Experiencing ADDvantages

Adults with AD/HD: Do You Need an Attitude ADDjustment?

Today I'd like to share with you an article that I originally wrote for Patricia Quinn, M.D. and ADDvance.com. This article is inspired by Chapter 3 of my book, which is called 'ADDjust Your Attitude.' Judging by the great responses we've been getting about the last two newsletter issues, I think you'll find this topic of particular interest!

I hate to say it, but a lot of adults with AD/HD have an attitude problem. Many of us are negative thinkers with low self-esteem.

It’s understandable; life with AD/HD can have us feeling bad for being so “different” from everyone else. And we feel worse when we try to improve our lives using the wrong systems.

Mainstream advice doesn’t account for the unique wiring of AD/HD brains, and when this advice fails, we feel like we’ve failed. It chips away at our self-esteem.

As a result, many people with AD/HD grow up to be BMWs—people who constantly B*tch, Moan, and Whine! This is one of the reasons that adults with AD/HD often have trouble making new friends and maintaining relationships. It’s also why so many of us struggle to get along with our family members, coworkers, and neighbors.

No one likes to hang out with a BMW. Their constant brooding, complaining, and finding fault can quickly bring a happy person down or zap that person’s energy. Simply put, BMWs are a drag!

If you are a BMW, then don’t fret. With a little work, you can adjust your attitude and improve your social skills. Here are three practical things you can do right away to overcome being a BMW.

1. Accept compliments with grace and gratitude—even if you don’t agree with them.

If you’re a BMW, then chances are that your self-esteem can use a pick-me-up. Accepting the compliments that are paid to you will go a long way in helping you feel better about yourself.

You’ll find that most people genuinely mean what they say. If your friend says she likes your haircut, believe it! If you argue with her compliment by disagreeing and saying something like “This is the worst haircut I’ve ever had!”, then you’re essentially telling your friend that her opinion is wrong.

2. Avoid putting yourself down in front of others.

People often view self-deprecation as “fishing for compliments” and feel a responsibility to lift you up and make you feel better. After a while, this becomes annoying, and you can easily lose friends who might view you as high maintenance.

There’s a big difference between expressing your challenges, and putting yourself down for them. It’s perfectly okay to say “I would have liked to have the house cleaned up by the time you got here, but unfortunately I didn’t have enough time.” In contrast, a BMW might say something like “I’m such a slob! My house is always a mess and no matter what I do I can never get it together!”

3. Surround yourself with positive, happy people.

One of the easiest ways to adjust your attitude is to surround yourself with people worth emulating. When you choose to spend time with other BMWs, you’re choosing to be a BMW.

Make a concerted effort to ditch the BMW within, and then invite a pleasant coworker to join you for coffee, take a walk with a friendly neighbor, or reconnect with a supportive friend. You’ll absorb the positive energy of these good influences. And positive, happy people will be much more understanding when you do find yourself running late for lunch or forgetting a birthday!

When you adjust your attitude by increasing your self-esteem and adopting a more positive perspective, you’ll find that you have an easier time creating and maintaining social connections. People will enjoy spending time with the real you, and you’ll feel better about yourself, too!

Do you have thoughts about this article that you'd like to share? Please do so in the comments!

AD/HD Parenting Strategies

Posted by Sharon Howell, ADD Management Group Coach

I coach parents of children with ADD and I know that parenting a child with ADD can be very stressful, especially if you have ADD yourself. But, if you take the time to institute a few changes and follow them daily, you will discover that things will become easier and less stressful.

These guidelines apply to any household, but they are even more important if you have a special needs child. Jennifer and I cover them in-depth in our coaching toolkit, Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids. If you take the time institute these three guidelines, I know you will begin to see a change in your family.    

1. Discover your child’s strengths and focus on them    
2. Develop structure by setting routines (and stick with what works)    
3. Be consistent (This is the most important thing to remember)

This is not all there is to dealing with the chaos in an ADD family, but it is a good place to start. Good luck! I would be interested in hearing any success stories you'd like to share!

March mADDness Week 2: ADD In The Family

Yesterday I announced the winner of our first March mADDness giveaway! Let's keep the prizes rolling with our next contest.

March mADDness Week 2: ADD In The Family

Prize: The ADD Management Group Coaching Toolkit, Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids.

Since this prize is a toolkit specifically designed for families with ADD kids, please enter only if you (or someone you know) would benefit from a coaching toolkit on this topic. This will be the only prize this month specifically geared towards parents.

To Enter: In the comments field below, share a tip for managing ADD in the family environment. Have you figured out a way to get your ADD kid to go to bed on time? Found the perfect solution to help your ADD husband remember to take out the garbage? Discovered the best way to take care of yourself amidst all the chaos? Tell us about it!

Deadline: Comments must be posted by midnight EST on Sunday March 16th. The winner will be announced on Monday March 17.

Note: You MUST include your name, email address, and an ADD moment to be eligible for the prize. (At minimum, please include your first name and last initial. Your name will be published, your email address will not be.)

The winner will be chosen at random (by Rascal) from all eligible entries and notified by email, as well as on the blog.

Good luck!

How To Divide the Household Labor in an ADD Marriage

Well it seems that this ADD/marriage discussion has really struck a cord with many of you!

A client emailed me today and mentioned that she and her partner also struggle with the division of household chores. She agrees that it's not good for her when her partner takes up the slack. However, she struggles to maintain progress on the chores and tasks she's responsible for, losing momentum after a couple of weeks.

Housework is a sore spot in many relationships, mine included. Believe me, Erin and I have many discussions (and fights) about this. But there are ways to minimize the conflict.

Here's what I suggest to all couples who need some help in this area:

1. Have a meeting to discuss what needs to be done, and how often. Be very specific about what each task entails. "Clean up the kitchen at night" isn't good enough. Figure out what needs to be done (dishes, counters, leftovers) in order for everyone to be happy with the finished job. Write it all down! Making a spreadsheet or chart is a good idea.
2. Determine the division of labor based on a few considerations.
   1. Who likes to do what? Or, at the very least, who doesn't mind doing what?
   2. Who is better at what? Who gets less frustrated with certain tasks?
   3. Who was the time? Sometimes one partner works more or spends more time out of the house, and you may want to account for this. Deciding on the best division of labor doesn't necessarily mean splitting it down the middle.
3. For the ADDer, and perhaps the other partner as well, determine when the tasks will be done.
4. Create a plan to deal with problems. If either person slacks off, what is the other person’s responsibility? To gently point it out? To talk about the problem? To negotiate taking over the  chores that aren't getting done in exchange for something else? Agree on the best course of action up front, so no one gets pissed off later.

If you'd like to read more on this topic, have a look at these posts on my blog and Erin's blog:

• What About Me? Wednesday: When Your Partner is Stressed
• Tough Love for Adults with ADD
• Adult ADD is an Explanation Not an Excuse
• Let Me Get That For You

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!

If You Love Someone With ADD, Set Them Free

Here at the ADD Management Group, we get a lot of calls and emails that start out like this:

Hello, my name is John Doe. I have a son/daughter (usually a son) in college who needs help and I'd like him to work with Jennifer.

Or...

Hello, my name is Jane Doe, and my husband needs some ADD coaching. I'm calling to get some information for him, because I know he'll never do it.

With just one or two sentences, we already know that this is not a coaching relationship that will work. Here's why: The individual has not decided that they want coaching--someone else has.

Coaching doesn't work if the person being coached doesn't want it. Going along with what a parent or spouse wants just doesn't cut it.

Coaching is a partnership between the coach and client and, ultimately, it's the client who takes action and does the work. The coach can help elicit the ideas and actions, but make no mistake about it, it is the client who produces the results.

We actually have rules about who we will and won't coach at AMG:

1. If a person contacts us about private coaching for their partner, we tell them to have their partner call us. If the potential client can't do that, then they're not ready for coaching.
2. If a college student calls us about private coaching, great. It doesn't matter who pays (student or their parent) as long as the potential client initiates the process. If mom or dad has questions before shelling out the cash, that's perfectly understandable. But if mom or dad wants to force the student into it or control the process, then it's a no-go.

If you're the parent or partner of a struggling ADDer and you think they would benefit from coaching, talk to them about it. Show them this blog or tell them about our newsletter and free resources.

Whatever you do, don't push your ADDer--no matter how good your intentions are. Otherwise you'll just end up wasting your money, and possibly even damaging your relationship with the ADDer you love.

 

Tough Love for Adults with ADD

Last week Erin was away visiting family. That left me alone, to fend for myself and the dogs, for 5 days. Although I often travel on business without Erin, this is the longest that Erin has been away in our 6 years together.

At first I felt sorry for myself. Being alone for 5 days meant 5 days of doing all the dog walking, all the dog feeding, all the cooking, all the cleaning up, all the garbage-taking-out, all the housework (oh who am I kidding with that one?), all the laundry, all the errands, and all the shopping. I was responsible for everything. There was so "scaffolding" to provide my structure.

But by the second day, something strange happened. I told myself, You were single for YEARS before you settled down. You did it all and more then...so why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? After that dose of reality, I found myself doing really well on my own.

I was waking up on time every day because there was no one else to take the dogs out in the morning. And then I found myself going to bed at a decent hour because I knew the dogs would wake me up to be fed...so if I stayed up late I wouldn't get a lot of sleep.

I also found myself procrastinating less, because there was no one else to clean up the kitchen, so I might as well do it! Now, don't get my wrong, I've never been one to do a bang up cleaning job, but the dishes got done.

I was getting up, doing what I needed to, easing into the day, working reasonable hours, tending to the house, practicing my singing, running errands and making social trips, and then going to bed. My life was structured.

By day 4, I really missed Erin. I was anxious for her to come home to me. But once she did, my structure fell apart again.

You see, I will fully admit that I can be one hell of a manipulator. I'm good at guilt trips, too. These are skills that have been passed down to me from generations and generations of Irish mothers. Seriously, I could win gold medals for my guilt trips--provided I wasn't competing against my mother. And Erin, being innocent and sweet, is so damn susceptible to my manipulation and guilt trips that she often ends up doing more than her fair share around here.

So when Erin returned home, she once again began taking on lots of the responsibility...and I began manipulating her again. See, I know exactly what to say, exactly what to do, or exactly what face to put on to make her want to walk the dogs for me, or go shopping for me, or whatever. And she never even complains.

But when Erin was away I realized that I don't actually benefit from skirting my responsibilities. I use my ADD as an excuse to be lazy, but I actually function much better when left on my own.

So Erin and I had a talk last night, and I gave her permission to ignore me. I told her to ignore me when:

• I don't want to get up in the morning. If I sleep too late on a Saturday and lose my free time, that's my problem, not hers.
• I say I don't feel good or I'm too tired to walk the dogs. Tough. If she wasn't here, I'd have to walk them whether I was tired or sick with the flu!
• I don't feel like cooking. Sucks for me, but it's my responsibility. I don't have to make a gourmet dinner, but it's still my job to put together a healthy meal.
• I ask her to get things for me. If she's going downstairs to grab a drink and I ask her to bring me up one, too, that's fine. But if I ask her to go downstairs and get me a drink simply because I don't feel like getting up, then she should just tell me to fuck off.
• I don't do what I say I want to. Erin's response to this is best described as "nagging." And nothing makes me want to sit around and zone out more than being nagged. If I don't do what I say I want to, it's my problem.

And you know what, I feel ten times better.

People with ADD often struggle with creating structure, and parents and partners sometimes want rush in (with the best of intentions) to create it for us. But maybe what we really need as adults is tough love.

Thoughts?

Halloween Treat for AD/HD Families: Last Day to Save

No tricks today, just treats!

This is a quick reminder that today is the last day to pre-order our new product for parents:

Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids

When you follow the program in the Taming the Family Circus coaching toolkit, you'll:

1. Learn parenting techniques that take your AD/HD into account, as well as your kid's.
2. Get the information and strategies you need to raise successful and happy kids with AD/HD, and stay sane in the process.
3. Find out why taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your kids.
4. Get practical ideas for little things you can do for yourself that will have a positive impact on your whole family.
5. Discover why it doesn't work to try and fix your child's weaknesses, or your own.
6. Put together an action plan for focusing on your family members' strengths.
7. Learn how to develop structure that will help your whole family run smoothly.
8. Create routines that will make everyone's lives easier.

This coaching toolkit includes a 58-minute audio CD and 26-page booklet, and is priced at $47 plus shipping and handling. The toolkit will begin shipping on or around November 5th. Those who order early will enjoy over 20% off the standard retail price and pay just $37!

PLUS, blog readers get fr.ee shipping in the US when you use coupon code POFSH.

AND, the product is backed by a 110% guarantee. So you have nothing to lose by trying it.

But this is the last day to get this product at the pre-order introductory price, so please don't delay!

Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids

Pre-Order Sale: $37

Use coupon code POFSH for fr.ee shipping in the US!

Normally $47 + S&H. Pre-order sale ends 10/31/07.

You CAN raise successful and happy kids with AD/HD...and stay sane in the process!

More on ADD in the Family

As you may know, experts suspect that ADD is genetic. So if one person in your family has ADD, chances are at least one other person does, too!                        

Note: If you're the parent of a child with Attention Deficit Disorder, you'll definitely want to keep reading...

When you live in a household with more than one ADDer, you often have double the stress, double the overwhelm, and double the chaos! The challenges are even more complicated by the fact that while ADD has some common symptoms and challenges, no two people are alike.                   

Fortunately, there are some very basic and simple strategies that you can employ to ensure that your ADD household runs smoothly. And these strategies will work if you're the only ADDer in your home, or if you're surrounded by other ADDers!                     

1. Keep individual stress levels down. The more stressed out you are, the harder it is to manage your ADD challenges. Time management, organization, focus, and other challenges become more difficult than ever to control successfully. Consequently, the more stressed out individual family members are, the more difficult it becomes to live with them!
   
   Stress management needs to be a priority for everyone in the home, and that includes non-ADDers, too!


2. Focus on individual strengths. ADDers respond much better to praise than criticism. Acknowledgement of strengths increases self-esteem and provides energy and motivation to continue building on success.
   
   It's human nature to respond positively to praise, as opposed to criticism. So shower everyone in the household with praise and recognition to create a happy and positive environment!


3. Create structure.   Kids tend to need more structure than adults, but everyone in the household can benefit from some predictability.
   
   Structure in the form of bedtime routines, meal schedules, and fun time can do wonders for adults with ADD who often need a little more help slowing down. And non-ADDers will appreciate knowing when they can count on enjoying some time with their ADDers!

ADD families need not be stressed out and frantic. With some patience and a little work, the home environment can transform from chaos to calm!                      

Some Extra Help for Parents

Introducing the ADD Management Group's newest coaching toolkit...                      

Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids

You want only the best for your child with AD/HD. You want them to be happy, successful, and stress-free. But it's hard. Kids with AD/HD often need special attention to ensure that they are happy and optimally functioning...

...and your own AD/HD often gets in the way of your efforts to be an effective parent.                      

Without the appropriate systems and structure to meet your children's needs--as well as your own--then clutter, chaos and confusion will create high stress levels in the family. This can lead to increased anxiety and/or depression in children and parents alike.

Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids is a coaching toolkit that teaches you how to raise successful and happy kids while staying sane in the process!                      

We'll help you:

1. Get the tools you need to help your whole family run smoothly.
2. Implement the strategies in your own home.
3. Take action and enjoy the rewards of these positive solutions.

And show you how to:                      

1. Take care of yourself in order to take care of  your family.
2. Create a peaceful home environment that nurtures  strengths and success.
3. Develop structure that will put your whole  family at ease

This multimedia coaching toolkit includes a 58-minute audio CD that guides you through each solution, and  26-page booklet that walks you through the implementation of each step.                      

Order Now and Enjoy a 20% Discount Plus Free Shipping in the US!

The toolkit will begin shipping next week and will sell for $47 plus shipping and handling.           

However, if you order before October 31st, you'll enjoy  20% off the standard retail price and pay just $37!

And blog readers get free shipping, too! Just use coupon code POFSH when ordering.                      

Plus, we offer a 110% guarantee! But remember, this offer expires on midnight, October 31.

Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids                                           

Buy Now! or visit the product website.

Pre-Order Sale: $37

Use coupon code POFSH for free shipping in the US!

Normally $47 + S&H. Pre-order sale ends 10/31/07. 

Your family doesn’t  have to succumb to the chaos of AD/HD. You can create an effective, productive, and  stress-free environment for your  whole family!                                                                             

Restructuring

So it's been about a month and a half now since Erin began working full time in the ADD Management Group. Things have been going well, and it's actually been easier than expected for us to work together. This is partly because we keep different hours. Erin gets up earlier than I do and takes advantage of her morning-person-ness. I start and end my day a little later.

One unexpected problem we've experienced, however, is that Erin has been taking care of me a little too much.

See, I've been working all by myself in a home office for over 4 years. I have systems. And Erin, even thought she means well, has been dismantling them. Here are some examples:

• She's been getting up, taking the dogs out, and feeding them. But hungry dogs who have to pee really bad used to ensure that I got up at a reasonable time.
• Once she takes care of the dogs, she closes the bedroom door so they can't come in and bug me. But cuddly dogs on the bed also have a way of waking me up in a happy and peaceful way.
• She moved my alarm closer to me so I don't have to get up to press the snooze button. But getting up to press the snooze button is one of my strategies for waking up and getting out of bed.
• Believe me, there are more examples I could list!

Erin means well, and of course she didn't realize that she was screwing me up. In fact, I didn't even realize it until I seriously overslept one day.

Sometimes a non-ADD partner will try to make life easier for their ADD partner by imposing their own systems. The person always means well, but doesn't understand: ADDers do things differently. We have our own systems and structure that might not make sense to anyone else. If it work, who cares?

So Erin and I had a talk about it this week, and Erin is going to leave my systems in tact and do her own thing in the morning.

It's lovely when your partner cares enough about you to try and make your life easier. But if good intentions interfere with your ADD management systems, then don't be afraid to reject them.

My new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD is now available at a presale discount. Reserve your copy today!