Experiencing ADDvantages

TV Junkie

Okay, I've said it before and I will admit it again: I like TV.

Drama, comedy, reality TV...there is so much to love!

TV gets a bad wrap but for many of us, TV allows us to relax, unwind, enjoy ourselves, learn something new and - in some cases - it provides a much-needed escape from the world. I like TV.

However, I'm currently experiencing one of my bi-yearly TV freak outs. In the spring and the fall when new seasons begin, there is so much good stuff on that I can't possibly watch it all. And I'm not kidding, this stresses me out.

Lost. Survivor. The L Word. Up until recently, these were the only 'must see' shows on my list. And then there is the DIY-channel home improvement stuff and the couple of MTV & VH1 reality shows that I catch when I can. It was doable.

But now The Sopranos is starting again. +1. The Apprentice is back. (I'm an entrepreneur, I can't help watching The Apprentice.) +2. I've heard a lot about a new comedy that looks right up my alley, Sons and Daughters, and I want to check it out. +3. I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.

Ack! I hate being a slave to TV, but I can't help it. There is something about a great show that lights up my brain and inspires my creativity. Not to mention the fact that I very rarely watch TV without doing something else at the same time. So that's not so bad, is it? Do I sound like a TV junkie?? :)

Shane: Survivor's "ADD Psycho Boy"

ADD?  I hope not.  Psycho?  Maybe...

Why is it that every time someone on Survivor gets pegged as ADD, it's always some socially inept guy?

Last night on Survivor, the Casaya tribe's Shane started losing it.  He didn't want to be there.  He wanted to go home to his kid, his smokes, and his coffee.  He said that Survivor's island life was so slow and uncomfortable that it was driving him crazy.  He said his life at home was very fast paced, the way he liked it, and he referred to himself as "ADD psycho boy."

Again, let me just say: ADD?  I hope not - makes us look bad.  Psycho?  Maybe...

I would never want to be on Survivor.  I'm high maintenance.  I like my temporpedic bed.  I like my shower.  I like my stereo.  I wouldn't be willing to give it all up.

But, there is something extremely appealing about Survivor, and that is the challenge. 

ADDers thrive on stimulation.  We love challenge. The challenge of surviving on a deserted island is appealing to many, I'm sure.  But what is even more appealing is the concept wrapped up in the show's tag line: Outwit, Outlast, Outplay.

The idea of having to strategize and form alliances and outsmart the others is the ultimate turn on for many ADDers.  Me included.  It's the type of stimulation that we just love.  It's the type of stimulation that keeps us up at night with racing thoughts.

So is Shane ADD?  I'm thinking no.  Psycho?  The jury is still out on that one.  Let's wait and see.

Do You Need A Simon Cowell In Your Life?

Even if you don't watch American Idol, you know who Simon Cowell is. The brutally honest, sometimes nasty, and always amusing judge who is constantly making headlines.

People love him or hate him. He tells contestants - straight up and in no uncertain terms - what he thinks about their ability to sing and make a career out of it.

Some people consider him mean and - granted - he can be very nasty in the way that he communicates his opinions.

But do you sometimes watch -- as a contestant comes in looking completely disheveled and proceeds to sing like a screeching tire -- and find yourself thinking "Come on, why did this guy even bother trying out?"

So then, is it really that wrong for Simon to honestly tell the guy "Find another career, because you will not make it as a singer"? I don't think it is.

Sometimes, we need someone in our lives to cut through the bullshit and tell it like it is. Not in a mean way, but in an honest and supportive way.

The challenges of ADD often lead us to become frustrated and beat ourselves up and feel sorry for ourselves...and that's okay. Sometimes. But there (hopefully) comes a time when you realize that this behavior doesn't get you very far. There comes a time when it's helpful to have a Simon Cowell hold up a mirror in front of you and say "this just isn't working, it's time to do something else."

It's kind of what coaching is all about.
...only without the cheeky comments and funny faces.

Live Below the Neck

Well, our favorite reality TV ADDer, TJ, graduated from the Starting Over house today. I'll refrain from the criticism of the way the show responds to ADD, because it's been said before. What I'd rather focus on today is a brilliant thing that TJ said before she left. She said that she hopes to "live below the neck."

Wow. Those 4 little words really summed up a common ADD problem so well - we tend to get stuck in our heads. We get caught up in stress and chaos that leads to frantic feelings and an inability to get out of our heads. We're always thinking, thinking, thinking! Actually, most of us think a hell of a lot more than we do!

So then, to "live below the neck" means 2 things to me. First it means breaking that cycle of getting caught up in all the thinking - the "I need to do this," "I should be doing this," "If I only I could change this," "I wish I could do this," on and on and on and on!

But it also means something else to me.  I have noticed that when I am very psychical - going to the gym, doing yoga, meditating at night, going for long walks my dog, scheduling lots of social activity - I feel really good.  In fact, I feel best when I balance the activity that goes on above the neck (in my head) and below the neck (in my psychical body.) 

Unfortunately, it's easy to upset that balance.  I think this week I'll be reminding myself to "live below the neck."

TJ is Graduating from Starting Over?

Today on "Staring Over," TJ - our favorite reality TV ADDer - learned that she will be graduating. This means that her life coach, Rhonda, believes TJ has learned the skills she needs and has made changes in her life that are signifigant enough for her to move on and lead a fulfilled life.

I musty have missed something.

I don't think TJ got what she needed to thrive with ADD. In fact, I think one of the most important skills she needs to learn was brushed over today in a 10 second "by the way..." moment.

Rhonda informed TJ that she needs to start appreciating her accomplishments and stop looking for things that are wrong.

If it was only that easy!

One of the biggest challenges ADDers have is learning to acknowledge and appreciate their strenghts and accomplishments. When you spend a lifetime being told that you do things wrong or differently, that you could be so much better and do so much more if you just "applied yourself," and you, yourself, feel like you just can't live up to your potential no matter how hard you try, then learning to focus on the good things is no easy task.

In fact, it's one of the hardest things for an ADDer to learn.

It takes more than a 10 second conversation. TJ needs time and tools to learn how to focus on the good things and build on them. It takes practice and encouragement -- and someone to say "yeah, you really did do a good job" over and over again.

TJ was, once again, short changed.

Starting Over Gets It Wrong Again

It has recently come to my attention that a number of Starting Over fans have been reading this blog to get a new perspective on TJ, an adult with ADD in the reality TV show "Starting Over." Welcome!

In light of all these new visitors, I think it's time to revisit the subject of TJ, and the disservice done to her in the Starting Over house.

TJ has a "control issue," according to Rhonda, TJ's life coach. This may be, but there is a reason. ADDers often have "control issues" because life feels so out of control! One of our greatest challenges is to learn how to slow down, breathe, and deal with stress without getting overwhelmed. To do this is no easy task, and TJ could use some support on this instead of the shaming that she so often receives.

In today's episode, TJ is enjoying a visit from her husband, whom we learn also has ADD. Rhonda informs the couple that she does not want their relationship to be based on the shared experience of having ADD. Oh Rhonda, learn about ADD, will you?!?

Right now, TJ's husband Rick is the only one who understands her and the way she is wired. To say that the couple can't put too much emphasis on that is to take away that small sense of understanding that TJ has in world.

Most ADDers absolutely, positively DO need to have their ADD be a central part of their identity. We do things differently. Our brains are wired differently. We have strengths in areas that many others don't - like intense creativity and sensitivity for others, and we have challenges in many areas that others don't - like organization and time management.

Many of us have creative gifts that others envy, but can't - for our lives - make it to an appointment on time! This disconnect almost always leads to a sense of not belonging in the world, and the only thing that remedies this is to understand that you are not alone.

TJ needs to be allowed to embrace her ADD, and to get to know it really well. She needs to be encouraged not just to work on her challenges and deficits, but also to focus on her personal strengths.

There is no other way to coach a person with ADD. Period.

Starting Over: ADD & Intergrity

Yesterday's episode of Starting Over had TJ (our favorite daytime ADDer) working on her 'integrity.' Apparently, because TJ has some impulsivity and sometimes speaks without thinking, she doesn't have integrity.

**Insert scream here.**

Once again, Starting Over has blown it by shaming an ADDer. Does TJ have impulsivity issues? YES! Does she speak without thinking? YES! Does she alienate people because ofit? YES! Does that mean she doesn't have integrity or should be shamed?? HELL NO.

TJ's life coach gave her the assignment of asking herself some questions before she speaks: "Is what I'm about to say necessary, honest, helpful, and kind?" This is great - an excellent strategy for creating a buffer between the thought and the action - soemthing many ADDers have to learn how to do. But TJ didn't need to be shamed in order to learn this lesson. Impulsivity is a common factor in ADD and there is science behind it!

Does Survivor's Judd Have ADD?

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know I'm a big fan of the TV show 'Survivor.' Last night on Survivor, one contestant accused another of having ADD. It was a heated debate.

At Tribal Council (where the tribes vote one person out) Jeff (the host) engaged the tribe members in a discussion about how they've been getting along. A heated argument between Margaret (a nurse practitioner) and Judd (an NYC doorman) ensued. Apparently, Margaret told Judd early on that he had ADD because he couldn't sit still. Judd reacted in such a way that you'd think she called him a murderer. Clearly, for him, this was an insult.

Judd is a rude and obnoxious jackass. And Margaret is (or was, she got voted out) a know-it-all pain in the butt. She really did think she knew everything because of her medical background. Nurse practitioner or not, she could not properly evaluate Judd to make an ADD diagnosis. She used it, knowlingly, as a way to get Judd angry and excited.

While this interlude certainly provided some comic releif last night, I do worry about the implications. Once again, the message is put out there that ADD means you can't sit still. And once again, it's put out there as a bad thing...