Experiencing ADDvantages

Authenticity and ADD

The ADD community has been pretty vocal lately, as you may be aware.

Some people feel that they are being taken advantage of by ADD professionals who market their services online.

And others are upset about what they consider to be the high fees for ADD-related products and services. They want to know why getting help costs so much money.

Maybe you've been wondering about these things, too?

I think it's time for me to weigh in.

Hey, What's That Smell?

One of the things I pride myself on is authenticity.

When you read my book, newsletters, or blog, you're reading my authentic voice. Clients, friends, and family members have all commented that reading my book is like having a conversation with me.

The same is true when you coach with me, either privately or in a group. I say what I think in the way that I think it will be best received.

In fact, the only thing I hold back on in my life and my work is swearing. I curse like a truck driver. Some people are fine with this, and I try to tone it down for others. And I caused quite a few jaws to drop when I accidentally let the s-word slip at Disney a few years ago. It could have been much worse-believe me.

Here's what I really think about authenticity and ADD:

While some people believe that adults with ADD can be easily taken advantage of, I actually think that the vast majority of us can smell a bullshit artist a mile away. I know I certainly can.

I can also tell when well-meaning people say or do things that don't come across the way they intend them to.

Have YOU ever stuck your foot in your mouth? Ever said something that came out completely wrong and ended up hurting someone's feelings? I have. Many times.

So I try not to hold it against other people who are saying one thing when they actually mean another. Sometimes the best intentions are overshadowed by poor communication.

That said,...

One Size Does Not Fit All in the World of ADD

If you take medication for ADD, then you know that there are a bunch of different meds out there and that it can take a while to find the one that works for you. And then it can take a while to find the right dose!

And if you've read a bunch of books on ADD, then you probably found one or two that you didn't like as much as everyone else did. The same holds true for websites, support groups, and other resources. You might find value in something that others don't.

We all have ADD, but we're all individuals.

This applies to marketing, too. My sense is that many people have been turned off not so much by the ADD professionals who are marketing themselves, but by the one-size-fits-all marketing approaches that they've encountered.

These marketing approaches can sometimes come off as sleazy or, worse yet, inauthentic. If you find yourself turned off by such an approach, then that's okay.

If you don't like the way one person markets their services, you can always find what you're looking for elsewhere.

Take this newsletter, for example. Some people are going to hear my voice and instantly relate to it. Others won't. That's the way it goes.

And you know what, that's a good thing! If someone doesn't relate to me, or even like me, that's okay. I don't like everyone, either! And the good news is that there are plenty of other ADD coaches and service providers out there. It's not hard to find someone that you can relate to.

It's also worth noting that for many of us in the professional field, our work is our livelihood. Just like any other service provider, we have certain fees that we charge based on a number of factors, including our own experience and the value that people receive from our services.

If you wanted help with real estate, you'd pay more for personal advice from Donald Trump than you would to attend one of his seminars. And you'd pay more for his seminars than you would to read his books. The same is true in the world of ADD.

Which brings me to my last point. I have a very stong opinion about finding help for ADD:

If you NEED help for ADD, then don't look for it online. Look for a doctor, therapist, or support group in your local area. Sometimes you have to travel further than you would like or spend more than you want to, but it's worth it.

If you WANT help for ADD, but the situation isn't dire, then broaden your search beyond your local area. This is where the Internet and trends in global communication really pay off.

Just remember that there are plenty of professionals offering their services.

One size doesn't fit all.

What Do YOU Think?

I would really love to hear your thoughts on the subject of "authenticity and ADD."

Let's have a conversation. I encourage you to tell me what you think in the comments field below.

Creativity and Adult ADD: Get In The Box!

Last year, Erin and I met with a business consultant to discuss plans for the ADD Management Group. During the meeting, the consultant mentioned something about my "out of the box" ideas, and Erin stopped her.

"Everyone always talks about 'out of the box' ideas!" Erin exclaimed. "Where is this box that everyone talks about? I've never understood what 'out of the box' means."

The consultant smiled very sweetly at Erin and simply replied, "That's because you are the box, Erin."

Boxes Are Our Friends

I've said it many times - Adults with ADD are creative, big picture thinkers. It's easy for us to be creative. It's easy to float from one interesting thing to the next.

It's actually much harder to harness that creative energy and turn it into productivity. Producing results requires putting a lid on your creativity long enough to let the ideas come to life. It means getting in the box and containing the ideas before they get too big to manage or--worse yet--before they float away.

This is what Erin does for the ADD Management Group. I offer the ideas, and she puts them in the box. She grounds things just enough to ensure that the good ideas get pushed into action. It works.

Of course, this is a business example, and our personal lives are slightly different. As adults with ADD, you and I are responsible for creating our own structure and containment.

This means that in order to benefit from our creative ideas, we've got to:

Be realistic about which ideas are worth pursuing, which ones are worth ditching, and which ones are worth saving for a rainy day.

Plan to follow through on those really good ideas. It's not enough to think about how great something could be. An action plan is essential.

Remember when your high school English teacher taught you to answer the questions 'Who, what, where, when, why, and how' in your essays? Answering these six little questions is an excellent way to devise a plan.

Structure our time to produce results. This means making time to act on the good ideas while still managing day-to-day life. It means setting deadlines and finding ways to remain accountable.

You've heard that saying, 'There's a time and place for everything,' right? It applies here. There's a time to be creative, and there's a time to be productive.

Your creative brain can be an incredible asset in life ...provided that you get in the box once a while and contain it.

Do you have comments on this topic? I'd love to hear them! Please share your thoughts.

Beating Up Your Best Friend

Adults with ADD can be really hard on themselves. We often beat ourselves up over the smallest things, kicking self-esteem into the gutter and quashing motivation.

When a client berates herself for forgetting something, running late, or making a mistake, I ask her to breath and take a step back.

"If your friend made this innocent, simple mistake, would you berate her in the same way you're berating yourself?"

"No," is always the answer.

"So if you wouldn't treat your friend this way, why would you treat yourself this way?"

            Silence usually follows as the person realizes just how unfair she is being--to herself.

ADD-Libber has a great post on this subject, called "being your own best friend." Check it out!

How To Divide the Household Labor in an ADD Marriage

Well it seems that this ADD/marriage discussion has really struck a cord with many of you!

A client emailed me today and mentioned that she and her partner also struggle with the division of household chores. She agrees that it's not good for her when her partner takes up the slack. However, she struggles to maintain progress on the chores and tasks she's responsible for, losing momentum after a couple of weeks.

Housework is a sore spot in many relationships, mine included. Believe me, Erin and I have many discussions (and fights) about this. But there are ways to minimize the conflict.

Here's what I suggest to all couples who need some help in this area:

1. Have a meeting to discuss what needs to be done, and how often. Be very specific about what each task entails. "Clean up the kitchen at night" isn't good enough. Figure out what needs to be done (dishes, counters, leftovers) in order for everyone to be happy with the finished job. Write it all down! Making a spreadsheet or chart is a good idea.
2. Determine the division of labor based on a few considerations.
   1. Who likes to do what? Or, at the very least, who doesn't mind doing what?
   2. Who is better at what? Who gets less frustrated with certain tasks?
   3. Who was the time? Sometimes one partner works more or spends more time out of the house, and you may want to account for this. Deciding on the best division of labor doesn't necessarily mean splitting it down the middle.
3. For the ADDer, and perhaps the other partner as well, determine when the tasks will be done.
4. Create a plan to deal with problems. If either person slacks off, what is the other person’s responsibility? To gently point it out? To talk about the problem? To negotiate taking over the  chores that aren't getting done in exchange for something else? Agree on the best course of action up front, so no one gets pissed off later.

If you'd like to read more on this topic, have a look at these posts on my blog and Erin's blog:

• What About Me? Wednesday: When Your Partner is Stressed
• Tough Love for Adults with ADD
• Adult ADD is an Explanation Not an Excuse
• Let Me Get That For You

Adult ADD is an Explanation, Not an Excuse

I'd like to offer a big welcome to all the people visiting us from Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD & Marriage! Thanks for stopping by. If you like what you read, you can subscribe here.

I recently wrote a popular post on Tough Love for Adults with ADD, in which I offered some practical advice for partners of adults with ADD: don't try to parent your ADDer. It's actually better to let your ADDer learn how to create the structure that works best for them. In response to the post, Pann wrote:

I love that you admit to using ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

I hate to call my spouse lazy, because he isn't - he is a super duper hard worker.

But there are times when I suspect his ADD is really useful to him as an excuse for procrastinating and being lazy.

I'm glad Pann posted this comment because it gives me the opportunity to clarify the post. She has pointed out that I didn't do the best job communicating my thoughts. I do not use ADD as an excuse to be lazy.

In fact, I don't know any successful adults who use ADD as an excuse. More often it is a spouse/partner, parent, teacher, coworker or other who labels the difficulty as "an excuse."

ADD is, however, an explanation. It's an explanation as to why certain seemingly simple life management tasks are so effing difficult for many adults. ADD is a neuro-biological condition that has very real effects, including difficulty creating structure, managing time, becoming and staying organized, focusing in boring situations, getting started on tasks (aka procrastination) and more.

And when an adult with ADD understands their difficulties, then action can be taken to work with the challenges rather than against them. This is not an easy feat, but one that can be undertaken successfully. And doing so might mean giving your partner permission to not take on the majority of the household responsibilities, thereby forcing you to create and keep the structure that works best for you. This was my example in Tough Love.

"Lazy" is a relative term. I'm lazy when it comes to cleaning the house and getting up in the morning. I'm not lazy when it comes to cooking dinner, doing laundry, taking care of my dogs, doing yard work, working in my business that I love, and many other examples. Erin, my partner, is lazy when it comes to many aspects of her work. She's not lazy when it comes to doing paperwork, cleaning the house, running errands, walking the dogs, and many other examples. I'd say it's a pretty good match. In fact, many couples with an ADD and non-ADD partner find that their skills and strengths are actually quite complimentary!

But labeling a person as "lazy" doesn't help the situation. Adults with ADD have spent a lifetime being told that they're lazy and don't apply themselves. After a while, it's easy to believe the criticism. It's easy to give up and declare "They're right! I'm just lazy and I'll never change." It's much better for the non-ADD spouse to lead by example, and help your ADDer create the structure that they need without taking over for them.

Of course, there are adults with ADD out there whose self-esteem is so low that they do use excuses. There are also adults who are in "victim mode" and could probably use a good therapist to help them turn that around. But a great number of us don't use ADD as an excuse, just as an explanation.

To be clear, this is not a beat-up-on-Pann post. :-) Or any other spouses/partner, for that matter! Pann expressed genuine frustration with her husband's challenges, as do many people who are married to an ADDer. (And Pann's husband even vouches for her good will in the comments below!) As we all know, marriage is hard work no matter what. Adding ADD to the mix can increase the difficulty.

There are  plenty of times when I feel for Erin because I know that my  ADD sometimes complicates her life, like those last-minute trips to the store in which the sales people curse us under their breath for coming in 5 minutes before closing. But there are also times when she complicates my life, like when she insists on planning our vacation activities in excruciating detail.

We love each other, and we annoy each other...because that's what married people do.

You can read more of my thoughts on ADD and relationships here. Erin, my partner, writes a humorous blog called So I Married an ADDer that many ADDers and spouses get a chuckle out of. I hope you'll check it out. And, once again, if you'd like to subscribe to this blog you can do so here.

Thoughts on this post? Adults with ADD and their non-ADD spouses and partners are welcome to discuss!

How To Overcome Any ADD-related Setback

It doesn't matter if you were diagnosed with ADD years ago or just recently. When you've lived a life with adult ADD, you've no doubt encountered many setbacks.

The "wiring" of adult ADD makes it difficult to become and stay organized, concentrate when necessary, and manage time and projects effectively,  among other things. You've probably tried to improve upon at least one of these areas many times in your life with little or no success.

Standard advice and strategies for things like organization and time management don't always work for adults with ADD. "Help" that comes from someone or something (like a book) that doesn't take your ADD into account can be worse than no help at all because, if you are unable to make the advice work for you, it feels like failure. It feels like there is something wrong with you. It's yet another setback after trying really hard to make good advice work.

And even when you do find good help from an ADD coach, therapist, or resource, change and improvement don't always come as quickly as you'd like. It takes time to overcome years of working against your ADD. Learning new patterns and strategies is a process. Feeling like you're finally on track doesn't mean that you won't experience setbacks. You will. Everyone does. It doesn't mean that you've failed. 

The real challenge is not learning the new, ADD-friendly patterns and strategies, because that can be done. The real challenge is moving beyond the inevitable setbacks.

Setbacks have a tendency to lower your self-esteem. And low self-esteem can rob you of the motivation you need to make improvements and stay on track.

The best way I know to overcome a setback--in any area--is to build success in another area. Here are some examples:

If you experience a setback in your organizing goals, then you might choose to work on maintaining an exercise routine.

If you experience a setback in time management, then you might choose to work on strengthening a friendship.

If you experience a setback in getting 7 or 8 solid hours of sleep each night, then you might choose to focus on making healthy meal choices.

It really doesn't matter which area you choose to build success in, as long as you choose something that you know you can make progress in. Success in any area will pump up your self-esteem. Then, when you feel good about your success and accomplishments again, you'll have the necessary energy and motivation to pick up where you left off when you experienced that setback.

Setbacks don't have to lead to failure. Setbacks can be temporary. You can overcome any ADD-related setback by building your self-esteem.

What are your thoughts on setbacks and self-esteem? I'd love to hear them!

Emotional Sensitivity: Heath Ledger's Death

In response to recent post Mama Drama, Donna wrote:

I have really felt a tremendous sadness over Heath's death. It reminds me of your post about the Lifetime movies. I think it's because some of the things I've read about him reminded me of how I have felt in the past.

I also felt sad about Heath Ledger's passing. Whether his death was intentional or accidental, it's always sad to see someone die before their time...especially when that person has a young child.

As highly sensitive ADDers, we have to remember that while it's okay to feel sad about such things, it's not healthy to get caught up in them.

The media focus on this story last week was over the top. You couldn't escape the coverage without turning off the TV...and that's exactly what many of us had to do. When you're sensitive to emotional stimulus, it's sometimes better to filter it out altogether.

As Donna said, sometimes the sadness is sparked by a sense of empathy that reminds us of our own struggles. This might indicate that there are some past issues that still need to be worked through.
Talking or journaling about your feelings can be really helpful. Psychotherapy is also a good option if the feelings persist.

Did YOU find yourself feeling a little too sad or weepy over Heath Ledger's death? How did you handle it?

BostonNOW Article: Finding a Treatment

By Amy Tennery, BostonNOW Correspondent

Insomnia, headaches, diarrhea, blurred vision are all side effects of common Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) medications, like Ritalin, and they are enough to dissuade many from pursuing drugs as a solution to their learning differences.

But with the increasing popularity of non-medical adult ADD treatment, alternatives to behavior-altering drugs have become accessible to the public.

"We have a saying in the industry: the pills don't build the skills," says Jennifer Koretsky, author of Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. "Those pills aren't going to teach you to become organized or manage your time."

Today, more options for adult ADD management are becoming available at a rapid pace, perhaps because this learning difference has become more apparent in recent years.

"I think that it's just now coming to light that there is such a thing as adult ADD. People who are adults now might have been told they would grow out of it, but they're not growing out of it," says Gail Parrott, lead program specialist with the Dore Center's Needham facility.

Koretsky says adults with ADD should be "using [their] own natural tendencies and making them work," rather than fighting their ADD. Traditional means of organization, for example, are not accessible to the adult ADD mind, says Koretsky. She helps her clients learn new organizational skills rather than try to conform to those that they find challenging to maintain.

Parrott also approaches adult ADD management with a non-medical approach. Her physical-based exercise program is designed to target the cerebellum and help clients manage their ADD symptoms.

A typical exercise involves "standing on one foot, on a cushion," which promotes balance and body awareness, says Parrott. "At the same time you might be asked to toss a bean bag from hand to hand. With practice and repetition you are actually training the cerebellum."

Although vast amounts of research to support the efficacy of many ADD medications exist, Parrott argues that pairing a physical-based therapy with medication is essential.

"Ritalin and Adderall are only effective as long as they are in your bloodstream," says Parrott, which is a "permanent, effective solution."

If You Love Someone With ADD, Set Them Free

Here at the ADD Management Group, we get a lot of calls and emails that start out like this:

Hello, my name is John Doe. I have a son/daughter (usually a son) in college who needs help and I'd like him to work with Jennifer.

Or...

Hello, my name is Jane Doe, and my husband needs some ADD coaching. I'm calling to get some information for him, because I know he'll never do it.

With just one or two sentences, we already know that this is not a coaching relationship that will work. Here's why: The individual has not decided that they want coaching--someone else has.

Coaching doesn't work if the person being coached doesn't want it. Going along with what a parent or spouse wants just doesn't cut it.

Coaching is a partnership between the coach and client and, ultimately, it's the client who takes action and does the work. The coach can help elicit the ideas and actions, but make no mistake about it, it is the client who produces the results.

We actually have rules about who we will and won't coach at AMG:

1. If a person contacts us about private coaching for their partner, we tell them to have their partner call us. If the potential client can't do that, then they're not ready for coaching.
2. If a college student calls us about private coaching, great. It doesn't matter who pays (student or their parent) as long as the potential client initiates the process. If mom or dad has questions before shelling out the cash, that's perfectly understandable. But if mom or dad wants to force the student into it or control the process, then it's a no-go.

If you're the parent or partner of a struggling ADDer and you think they would benefit from coaching, talk to them about it. Show them this blog or tell them about our newsletter and free resources.

Whatever you do, don't push your ADDer--no matter how good your intentions are. Otherwise you'll just end up wasting your money, and possibly even damaging your relationship with the ADDer you love.

 

Tough Love for Adults with ADD

Last week Erin was away visiting family. That left me alone, to fend for myself and the dogs, for 5 days. Although I often travel on business without Erin, this is the longest that Erin has been away in our 6 years together.

At first I felt sorry for myself. Being alone for 5 days meant 5 days of doing all the dog walking, all the dog feeding, all the cooking, all the cleaning up, all the garbage-taking-out, all the housework (oh who am I kidding with that one?), all the laundry, all the errands, and all the shopping. I was responsible for everything. There was so "scaffolding" to provide my structure.

But by the second day, something strange happened. I told myself, You were single for YEARS before you settled down. You did it all and more then...so why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? After that dose of reality, I found myself doing really well on my own.

I was waking up on time every day because there was no one else to take the dogs out in the morning. And then I found myself going to bed at a decent hour because I knew the dogs would wake me up to be fed...so if I stayed up late I wouldn't get a lot of sleep.

I also found myself procrastinating less, because there was no one else to clean up the kitchen, so I might as well do it! Now, don't get my wrong, I've never been one to do a bang up cleaning job, but the dishes got done.

I was getting up, doing what I needed to, easing into the day, working reasonable hours, tending to the house, practicing my singing, running errands and making social trips, and then going to bed. My life was structured.

By day 4, I really missed Erin. I was anxious for her to come home to me. But once she did, my structure fell apart again.

You see, I will fully admit that I can be one hell of a manipulator. I'm good at guilt trips, too. These are skills that have been passed down to me from generations and generations of Irish mothers. Seriously, I could win gold medals for my guilt trips--provided I wasn't competing against my mother. And Erin, being innocent and sweet, is so damn susceptible to my manipulation and guilt trips that she often ends up doing more than her fair share around here.

So when Erin returned home, she once again began taking on lots of the responsibility...and I began manipulating her again. See, I know exactly what to say, exactly what to do, or exactly what face to put on to make her want to walk the dogs for me, or go shopping for me, or whatever. And she never even complains.

But when Erin was away I realized that I don't actually benefit from skirting my responsibilities. I use my ADD as an excuse to be lazy, but I actually function much better when left on my own.

So Erin and I had a talk last night, and I gave her permission to ignore me. I told her to ignore me when:

• I don't want to get up in the morning. If I sleep too late on a Saturday and lose my free time, that's my problem, not hers.
• I say I don't feel good or I'm too tired to walk the dogs. Tough. If she wasn't here, I'd have to walk them whether I was tired or sick with the flu!
• I don't feel like cooking. Sucks for me, but it's my responsibility. I don't have to make a gourmet dinner, but it's still my job to put together a healthy meal.
• I ask her to get things for me. If she's going downstairs to grab a drink and I ask her to bring me up one, too, that's fine. But if I ask her to go downstairs and get me a drink simply because I don't feel like getting up, then she should just tell me to fuck off.
• I don't do what I say I want to. Erin's response to this is best described as "nagging." And nothing makes me want to sit around and zone out more than being nagged. If I don't do what I say I want to, it's my problem.

And you know what, I feel ten times better.

People with ADD often struggle with creating structure, and parents and partners sometimes want rush in (with the best of intentions) to create it for us. But maybe what we really need as adults is tough love.

Thoughts?