Experiencing ADDvantages

Adults with ADD: Follow the Rules to Break Them

So this past weekend Erin and I played house when we took my 6 & 5 year old cousins, Michael and Alex, for a night. These kids are insanely cute, but they're a handful. Erin quickly deciphered Michael's MO: if no one's looking, the rules don't apply.

At 6 years old, Michael has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He's got many ADHD traits, from hyperactivity to severe boredom after 60 seconds of inactivity. And keeping up with him is a challenge.

It also forced me to think about the concept of "the rules" in a new way.

In my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, I talk about how to be happy and successful by breaking the rules. And as I observed Michael jumping on the bed the very minute I turned my back, I started to wonder if I was a hypocrite. I encourage being a maverick and breaking the rules, and yet I lectured this kid on "the rules" more times than I care to remember.

After some long, hard thought and meditation, I came to this conclusion: sometimes, you have to follow the rules in order to break them.

I coach clients on this all the time, actually. Many situations in our lives are a means to an end. Sometimes we have to play the game in order to get through to the other side and change the game. Take, for example:

• The client who struggles to follow a specific format for her dissertation. The dissertation is one of the things she needs to get her Ph.D. And once she has that Ph.D., she can call the shots about what she studies and how she presents it.
  
• The client who has to painstakingly document every sketch, conversation, and thought he's ever had about his invention in order to protect it. He's breaking the rules and creating a number of cool inventions, and yet there are very specific--and unbelievably detailed--legal guidelines he has to follow in order to get there.
• The client who has been told that she's next in line for her boss's job, yet continually gets disciplined for being late. She single-handedly landed the two biggest clients her company has ever seen, but being 10 minutes late in the morning often gets more attention. She has to stay in her boss's good graces to ensure that she makes it long enough to get that promotion and be the one in charge.

And, of course, there's 6 year old Michael, who has to follow the rules until he's old enough to break them. He has to stay safe, go to school, and learn what he's good at. Then, when he's old enough, he'll be in a better position to embrace that inner maverick. And I know that he'll relish breaking those rules and living out loud.

In what ways have you found yourself following the rules in order to break them? Please share your story in the comments!

Sound Advice for Achieving Goals

Today's the big day - the Pennsylvania Primaries! I'm already excited and you can bet that I'll be glued to the television tonight.

While we wait for the results, I thought I'd share some words of wisdom that I received in an email last week from none other than Bill Clinton. (More likely someone in Hillary's campaign pretending to be Bill, but whatever.)

I'm going to give you the same advice I give to Hillary: block out the distractions -- the skeptics, the media coverage, the beltway chatter -- and keep your eyes on the prize.

With the news media constantly poring over the minutiae of the campaign, I make sure Hillary never forgets to stay focused on what matters: telling every last American about her vision, her experience, and her commitment to bringing real change to people's lives.
[bolds are my emphasis]

Sound advice, no matter what your goal.

Adults with ADD: Are You Playing the When-Then Game?

Let me tell you about a little something I call "The When-Then Game." It's a trap that way too many adults with ADD get caught in.

The When-Then Game looks like this:

When I get my house spic-n-span, then I'll invite friends over.

When I get in to work on time every day for a month, then I'll ask for that raise.

When I lose 20 pounds, then I'll buy new clothes.

When I get rid of all that clutter in my garage, then I'll take that dancing class.

While playing the When-Then Game, you convince yourself that you can't do one thing until you do something else. Or, you refuse to let yourself have fun simply because there are projects you haven't completed.

The When-Then Game can severely damage your self-esteem, because your focus is predominantly on what isn't getting done. It makes you feel bad about yourself!

It's very easy to get wrapped up in all the things you think you should be doing, instead of moving forward. But the When-Then Game keeps you stuck in a state of perpetual overwhelm. Life isn't enjoyable; it's merely a to-do list.

Rather than succumbing to the When-Then Game, imagine that you:

Invited guests over, even though your house wasn't perfect. You'd probably be surprised that your guests didn't judge you, and you actually had a good time. Their houses aren't perfect, either, you know!

Asked for that raise, even though you have flaws. You might be surprised to find that your strengths outweigh your weaknesses in the eyes of your boss.

Bought a new outfit, even though you'd still like to lose some weight. Most likely, the new clothes would allow you to feel better about yourself, which in turn would help you take better care of yourself!

Took that class even though the garage is still cluttered. You might enjoy yourself so much that you found yourself more motivated to clean up the cluttered garage. Or not. Who cares? Why let something as little as a cluttered garage keep you from having fun??

Please all adults with ADD, stop playing the When-Then Game! You're the only one holding yourself back, and you deserve better.

Live out loud!

Wanna read more about "Living Out Loud"? It's the subject of Chapter 5 in my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD.

And hey, don't forget, there's a BIG announcement coming this month! And it's something that everyone in the world of ADD will want to know about! If you want to be one of the first to find out, subscribe to this blog!

How To Overcome Any ADD-related Setback

It doesn't matter if you were diagnosed with ADD years ago or just recently. When you've lived a life with adult ADD, you've no doubt encountered many setbacks.

The "wiring" of adult ADD makes it difficult to become and stay organized, concentrate when necessary, and manage time and projects effectively,  among other things. You've probably tried to improve upon at least one of these areas many times in your life with little or no success.

Standard advice and strategies for things like organization and time management don't always work for adults with ADD. "Help" that comes from someone or something (like a book) that doesn't take your ADD into account can be worse than no help at all because, if you are unable to make the advice work for you, it feels like failure. It feels like there is something wrong with you. It's yet another setback after trying really hard to make good advice work.

And even when you do find good help from an ADD coach, therapist, or resource, change and improvement don't always come as quickly as you'd like. It takes time to overcome years of working against your ADD. Learning new patterns and strategies is a process. Feeling like you're finally on track doesn't mean that you won't experience setbacks. You will. Everyone does. It doesn't mean that you've failed. 

The real challenge is not learning the new, ADD-friendly patterns and strategies, because that can be done. The real challenge is moving beyond the inevitable setbacks.

Setbacks have a tendency to lower your self-esteem. And low self-esteem can rob you of the motivation you need to make improvements and stay on track.

The best way I know to overcome a setback--in any area--is to build success in another area. Here are some examples:

If you experience a setback in your organizing goals, then you might choose to work on maintaining an exercise routine.

If you experience a setback in time management, then you might choose to work on strengthening a friendship.

If you experience a setback in getting 7 or 8 solid hours of sleep each night, then you might choose to focus on making healthy meal choices.

It really doesn't matter which area you choose to build success in, as long as you choose something that you know you can make progress in. Success in any area will pump up your self-esteem. Then, when you feel good about your success and accomplishments again, you'll have the necessary energy and motivation to pick up where you left off when you experienced that setback.

Setbacks don't have to lead to failure. Setbacks can be temporary. You can overcome any ADD-related setback by building your self-esteem.

What are your thoughts on setbacks and self-esteem? I'd love to hear them!

Why Managing Adult ADD Is Like Singing Rock Music

I've been talking a lot about personal themes lately, and the idea of adopting a theme for 2008 instead of making New Year's Resolutions.

For me, this year is about putting myself out there in a really big way. In my personal life, that means stepping up my music game. I'm a singer, and rock-style music is my passion. This is the year that I am finally jumping into working with other musicians, forming a band, writing some original material and--who knows--maybe even playing out!

As I've been working to take my abilities to the next level, I've realized that there are a number of similarities between managing adult ADD and singing rock music. You don't need to be a rock singer to appreciate the similarities.

Whatever it is that really sparks your passion in life, you can find parallels between that passion and managing your ADD. Take my example of singing rock music, and consider this:

You Gotta Practice. Even the most skilled and talented rock singers--the Robert Plants and Ann Wilsons of the world--have to keep their voices well tuned by using them on a regular basis. Without practice, a singer's skills and raw talent won't disappear, but will be a lot harder to access when needed.

Similarly, even the most successful adults with ADD have to practice their ADD management skills. Time management, organization and focus, for example, are learned skills that become rusty when you don't use them on a regular basis.

It's All About Breathing. Your breath supports your voice when you're singing. If you're not breathing regularly and deeply, your body becomes tense. And tense muscles quickly prevent a singer from performing well and sounding good.

When you're managing your ADD, tension is one of your worst enemies. A stressed mind produces a stressed body and vice versa. That stress quickly leads to ADD overwhelm, and it's nearly impossible to manage ADD in the state of overwhelm. One of the best ways to keep stress and tension at bay is to make a point of breathing deeply and regularly.

You Gotta Believe In Yourself. Singing is a performance art. If you're going to be a successful singer, you have to get over your nervousness and just go for it. (This is the stage I'm in right now!) If you believe you can do it, then you will find a way. If you believe you can't do it, then you won't do it.

You also have to believe that you can manage your ADD and take your life to the next level. If you tell yourself that you'll never be organized, then you won't be. If you give up on yourself easily, you'll never allow yourself the opportunity to be successful. When you're ready to tackle a challenge or learn a new skill, the first step is believing that you can do it.

Combining Skill With Personal Style Leads To Success. One of the things I love about rock music is that the emphasis is placed more on emotion than on skill. A rock singer definitely needs to learn about their voice and how to use it properly, but there is a lot of room for personal style. In fact, that personal style is what often draws a person to a particular singer.

This is exactly the way I describe effective ADD management. There are some base level skills and systems to be learned, and the rest is all about personal style. (These are the skills that I discuss in Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD.) When you learn to manage your ADD, WHAT works for you is not nearly as important as the fact that it DOES work.

The great thing about drawing these comparisons between two seemingly different subjects is that it allows you the opportunity to simplify the challenges you experience and ground them in something that really excites you. You can continually remind yourself, "Oh yeah, managing my time is just like singing. If I'm stressed out and nervous then I'm not going to do it well! I need to be calm, breathe, and believe that I can handle this to-do list."

I encourage you to take a stab at this exercise and see if you can draw some helpful comparisons between managing your ADD and something else that you're really interested in. Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Living Out Loud: 2007 Was a Great Year

2007 has been a phenomenal year for me as I accomplished a number of goals that I've been working towards for quite some time.

1. The ADD Management Group grew substantially this year with the addition of Associate Coach Sharon Howell, and Erin's joining us full time.

Erin and I worked very hard to get to a place where she could quit her corporate job and join the business. And while it has been a stretch financially, the personal freedom and professional rewards that come along with being in business together is worth more than those fat corporate paychecks ever were.

2. Somewhere in between business and personal success, I was thrilled to have my book Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD published this year.

Writing a book has been a goal of mine since I was very young, and I am still getting a kick out of going onto Amazon.com to see the sales ranking for the book. (It's been in the top 100 in its category for over a month now!) Plus, the feedback that I've been receiving about the book has been absolutely fantastic. Writing Odd One Out was quite possibly the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

3. And, last but not least, I took a huge leap in my personal life this year by joining a band.

As a kid, I used to dream of being a rock star. When I was little I thought I could sing. As I got older, I thought I sucked! But I took a risk about 5 years ago and started voice lessons.

Finally, this year, it was time to stop dragging my feet and take this musical passion of mine to the next step! I placed an ad looking for other musicians and got a response from a band.

I took a leap and, although I'd love to tell you that I now have my very own band, it didn't work out. But I learned from the experience and will keep moving on. Funny, this step seemed unbelievably scary--until I actually took it.

I don't know what's in store for me in 2008, but I do know this: I'll be open to the opportunities that come my way. I'll be living out loud every chance I get. And I'll be focusing on my strengths and moving forward. It's the best way I know to live happily and successfully as an adult with ADD.

My Coaching Advice for 2008

Before you start thinking about your "New Year's Resolutions,"  take a moment to reflect on the year that has passed.

• What goals did  you accomplish?
• What did you learn about yourself?
• What made you really  happy?

If you want to make real changes in this coming year, then start by building on strengths and successes.

I'd love to hear about your successes in 2007! Please post them in the comments field.

Happy New Year!

The Sound of Music

Erin and I met online. Yes, we're a real-life online dating success story! But just because we met online doesn't mean we don't have a cutesy story about how we met.

See, Erin lied in her ad. A lot. All our friends know the story. But if Erin hadn't lied all over her ad, I never would have responded to it, and we wouldn't be coming up on our 6th anniversary.

One of the many things Erin lied about in her ad was her taste in music. She listed pop-ish punk rock bands as her favorites. While I'm a bit of a rock snob who is all about classic, alternative, and hard rock, her interest in pop punk rock was okay with me. It could be a lot worse, I reasoned. Little did I know...

...if she had listed the kind of music she really listened to, she would have said "I like some pop, some rock, and some hip hop, but I LIVE for Broadway."  And we never would have got together.

Six years later, however, I have come to accept Erin's love of Broadway. And, I suppose, she has come to accept my love of rock. Together, we're pushing ourselves  and each other to "live out loud"  by pursuing our musical interests. My long-time dream is to sing in a rock band. And Erin's passion has always been performing in musical theater.

So lately, we've both been practicing. I've been rocking out, and she's been singing beautifully in the classical style in which she was trained. One funny thing about Erin is that she can't sing in a rock style no matter how hard she tries. Everything she sings comes out like a show tune. This is quite funny when I make her sing songs like Nine Inch Nail's "Closer." (Don't click through if you're easily offended.) It's about as far from show tunes as you could possibly imagine.

I'm really enjoying the fact that we're both working towards different but somewhat similar goals, and that we can encourage and support each other along the way. Erin's getting ready to perform again, and I'm pushing past my nerves to go from singing alone to singing with other musicians.

This is what chapter 5 in my book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, is all about. Most likely, I'll never be on MTV and Erin will never be on Broadway. But we can still pursue our dreams and enjoying doing things that most people never allow themselves to.

                                                                                    

Why It's Important to Work With an ADD Coach

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

Have you ever wondered why ADD coaching is important or how it could help you? Have you thought about trying it, but just keep procrastinating?

Here is my definition of ADD coaching: It is an ongoing partnership that helps clients live more effective and satisfying lives by maximizing strengths and talents and providing clients with structure, support, skills and strategies that improve their quality of life. This all takes place in a non-judgmental environment, where the client directs what he or she needs most from coaching.

Put in simpler terms:

• Do you struggle with organization, time management, planning, decision making, impulsivity, inattention or self-esteem? 
• Do you have difficulty with social interaction? 
• Are having trouble holding down a job because you can’t focus or complete tasks on time? 
• Do you have a high number of speeding tickets because you're always running late?
• Do you sit at home reading magazines or watching TV all day instead of doing the dishes, paying the bills or cleaning the house? 

If so, then it's time to hire a coach!

If you really want to change - if you really want your life to be better - then you have to change some of those well established behavior patterns that just aren’t working.  It isn’t easy. I know, I have been there.  Coaching will help you deal with these patterns, one piece at a time.

Working with an ADD coach helps you to identify what is preventing you from reaching a specific goal and to create a plan for reaching that goal.  It narrows the gap between your ability and your performance and teaches you to compensate for life skills that were never learned.  Most importantly, coaching supports your ability to self-direct actions and to change behavior.  The end result is a more self-aware, more organized, more confident and happy you, using your strengths and talents to improve your quality of life!

Sound good? 

If you would like to start working on your challenges to reach your goals, I am here to help!

                        

Layers of Living Out Loud

An epiphany is one of those "A HA!" moments when the clouds part, the light shines through, and everything suddenly seems to make sense.

I have a friend and colleague who says he's never had an epiphany, but would really like to have one. I have them on a regular basis. I'm not sure if that makes me a little enlightened, or just a little slow.

My most notable epiphany was when I realized that I liked women. Out of the blue I had an "A HA!" moment in college when I realized that the reason my relationships weren't working was because I was trying to have them with men. It wasn't really a "coming out" experience because I was never in the closet to begin with. The words "gay" and "lesbian" still seem somewhat foreign to me because I have always thought that people just are who they are, and labels are secondary. (I know plenty of people disagree with me on this, but that's how I feel personally.)

Most recently, I had a post-epiphany epiphany, which makes me either extremely enlightened or extremely stupid.

One of the things I do as an ADD Coach is help people manage their challenges, focus on their strengths and interests, and break free of their self-imposed limitations. It's one of my Essential Skills for Managing Adult ADD, and I call it "Living Out Loud."

I've seen many clients achieve their dreams - open a business, change careers, graduate from law, med, or graduate school, exhibit art work in a gallery, find a relationship, and so much more. Unfortunately, I've also seen clients sabotage themselves when the dream gets close to manifesting. I think we all fall into that category sometimes.

My dream, ever since I can remember, was to be a rock star. I wanted to be Cyndi Lauper, Ann Wilson, Patty Smythe, Tori Amos, Courtney Love, and even Jeff Buckley.

When I was younger, I thought I could do it someday.

When I was older, I thought:

• I can't sing well enough
• I don't have the time
• I don't have the look
• I'm too old (you know, cause 31 is over the hill)

And despite taking singing lessons for the last 4 years, I was still holding myself back. I'm perusing my dream, I told myself. I just want to be able to sing and know I sound good.

Well, the other day I told myself something else: SCREW THAT!  It was my post-epiphany epiphany.

In the space of about 24 hours, I was bombarded by tons of messages that were trying to tell me something. Among them was an ad by a local rock band specifically looking for a singer in their 30s.

It suddenly hit me. What is the point of practicing my singing simply so I can sound good to myself?

I want to get really good and join a band! I want to write songs! I want to go band practice! I want to play local bars! I want to be a part of the local music scene!

I don't need to tour, I don't need to be on MTV, and I don't need to get rich singing. That was never really part of the dream. I just want to make music with some cool people...

...and I've been holding myself back.

I'm going to be practicing a lot more and working towards this dream. Long live rock n roll.

What dream are you holding yourself back from?

                                    

                                 

Words of Wisdom: The Only Goal is in the Process

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the death of Jeff Buckley, one of my favorite musicians. "Favorite" is putting it lightly, actually. I can zone out and listen to this man's voice for hours, and be completely transformed in the process.

I have no idea if Jeff Buckley had ADD, and I suspect he would have been completely apathetic about it if he did. Nevertheless, I found this quote today and I love it. It completely illustrates the ADD Management concept of "Living Out Loud."

From Jeff Buckley:

"The only goal is in the process. The process is the thing…with little flashes of light here and there. Those are the gigs, those are the live shows. But it’s the life in between—that’s all I got."

Listen to Jeff Buckley's "Lover, You Should Have Come Over" courtesy of sand is overrated.