. You run the risk of getting stuck in the front row, and the bigger the crowd, the more likely you are to get stuck with those annoying and distracting people.
3. Break the rules and bring a snack. I know you're not technically supposed to bring outside food into the movie theater, but I say screw it! I like to make a pit stop on the way to the movies to pick up a tootsie pop or two. They last a long time, and I'm so much less likely to be drawn in by the concession stand when I know I have a little something in my bag.

Do you find that it challenging to go to the movies and have a good time? What do you do to manage your ADD--or your environment--when you want to enjoy a movie? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Are You Sure You Have ADD?

"Are you sure you have ADD?"

I've been asked this question three times in the last 2 weeks. One time, it was followed by the statement, "You always seem so perfect."

I nearly choked on my coffee when I heard this from a colleague. At that moment, I was going through a very stressful period and I was far from having it all together.

I started to think about the significance of being asked "Are you sure you have ADD?" no less than three times during a period when I was actually very stressed out, and feeling more ADD than usual.

I wondered why people might think that I don't have ADD. Here's what I came up with:

Reason #1: While I am F A R from perfect, I suppose I am pretty good at keeping my stress to myself.

Erin and the dogs know how stressed I've been in the last couple of weeks because they live with me. (In fact, Erin is probably snickering right now as she reads about the idea that I might not have ADD.) A few of my friends know I've been stressed because I've emailed them to apologize for not returning their phone calls. But aside from that, I don't really broadcast my problems or challenges.

If you've read my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, then you know that BMWs are a pet peeve of mine. BMWs are people who constantly bitch, moan, and whine. They are negative, unhappy people who tend to bring others down. People like this kinda drive me crazy, so I don't want to be one! I do bitch and moan occasionally, but I try not to make a habit of it.

Reason #2: It's my job to have it together for my clients.

Hopefully, my clients can't tell the difference between my good days and my bad days. Why should they? I don't think anyone would pay me--or want to pay me--to be in a bad mood or to talk about my own problems. I save those for the people that I pay, or for the people who have no choice but to deal with me.

While I do sometimes share challenges on my blog and in my newsletter, I try to focus on solutions, not problems. This is what I try to do in my own life, as well, which is what makes me a good coach!

Reason #3: Unfortunately, most people subscribe to the disorder model of AD/HD. I don't.

I don't believe that having ADD condemns me to a life of difficulty.

I believe that differences are what make the world go 'round. I'll always have challenges with time management, organization, and boredom. But I'll also always be creative, strategic, compassionate, perceptive, and intuitive. And given the choice, I wouldn't trade any of it.

I always tell my clients, while you're wishing that you were more organized, someone else is wishing they were more creative. Neither trait is good nor bad. Society needs people who are organized, and people who are creative.

Left unmanaged, ADD certainly can turn into a disorder. But we can't assume that everyone who is different or "disordered" is damaged.

And when ADD is managed properly, it is an incredible asset in life.

So, all this being said, I took away something else from the "Are you sure you have ADD?" question. Perhaps it's okay to share more of my flaws and challenges. I certainly discussed them at length in my book, but people seem to appreciate the reminder. It helps to know that you're not alone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go deal with that burning smell. Did I leave something on the stove again?

ADD Moments: Smelling the "Roses"

A few days ago, I went to Home Depot and bought garden soil, manure and mulch. I'm dabbling in vegetable gardening this summer and I got everything I needed to build a raised bed.

On the way back from the store, I wasn't feeling well, and I decided that I'd build the bed the following day. But then it rained and I couldn't work outside. So I figured I would prepare my raised bed this weekend. No biggie.

Then I forgot all about the stuff in my trunk.

For the next couple of days, for whatever reason, we took Erin's car whenever we drove somewhere. The fact that I had actual bags of shit in my trunk didn't even cross my mind...until today.

Today I have an appointment that requires a 2-hour drive, and my car smells like shit. Literally.

It's only 52 degrees in NY today, but I'll be making my 2-hour drive with the windows rolled down.

Adults with ADD: Doing Projects the Hard Way

You want to get your (actual) butt in shape? Try loading a wheelbarrow with 100 lbs and then pushing it up a steep hill. Then do it a few more times, and repeat the following day.

This is what I did over the weekend, as I tried to create a planting bed around my house. It turns out that I am an absolute expert when it comes to gardening the hard way.

The last time I worked on the landscape, I planted a few shrubs and thought that I could easily dig up the ground. WRONG. Digging up our compacted, rocky soil turned out to be a lot of hard work. I remember my arms and shoulders being sore for days afterward. I vowed to do it "the easy way" next time.

So when I read an article about making a "lazy bed," I was on board. The technique involves laying down newspaper and then covering it with soil, compost, and mulch. Then you wait a few months while the newspaper decomposes and the compost loosens up the ground below. By the end of the season, your bed is ready for planting. Sounds easy, right? Once again, WRONG.

Perhaps I should have considered:

• Trying this technique with a smaller bed
• The constant wind we get because we live on a big hill (keeping the newspapers from blowing away before I could cover them was harder than I thought)
• The hours and hours and hours that would be involved from start to finish
• Ten or so wheelbarrow trips would--literally--bust my butt! (I was so sore!!)

I did, eventually, complete my project. But it certainly wasn't the easy route.

As a fellow ADDer, you're probably all too familiar with situations like mine. You get a great idea, dive in, and then find that your idea will require more time, energy, and resources than you thought it would.

The options you're left with are 1) quit 2) burn yourself out to finish or 3) make a plan to finish over time. (The third option is often the hardest for adults with ADD.) And no matter which option you choose, the most important thing you can do is to learn from your mistakes.

It's tempting to get down on yourself after experiences like these. Despite your best intentions and careful planning, "the easy way" can turn out to be very difficult. And while this may feel like failure, it's really just a learning experience.

It doesn't matter how hard your project turns out to be. It doesn't matter how many ways you miscalculated your plans. If you're open to learning, then you can't fail.

Each mistake you make brings you one step closer to a solution. Sometimes, you have to make a lot of mistakes to get to where you want to go. But if you're willing to learn from your mistakes, then you'll always be moving forward.

So the next time your "easy" project turns out to be harder than you thought, DON'T beat yourself up about it. Just take a trial-and-error approach. I guarantee you'll be much more successful!

As for me and my landscaping projects, I now know that digging doesn't work, and lazy beds are anything but lazy. I think it's time to rent a rototiller.

What projects have you been doing the hard way?
Share your thoughts in the comments field!

Want to Make a Change? Create a Personal Theme for 2009

In the last issue of the ADD Management Guide, I encouraged everyone to avoid making New Year's Resolutions. Generally, people commit to their new behavior for 17 days before completely giving up. A knock in self-esteem always follows. So why bother?

Instead, I suggested an exercise in reflection to increase awareness of your challenges and successes in the previous year, and to identify some positive intentions for 2009. Now it's time to take that notion a step further.

What if, instead of locking yourself into a rigid set of rules, you resolved to focus on a specific area that's important to you? I'm talking about creating a theme for the New Year.

When you have a theme in mind for yourself, you can continually focus on making improvements in one area all year long. There are no rules and no dents in self-esteem, just a general commitment to remain focused on making improvements in a specific area of your life.

To aid you in this endeavor, you can create a question that you use to check in with yourself on a regular basis.

Here are some examples:

Theme: The Year of the Authentic Self
Goal: To focus on being yourself with no anxiety or apologies, to express yourself fully and develop better self-esteem.
Question: Will this statement/action reveal my authentic self?

Theme: The Year of Better Health
Goal: To focus on making choices that will improve general health and well being.
Question: Will this action lead to better health?

Theme: The Year of Diminished Debt
Goal: To focus on eliminating debt.
Question: Will this action/purchase decrease my debt?

In all these examples, asking yourself a very simple 'yes or no' question will help you build awareness and make good decisions based on what you want to be doing.

My theme for 2009 is "The Year of Speaking the Truth." This is actually an exercise in boundaries for me. It's about being unapologetic for the choices that I make. It's also about being honest with myself about how I feel. The question I'll be asking myself is "Am I honoring/speaking my truth?"

In the past few years, I've found that creating a theme for my year is much more effective than simply making resolutions. It requires more mental attention, but it produces much greater (and more fulfilling) results in the long haul.

And I've seen too many clients, colleagues, and friends damage their self-esteem by setting themselves up with unrealistic resolutions that they just couldn't follow through on. So if you don't want to be one of them this year, then consider implementing a personal theme for 2009.

Got a theme for the New Year? Please share it with us in the comments! And feel free to share any other thoughts you have on this topic, too.

A Personal Note to Readers

I hope the New Year is treating everyone well. I know it's been quite some time since I've blogged, and I wanted to let everyone know that "I'm back."

Without going into details, we had a family emergency the day before Thanksgiving and a very rough holiday season followed. We decided to close down the business for the month of December in order to take care of ourselves.

I wouldn't be a very good ADD coach if I didn't walk my talk. I strongly encourage my clients to practice excellent self-care, and closing the ADD Management Group for a month was what Erin and I needed to do to take care of ourselves. Fortunately, my clients understood this. In fact, many clients mentioned that they really admired the self-care example that I set. I'm privileged to have such wonderful clients who really "get it."

I may post more about what happened to us at a later date. For now, I'm just easing back into life and work. The blog posts, tweets, and newsletters may be less frequent for a while, but I'm sure you all understand, and I appreciate your patience.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. :)

 

An Uncensored Account of My Experience with SSRI Withdrawal

I've been oddly silent for over a week recently, and I know a lot of people are wondering what happened to me. Clients even told me they were worried about me, because I never cancel appointments, but I canceled just about all of them last week.

Well, the truth is that I spent the last week withdrawing from drugs. The legal kind.

A few years ago (and I honestly can't remember how many - 4, 5, 6?) I began taking a small dose of Lexapro to help with severe PMS. I took just 5 mg, half a pill, 10 days before my period. The first month, I didn't notice a difference. Erin did, however. She sat me down and told me "Honey, I want you to take this pill every day."

In just a few months, I was taking it every day. It helped tremendously with the feeling of underlying anxiety that I had dealt with for as long as I could remember and didn't realize was a problem for most of my life. For the first time I was realizing that this low-level anxiety was doing a lot of damage. It was hard to be happy when I was always nervously anticipating what would go wrong next.

All these decisions were made, of course, under the guidance of a psychiatrist, and I've talked a little about this experience in my book. And over the years I've noticed that most of my clients are on both an SSRI (such as Lexapro, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft) and a psychostimulant (such as Concerta, Ritalin, Adderall), just like me. Depression and anxiety are the two most common coexisting conditions for people with AD/HD, and many of us find ourselves needing a little quality of life boost.

So fast forward to 2008. I've made a lot of changes in my life. I've made physical changes that help keep my brain balanced, like eating more nutritiously and getting better sleep. And I exercise moderately, although I probably got more exercise when I lived in the city. I've also made practical changes in my life by learning and applying the skills I need to manage anxiety.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and told her that I thought it was time to go off the Lexapro. "I can't explain it," I told her. "But I just have this weird, intuition-like feeling that it's time to go off the Lexapro." She had a wise response, I thought, which was to go off the medication and then, if I felt anxious again and I needed to go back on it, at least I'd know why. I wouldn't feel like I was popping pills for no reason.

So we set up a schedule for me to begin weening off the Lexapro. Seven and a half mgs for 2 weeks, then 5 mgs for two weeks, then 2.5 mgs for 2 weeks, then done. It would take a while, but it would hopefully be easier than going "cold turkey." And my doctor warned me that the withdrawal would be bad. "So bad," she said, "that you'll feel way worse than you did before you went on the medication. Don't confuse the withdrawal with anxiety or depression symptoms."

I had no idea just how bad the withdrawal would be.

I had some mood swings and fatigue each time I went down a notch on the meds. Going down from 7.5 mgs to 5 mgs was a little harder, and I decided that I wanted this process to be done already, and that I would go from 5mg to 0. (And, please be sure to note, this is something I discussed with my doctor.)

I planned it perfectly, or so I thought. I stopped taking the meds on a Wednesday night, with no appointments that Thursday or Friday, and I figured that I would pretty much experience most of the withdrawal symptoms over the weekend. I might need to sleep a little late on Monday and Tuesday, which would be no problem because my client appointments started later in the day. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong.

For a few days after dropping the Lexapro completely, I just had mood swings. I oscillated between being giddy, weepy, and angry. I was tired. But it wasn't that bad. On Sunday, we took our usual hike in the mountains, and I felt like walking in the sunshine and brisk air for a couple of hours was exactly what I needed. By Monday, I was in a completely different place.

For four days, Monday through Thursday, I was in the throws of SSRI withdrawal. It was awful. Here are just a few of the symptoms I experienced:

• Extreme mood swings, which included raging anger. I looked for things to throw on more than one occasion. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't actually throw them.
• Awful sadness. I cried at everything. I cried when I saw 10 seconds of upcoming scenes for the Chef Jeff Project. A troubled kid was hugging Chef Jeff, and I lost it.
• Extreme fatigue, and extreme insomnia. I was so tired, and often couldn't sleep.
• I felt flu-y. Stuffy head, sore throat, headaches, muscle pain. I would start off strong, and go downhill quickly in the day. You wouldn't think that withdrawal from a psychiatric medication would cause flu-like symptoms, but it's actually really common.
• General fogginess. I was on slow speed. It took me a lot longer to process what I was hearing, and to put my own thoughts into words. On one or two occasions, I told Erin the same thing twice, as in repeated the sentence right away without even realizing it.
• Really intense, anxiety-filled dreams. Tons of them, including the one about some guy trying to have sex with my mother at a county fair. (Yes, you read that right.) When I told my mom about it, she quickly responded, "That's not a dream, it's a nightmare!"
• Cravings. I mostly wanted salty meat and a lot of Asian food. I had a craving for a dish that I used to get at a Vietnamese restaurant in the city...that I haven't had in over 3 years! Also, orange juice. I don't really drink juice, so that was a bit weird, too.
• Skin sensitivity. One night the sheets would feel super comfy, and the next night those same sheets made me itch beyond belief.

Probably the most notable symptom, especially to those around me, was the anger I felt. It was so bad. Everything pissed me off...and I mean pissed me off. I knew the anger was coming when my poor little babies (my dogs) would start shaking. It was like they felt it coming on before I did. And just to be clear, I did not hit or abuse them at all. If you have dogs, then you know that they are very sensitive to the moods of the people around them.

I used to watch Celebrity Rehab and think the people on there who got pissed off so often were just fucked up. Now I understand that the drug withdrawal makes them fucked up. So fucked up that minor trespasses become major, anger-filled events. I can now relate, because even though I didn't withdraw from heavy drugs, I was that fucked up.

It strikes me as I write this post that I can't quite put into words just how badly those 4 days were last week. It was more than not just feeling like myself. It was painful, both physically and emotionally. And even though I knew that the feelings would pass, I couldn't help wondering if it was worth it. The Lexapro really helped me for years, and I'm thankful for that. But I might have thought twice if I knew that this withdrawal period would be a part of the process.

I've been feeling better for a few days now, and I actually feel pretty good today. Well, that might be an overstatement. I feel good compared to how I had been feeling. But I'm confident that I won't have to cancel any coaching appointments this week. Catching up on email is another story...

I wrote this post for a few reasons:

1. I wanted to explain to everyone why I "flaked" for over a week. I especially wanted to explain to my clients who aren't used to this kind of behavior from me.
2. I wanted to document my experience, and process it for myself.
3. I wanted to offer an open account of my experience to those who might benefit from it. Even though I knew that I would experience a withdrawal period, I wasn't quite prepared for the severity. I spent a good deal of time online this week trying to make sure I wasn't crazy.

I'm leaving the comments open on this post (for now, anyway) but my assistant and I are going to be really diligent about deleting inappropriate comments. If you want to tell me that drugs are evil, don't bother. If you want me to look into Scientology or you represent an "alternative" product, don't bother. In fact, if you want to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, don't bother. Even if you're trying to be helpful. Fortunately, I have a good doctor, a supportive partner, and two loving dogs who haven't had the shakes for 5 days. I have everything I need.

If, on the other hand, you want to offer a kind word or share your own experience, then please do.

And if you've stumbled upon this post and are looking for more information on the subject, then here are a few resources that might be helpful:

• SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome (Wikipedia)
• SSRI/SNRI Withdrawl Syndrome (Depression Central)
• The best resource = your doctor.

Thanks to everyone who patiently awaited my arrival back to society. I'll be reporting more on this subject and my experience in the coming weeks.

My Most Memorable Halloween

When I was 22 I moved into my first apartment in Queens. I was in the apartment for about 2 months when Halloween came around. I was excited! It would be my first Halloween experience living in my own place. I decorated inside and out, and bought lots of candy. My building was very big and there were a lot of cute kids. I couldn't wait to see them all dressed up!

I bought a lot of candy. The good kinds, too. No Neco Wafers or Sugar Daddies. No way! I actually used a clear plastic baggie and ribbon to bundle together a Snickers bars, Starbursts, and 2 Tootsie Pops for each of the kids in the building. I knew that a couple of them already thought that I was a cool--being a young chick living on my own--and so I wanted to be sure to live up to their expectations and impress them with good candy.

When Halloween night finally came, I dressed up Punky in her own little costume, and prepared for the kids. The first group to ring my bell consisted of 3 little kids, and their big brother. One of these kids, Jamal, was my favorite. He was so cute it drove me crazy. He would talk to me in the elevator, tell me about his day at preschool, and ask me questions about my dog. It always took a lot for me to not grab that kid and hug and kiss him. I knew he'd be really happy with the candy bundle I put together especially him and the other building kids.

I answered the door and went through the customary spiel of "Oh, your costume is so scary!" and "Wow, I didn't even recognize you!" before reaching into the "special" candy bowl containing the bundles for the building kids.

I slowly lifted each bundle--making sure the kids saw right then and there just how cool I was giving them all this great candy--before placing one in each kid's empty pillow case. I was their first door! I smiled to myself. I was setting a precident this Halloween. They certainly wouldn't get any better treats after me!

When I finished distributing the candy, Jamal couldn't take his eyes off that little bag of candy sitting in his empty pillow case. He stood there with his mouth open, staring at the bundle of candy. I smiled to myself with pride.

Finally, Jamal looked up. "That's all you're gonna give me?"

"Sorry," his older brother said. "It's his first time."

Mavericks Break the Rules

Before my book was published last year, I brainstormed titles and subtitles with my Mastermind Group of coaches. The title Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD was born out of that meeting.

A week later, I came up with the subtitle: How to Be Happy and Successful by Breaking the Rules. I loved it! It was a fantastic summary of my personal coaching philosophy. I sent it around to some close friends and colleagues and asked for feedback.

A few people liked it a lot, but a couple of people emailed me with the same concern: they suggested I use the subtitle "How to Be Happy and Successful by Making Your Own Rules," instead of "...by Breaking the Rules." Breaking the rules seemed a little too strong, they said. And really it means the same thing in the end, doesn't it?

I thanked everyone for their feedback, and chose not to change the subtitle. Here's why: Mavericks aren't content to just make new rules. Mavericks don't even like rules. And we tend to not like the people who make the rules much, either.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging anyone to indulge in a crime spree. What I am suggesting, however, is that there are a number of social rules and constraints that many ADDers struggle to adhere to.

Think about all the rules that you feel pressured to follow, like:

• You must put money before happiness when it comes to your job or career
• You must sit perfectly still in a meeting or classroom so as not to disrupt others
• You must go to bed and wake up at a "reasonable" hour
• You must super-clean your house for guests
• You must put everything away in a neat and tidy place if you want to be organized
• You must put the needs of your family and friends before your needs
• You must be productive throughout the entire day
• And worst of all - you must do everything in your power to hide your ADD from everyone around you

I call BS on all these rules, and the others like them!

Maverick ADDers actually function better with guidelines instead of rules. When we create structure for ourselves, it needs to flexible, not rigid.

The maverick approach to ADD management requires that you take a good, hard look at the rules you're pressuring yourself to follow, and decide which ones need to be broken.

When you embrace the maverick within and make a conscious decision to break the rules that have been holding you back, you give yourself permission to be happy and successful according to your own guidelines. You move beyond your challenges, and into your authentic self.

In this regard, the maverick approach to ADD management is easier than you might think. Following the rules can be painful... but breaking them can be fun.

What rules are you ready to break? Tell us! Please share your thoughts in the comments field.